Down the yellow brick IVF road

The end of the yellow brick IVF road - farewell

2011-08-29T14:20:00.001+10:00

Its been two months now since our last IVF cycle failed and we haven't changed our minds about stopping IVF. I think our decision is the right one and I haven't had any second thoughts. So now its time to say farewell to this blog.

I'm trying to move on from our TTC journey and so stopping writing this blog is part of that. I started it nearly three years ago and in that time, we've been through 3 stimulated cycles, 3 frozen cycles, 2 cancelled cycles but most importantly one pregnancy, and one birth of our beautiful girl.

This blog has been fantastic therapy for me to make sense of this whole stressful, agonising, scary but ultimately amazing process. I'm so grateful to all the wonderful people who read the blog and cheered me on from the sidelines. I know we are truly one of the lucky ones that succeeded at IVF and I hope that some of my posts have helped others in the same position and given them hope.

As for me, I'm doing ok. I still feel sad that we can't give our lovely daughter a brother or sister and perhaps that feeling will never go away. And part of me has a small shred of hope at the end of each cycle that we might just manage to get pregnant the 'natural' way yet. But that's a very slim hope. I'm starting to move on now - planning out our life, my career and lots of other things. I'm not sure yet how this IVF stuff has affected me - perhaps I'm more tolerant, more patient and more grateful for what we do have. I certainly hope so anyway.

So its goodbye from me and thanks for reading.

Top 5 reasons why its good not doing IVF anymore

2011-07-04T19:33:00.003+10:00

So here's my top five things that are good about coming to the end of the 'Yellow brick IVF road', not in any particular order.

1. No obsessing about AF

When doing IVF or just TCC, obsessing about AF is a way of life. Either you are waiting for it to arrive so that things can get moving and the next cycle can start, or hoping like hell it won't arrive because you are pregnant.

Either way, its a lot of brain power that goes into worrying about something that's been happening to me for nearly 30 years. Its going to be nice not to think about it anymore, although if I'm honest, that's not completely true.

I still hold out a dim hope that we might manage a natural conception so I will be awaiting the arrival of my period each month, but hopefully not with as much fear, trepidation, hope.. that I have done in the last couple of years.

2. No doctors

No doctors, no nurses, no needles, no injections, no pessaries, no tablets, no surgery, no poking and prodding...I've had it all and then some over the last three years. But I really must say that all the doctors and nurses I have dealt with on the IVF road have been absolutely wonderful. They have all been incredibly supportive and no-one ever had a bad word to say, even when I was at my most obsessive with crazy questions and worries.

My goal is to go six months without seeing a doctor at all - what a novelty. I've got my next melanoma check then so I reckon if I stay healthy I've got a good chance of achieving it.

3. No TWW

Of all the stress-inducing, heart-breaking, soul-destroying things that happen during IVF, the two week wait has got to be the worst. It is just pure torture - the only way I can describe it. You ride the roller coaster of emotions, one day feeling positive that everything is going to work out this time, to the next when you convince yourself that its hopeless and you will never become a mother.

I lived through six two week waits and I never want to go through it again. Technically, I'm in a natural two week wait now, but I really am not thinking about being pregnant or ever getting pregnant again, so its just not on my mind at all.

4. Back in control

The loss of control over your life that you hand over at the door of the IVF clinic is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. Suddenly, you can't control something as basic as when you can have sex, what days you need to see a doctor and when you can go on holidays.

Its wonderful to now be planning our life - holidays, trips overseas, a possible job offer for LH in Europe, all without having to worry about whether we need to be around for IVF cycles. Even just to be able to plan a weekend away without worrying about whether it will clash with blood tests or ultrasounds.

Maybe women who are less controlling of themselves deal with this aspect better than I did, but it feels nice to be able to decide what, when and where I'm going to do something without IVF hanging over my head.

5. More money

There's no doubt about it, IVF is a huge financial drain. Even here in Australia, where much of the cost is funded publicly, you still end up 1000's of dollars out of pocket for every cycle. Add to that all of the extra surgery I had to have, and we have spent thousands on IVF. Lucky for us, we could afford it but plenty of people can't and often the decision to stop is a financial one and I feel lucky that we could stop on our own terms, not because we ran out of money.

Well, that's my list and its very satisfying to write it. Right now I am coping pretty well with our 'loss' of conceiving baby number two. I'm not feeling too sad most of the time but I would stop short of saying I am 'happy'. That will come with time.

I'm enjoying being Zoe's mother more now I'm not preoccupied with IVF, and I'm thinking lots about my next career moves and further study.

As for this blog, its almost served its purpose now. I started it because I needed the therapy I get from pouring out my thoughts onto a page, and its given me that outlet in a wonderful way. I'm undecided about what to do with the blog. We are off on holidays to Europe in a week, so I'll decide when I get back.

Regrets

2011-06-28T13:02:00.003+10:00

I'm starting to realise that one of the other reasons why its hard to accept there won't be another baby is because I really wanted to go through the process again and right the problems that happened with the last pregnancy and birth.

I'd hoped to be able to have a less stressful pregnancy that wasn't spent worrying about whether the baby would live, and even aim for a natural birth and not an emergency caesarian. And most importantly, I was hoping to relive the breastfeeding experience without any retained placenta and supply issues. Its as if I thought another pregnancy could just wipe away all of that trauma and angst.

That's an unrealistic expectation of course, because maybe there would have been other issues. But I don't think its uncommon for women to be hoping to have a more 'normal' pregnancy and birth the second time around if things didn't work out so straightforward the first time around.

Of course that's not the main reason we wanted to have another baby - just having a second child and a sibbling for Zoe is the main desire that we just can't fulfill. But all this has made me realise that I've got some unresolved issues around the first pregnancy and birth that I really need to work through and move on from. I guess all these last months I've pushed it aside, thinking that another pregnancy would sweep it all away, but I can't avoid it anymore.

Perhaps its a little unexpected that I'm not more relieved that we won't have to go through all that trauma again. Some people who had experienced the sheer fear that we did in that pregnancy, would be keen never to have another pregnancy again. I certainly know a few horror stories of women who never want to go back for more, and I can't really blame them. Ah well, another mental and emotional issue for me to work through over the next few months.

I'm starting to formulate my top 10 list of good things about stopping IVF and TTC. I'll post it once I've finished. I think its good therapy for me :-)

Aftermath

2011-06-26T20:27:00.002+10:00

Its three days since we got the news that our last frozen embryo transfer didn't work. I'm in a pretty sad place right now, after the initial feelings of relief that the IVF process was over.

We are still sure that this is it and we don't want to do any more IVF. Today my period started so if we were going to do another stimulated cycle, we would have started today. I feel sad about so many things - that I won't get to go through the amazing experience of pregnancy again, or the even more experience of birth, and that wonderful early baby stage. But most of all I feel sad that Zoe will never have any siblings.

As one of six, this is something I just can't comprehend but the fact is that she won't know any other life than being an only child, so she won't think it is odd. And at least these days there are so many one child families, that she won't be alone. We just have to work hard to make her life as normal as possible so that she develops the social skills she needs to get through life. We also need to make sure that we aren't a burden to her in our old age so she doesn't have to shoulder it on her own. I kind of wish we lived nearer to our families so that she will get the benefit of that interaction and maybe that is something to think about for the future.

A part of me can't help but clutch at the extremely unlikely chance that we may still conceive a baby naturally. There seem to be so many things working against it but I can't help but hold out a very slim hope it might happen. At 43, there is a 1-2% chance I would have a baby within 12 months so it is remote. But I've got a good supply of eggs so I'm nowhere near menopause, so its possible I guess. But with one fallopian tube blocked, and LH's sperm swimming slightly slowly, that drops our chances down even more.

I also don't want to move from IVF back to 'trying' each cycle and working out when I'm ovulating. All of that has ruled my life for the last three and a half years and its time to stop. Soon I'll start focusing on all the good things about this TTC stuff being over, but I'm not there yet. I don't think it has fully sunk in yet so maybe in a few days or weeks I will start to move towards accepting its all over.

"They think its all over - it is now"

2011-06-23T19:07:00.002+10:00

Today I got the results of the pregnancy test for this last cycle - it was negative. So I think, but am not yet prepared to state categorically, that this is the end of the IVF road for us.

My plan this morning was to get up at 6am and pee on a stick, then lovely husband would call to see what the result was. As it worked out, I woke up at 2am dying to go to the loo so I just did it then, and it was negative. I had primed myself so well for it being negative, that it didn't hit me too hard. But of course I then couldn't sleep so I only managed a few hours and then LH rang from Chicago.

I think he took it pretty hard, or so it seemed down the phone line. He always copes with IVF cycles by assuming the worst but this time I think his tactic didn't work.

So then I got Zoe up, got us both dressed and fed and off we went to the clinic. It was weird looking around thinking that this would probably be the last time I go in there. At 11.30 the call came through from the nurse to say it was negative and then Dr D rang this afternoon. She asked what did we want to do next?

I said we almost certainly will stop IVF now but I said we'd need to talk it over in the next few days and decide for sure. She asked as a matter of form, I guess, did we want to look at donor eggs. But that's never been part of our plan for baby number two although it was on the cards if we failed IVF first time around. So she has logged a treatment plan for us to do another cycle if we want, but the ball is in our court now.

So how am I feeling? Well sad obviously but I think the feeling of relief is a bit stronger actually. I'm wondering if the reality hasn't hit me yet and maybe I've got a tough few weeks and months ahead. I suspect we will never completely get over the disappointment of not being able to have more children. But as I keep reminding myself (and so does everyone else!), at least we have a beautiful daughter and some who tread this IVF road never achieve that.

I'll keep blogging for a while to work my way through this stuff but I think we are nearly at the end of the road. More in the coming days....

Day 9 post transfer - a small glimmer of hope?

2011-06-21T13:12:00.002+10:00

Today is 9 days past embryo transfer and 14 days past ovulation and I still don't have any signs of AF.

I know this isn't a bad thing, but can I take it as a positive thing? I really don't know. I've been googling again, as it seems every woman does in the two week wait, and it seems the consensus is evenly divided as to whether progesterone pessaries keep AF away or not. In some women, they still get AF regardless of whether they are taking progesterone, and in some its delayed.

I know that in stimulated fresh IVF cycles and in medicated frozen cycles, the progesterone is absolutely necessary to keep things going because your body doesn't make progesterone itself if ovulation doesn't occur.

But I'm in a natural cycle so the progesterone pessaries are just a 'nice-to-have' rather than a 'need-to-have'. My own endogenous levels of progesterone would have fallen by now but what I don't know is whether the progesterone from the pessaries is enough to keep AF away. Oh well, who knows?

It would be nice not to obsess about this but I am only human and wondering what is going on this close to the blood test is to be expected I guess. This morning I bought a pregnancy test in preparation for Thursday morning so that I will know the answer without needing to wait for the clinic to call. I'm really not tempted to test before then because I don't want to get a negative on the home test and be really disappointed only to find that the blood test comes up positive.

I spoke to a friend last night and she said it was really disciplined of me not to test now but really I'm just trying to avoid unnecessary disappointment.

So all in all, I feel slightly more positive than negative about this cycle. I'm trying to focus on the feeling that this whole journey will be over in two days, one way or the other. And that is going to be a huge relief, even if the test comes back negative.

Day 7 post-transfer - an even keel

2011-06-19T18:07:00.002+10:00

Today I am feeling slightly more positive about this cycle but trying not to be too positive. I haven't got this far in any cycle without having spotting, even the one that resulted in our lovely daughter. That is apart from the medicated frozen cycle I did last year but I'm thinking that because it was completely controlled by drugs that I would not have had AF until I stopped the progesterone.

Anyway, I have to get through the next two days before thinking AF is not coming and even then, I'm not entirely convince it means I'm pregnant. I'm really just not sure what to make of it. Today I've had more of the cervical mucous, which would be unusual at this stage of my cycle but again, I don't want to read too much into it.

I've got four days to go to the pregnancy test, and I think they are going to be the hardest of this two week wait. LH went off to Chicago this morning so its just me and Zoe this week. I am aiming to stay as busy as I possibly can to take my mind off this damned wait!

Day 6 post transfer

2011-06-18T13:57:00.002+10:00

We are now over half way through this final two week wait. Six sleeps down, and five to go. I think what happens in the TWW is that the first and last few days are really hard and in the middle bit I just get used to it.

My mindset at the moment is that we are most probably not going to be successful this cycle and IVF will finally be all over for us. I really do hope I'm wrong but I feel that a reality check is the best for me at the moment.

I haven't been able to work out what our chances of success are for this cycle but the other night I found a clinical paper published by our clinic that gave some indication. Our clinic's published rates of success are around 10-20% for 40-44 year olds per stimulated cycle but that doesn't indicate the chances with a frozen transfer.

This paper showed the success per frozen transfer was about 25% for 40-44 year olds so I guess that's what our chances are this cycle. They did only have 16 transfers and 4 successful pregnancies so that's not many to go by.

A 25% chance is really pretty good in this IVF world and as much as you can hope for. If we could only keep trying at that level of chance, we'd be fine but the problem is our chance of success for me now at the age of 43 is around 5-10% per cycle. We could easily do 10 more cycles and not succeed.

This TWW is all the more harder for knowing that its not just a matter of keep trying. That's what got me through each wait last time around, knowing if it failed we would just try again but that's not the case this time.

As for pregnancy symptoms, well now that I know from experience that there really aren't any in the TWW, its easier not to think about them but I still find myself doing it anyway. The only possible ones I've had are a lot of cervical mucous on Day 7 post-transfer and slight stinging in my right arm pit but I could easily be imagining it.

LH goes to Chicago tomorrow for 8 days and so will be away when I have the pregnancy test on Thursday. Its not an ideal situation but nothing we can do about it. He will also find it hard to get a negative result being away from home. My plan is to do a pregnancy test early on Thursday morning, assuming I don't get AF before then. That way I will already know the result and I'll be able to get on with things and concentrate at work, instead of waiting all morning for the phone to ring. Roll on Thursday...

See-saws - Day 1 post-transfer

2011-06-13T16:07:00.002+10:00

Today I'm feeling a bit low after yesterday's transfer. It seems from reading back over old posts that my feelings during the two week wait see-saw back and forth between negative and positive. Today's a negative day.

LH is here because its a public holiday so we went shopping this morning, which helped to take my mind off this cycle. The only way I can really cope with this wait is to keep pushing thoughts of the pregnancy test and aftermath out of my head.

I woke up at 3am last night, I guess because of stress. Hopefully that won't happen every night for the next 10 days. Its very rare that any event, no matter how stressful, affects my sleep. I can't help but wondering if everything is ok in my uterus. I keep telling myself that the endometrial biopsy during the last cycle came back normal, and there wasn't any odd stuff on the ultrasound but still I feel uneasy.

Its the difficult embryo transfer that did it. I can't work out why it was so hard for the catheter to pass through my cervix, when its been fine very other time. I did start to wonder if it had anything to do with the pap smear I had two weeks ago. Maybe there was some dried blood or something that made it hard to push through. My worst fear is that I've got some sort of scarring around my cervix and that caused my period to stop as well. But that would mean something had to happen between my last period and now and I can't think what that could be other than the pap smear.

Anyway, useless to speculate. The doctor, when she finally did get the catheter in, said the placement was 'perfect'. She told me to watch out for the flash of light on the screen that would be the embryo going in, and I could see it spraying into my uterus. Let's hope it landed in a nice spot.

At the moment, I feel that its unlikely this cycle will work and then its all over for us. Maybe I'll be more positive as the days go by.

The last time

2011-06-12T13:39:00.003+10:00

This morning I had my embryo transfer, my sixth, and almost certainly my last. When I got to the clinic, the embryologist came in for a chat. The news was good and bad.

The bad news was that they thawed our second last embryo last night but this morning found that it was dead. So they then thawed our last remaining embryo this morning, which by the time it was transferred was doing really nicely. In the words of the embryologist, it was 'perfect'. One hundred percent of its cells had survived the thaw and the 'cavity' was starting to expand. That's really as positive a comment we've had from the embryologist, so it's good news.

The transfer itself wasn't altogether straightforward. The doctor, not my usual one, who is on holidays, struggled to get the catheter past my cervix and into the uterus. We thought it was weird because I've had so much surgery that my cervix should be pretty loose by now. It took so long to get the catheter in that the embryologist had to put the embryo back in the incubator while she waited.

But finally the doctor did get the catheter into my uterus, and the embryo with it. Once again I had no cramping, no pain and no bleeding so it all seems good. I had before and after acupuncture sessions, which as ever helped me to relax.

So here we are again in the final two week wait. I feel slightly optimistic because the embryo looked so nice, but also a bit sad that we are nearly at the end of the road with IVF and baby number two. I still feel there's no future in doing another stimulated cycle if this one fails, but never say never. Maybe we will feel differently if that happens.

I also hope all is ok with my endometrial lining but really there's nothing more we can do on that front. I'm going to make a big effort to maintain a sense of 'zen' during the next 11 days if I can. But the stakes are much more loaded this time because its our last chance.

All set for transfer

2011-06-11T11:48:00.002+10:00

This morning I had my final blood test to check my hormone levels are all set for transfer tomorrow. I'm to keep going with one progesterone pessary a day, so they are all fine. I was pretty confident it would be, after the pain in my ovaries went away on Thursday.

So embryo transfer is set for 11am tomorrow. I'll be going on my own so LH can stay home and look after Zoe. I'm really hoping we do get an embryo that survives the thaw, but it would be pretty unlikely for both of them to fail, so hopefully we will be ok.

But its possible tomorrow will be my last embryo transfer. I'm trying to mentally prepare for that possibility so I'm not disappointed if it does come to that. Then we start what will probably be our second last two week wait. Can't say I'm sorry that process is nearly at an end.

As for how hopeful I feel about getting a BFP, it really depends on how the embryo looks in the morning. If they are quite positive about it, I will be too.

More optimism

2011-06-09T19:56:00.002+10:00

I woke up this morning to find that the aching in my ovaries had disappeared and it hasn't come back. So I'm much more hopeful now that I did actually ovulate. With any luck, the follicle is starting to involute and pump out progesterone.

Tonight I start on the progesterone pessaries. They won't be too much of a hassle because I'm only taking them at night so the lying down for an hour bit isn't a problem.

I've been thinking a lot about what my uterus looked like on the ultrasound. There's fuzzy bits around the edges of it but the endometrium had clearly thickened normally, where in March there was a hole where the surgery had been done. So my reckoning is that if the endometrium has thickened up normally then it must be functioning ok, and is hopefully going to be a nice house for the embryo if it decides it wants to stick.

Thanks to everyone who has posted words of encouragement. I sincerely hope this cycle is going to be our time at last but if its not, we'll survive and carry on.

More pessimism

2011-06-08T19:31:00.002+10:00

I'm trying really hard to be positive about this unexpected imminent embryo transfer but we've had so many things go wrong over the last year that my mindset is stuck in failure.

The first hurdle we have to overcome is evidence on the Saturday blood test that I have in fact ovulated. Even though all the hormones are absolutely spot on, I can't help but wondering if everything is ok. I can still feel a slight pressure around my right ovary as if there is a cyst growing, even though the ultrasound showed the follicle was a normal size. I haven't felt this kind of discomfort before so its hard to know what's going on.

Today the nurse called to ask how many embryos we want to transfer. I told her one, and she asked did we want them to keep thawing until they get a good one. There's no other option for us so that is what they will do. I am trying to mentally prepare for neither of the two remaining embryos to survive the thaw so that it doesn't hit me too hard if that actually happens.

Its very unlikely that they will both fail to thaw - the clinic quotes a rate of about 10% failing to survive thawing. Let's hope these two little embies are in the 90% that are fine.

A totally unexpected outcome

2011-06-07T13:11:00.002+10:00

Today I had an ultrasound and blood test to work out what was happening with my cycle. The ultrasound showed I had one dominant follicle on the left side measuring about 17 mm. The endometrial lining was 6.2mm and there was some fuzziness around the edges of the endometrial stripe. The sonographer said this would be calcification from all my surgery. The 'hole' we saw last time wasn't there though, so that was good news.

When the nurse called, she said my bloods showed I have ovulated today. Oestrogen was over 1000, progesterone was starting to go up at 3.5 (it was 0.6 yesterday) and LH was through the roof at 22. So the inevitable conclusion from all of this was that I've ovulated.

This was good news and means the ovarian cyst has finally ovulated itself and will now go away. The nurse said that since we had fortuitously pinpointed ovulation, there was no reason why we shouldn't go ahead and do an embryo transfer in 5 days.

I really didn't see that one coming and its good news I think. I asked did it matter that I hadn't had a period for about 6 weeks and she said no, once the lining was laid down, it didn't 'age'. If I'd gone 3 months without a period, they would have let me go on to have one before doing a transfer but this length of time is apparently fine.

That only leaves the lining. At 6.2mm, it scrapes in to the lower limit of 6mm and is about what I've had in the past anyway. The fuzzy stuff around the bottom does worry me a bit, but both the doctor monitoring this cycle and the doctors who had a good look at it on ultrasound in March don't seem to think its a problem.

I can't believe that after all this hassle, it looks like we are about to have lift-off - finally!! As long as LH agrees to it of course - he flew back to Melb this morning and was in-transit when I called to talk to him about it. Hopefully he will agree we should go ahead. And we will now probably manage to do our final two cycles before we go away in August - happy days!

And I'm pretty stoked that this will be a natural cycle, as we had when Zoe was conceived. I wasn't so keen on the medicated frozen cycle, if only because it wasn't what we did last time. So to have pinpointed my day of ovulation completely by accident seems to be a real stroke of good luck. If I had called the clinic a day later, or they had got me back for a blood test tomorrow instead of day, we might have missed it. And last but not least, the transfer would be on Sunday, so not interfering with work or when LH is away.

Hopefully this completely unexpected stroke of good luck will be a good omen for us.

Looks like I was right

2011-06-06T14:34:00.003+10:00

I had another blood test this morning and my oestrogen levels are up to 600. The doctor (not Dr D, who is on holidays) has concluded that I might have an ovarian cyst growing that is producing oestrogen.

I'm patting myself on the back for reaching this conclusion already but I'm not too happy about the next steps. They want me to come in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check to see if in fact there is a cyst growing. I said I would need to bring Zoe, which the nurse wasn't too pleased about. So I've called LH to see if he can come back from Melbourne so he can look after Zoe while I get the ultrasound and bloods done.

Apparently if there is a cyst growing, they will keep monitoring me to see if it ovulates itself and then let nature take its course and wait for AF to come. If it doesn't ovulate itself, I may need a trigger injection to make that happen.

So either way, we are looking at a delay of up to 14 days. I guess I was expecting to be put on birth control pills for about that long, so maybe its not such a difference anyway. And now I know its probably my stupid ovaries causing the problem, and not an endometrial issue, I'm less worried. But the chances of getting another frozen cycle in before we go overseas on July 29 are slipping further and further away.

I need to start my period no later than the end of June to manage that. I guess that's three weeks away so hopefully even I can manage that. It will be the longest cycle on record though - I'm at 46 days already. I also wish Dr D was around so I could just call her and have a chat about it. Hard to believe that there's yet more delays on top of the almost 10 months of delays I've already gone through :-(

My (non-professional) opinion

2011-06-04T12:17:00.002+10:00

I'm wondering if perhaps I might have an ovarian cyst. There's a few reasons why.

I've got this dull ache on my right side about where my ovary would be. Its not very painful and its coming and going but its been there for about 24 hours now.

Secondly, ovarian cysts are known to delay a period coming on, which is certainly my problem. And thirdly, they often happen after IVF treatment.

Ovarian cysts are pretty common and not very worrying, from what I can gather. They grown during the cycle, either from a follicle that doesn't burst and ovulate, or from the corpus luteum that keeps growing and doesn't involute.

The solution is usually birth control pills to regulate the hormones and apparently make them shrink. Occasionally they can burst but usually they just disappear on their own.

If this is what's happening, then I am actually a bit relieved. I was starting to get worried that I've got some problem with my endometrium as a result of all the surgery. Either that it wasn't thickening up properly, or that the scarring has somehow damaged the uterus.

But if the problem is my ovaries, I find that a lot less worrying. The pill can straighten out the hormones and get everything back on track.

So my plan now is to call the clinic in the morning and let them I am definitely coming in for a blood test on Monday. I am really certain I won't get my period before then. Once I get the results, I'll talk to Dr D about how I've been feeling and see if she can work out what is happening.

I could be completely wrong, but I do feel much calmer about it all. I've been feeling totally crushed by yet another problem that's stopping us from finishing off these last two frozen cycles. In July it will be a year since we started again with what I thought was going to be a three month process.

Whatever is going on, I'm sure we are in for another two or three week delay at least and then we will again have to wait another month while we are away in August. Let's hope I get some sort of resolution on Monday.

Where in cycle?

2011-06-02T19:42:00.002+10:00

Today I had a 'where in cycle' blood test at the IVF clinic. Yesterday I just made a snap decision to call them and say I was worried my period hadn't showed up. So they suggested we do a blood test to work out what is going on.

I managed the logistics of it ok without Lovely Husband, who is working in Melbourne at the moment. I was only into work about 10 minutes later than usual but I did have to get up at 6am to achieve it. Zoe behaved herself while I was there and seemed very interested in the blood letting process.

Anyway, the best guess of the nurses is that my period will arrive by Monday. My oestrogen is apparently about 200, and needs to be more like 150/100 for it to come and my progesterone is already low at around 1. But the LH is looking weird at 6.7, which is a little high. I only hope it doesn't mean I've somehow bypassed my period and I'm heading into a new cycle.

Once again today I had some light spotting so I'm hoping that things are finally moving at last. Although this will be the third time I've had spotting this cycle and nothing has eventuated so I'm not holding my breath. In any case, I will probably start taking the pill on Monday to make things happen if need be.

I'm trying really hard not to get frustrated but I just feel so utterly tired of all the problems. I just wish for once my body could just do what's needed instead of having to endure all of this endless waiting. Maybe there will be good news tomorrow.

Accepting the lack of control

2011-05-30T18:46:00.002+10:00

I've been feeling frustrated for the last two days that my period hasn't arrived. But I've been googling today and found that lots of women have delayed cycles after a stimulated IVF cycle. So I don't think there's anything wrong, I just need to be patient.

The problem is it throws all my calculations out of how this end of IVF stuff was going to run. I should know by now that I just can't control it and really need to go with the flow and be flexible. I'd really had it in my head that we would do back-to-back frozen cycles in June and July and then it would all end and we would go overseas on holiday and draw a line under this whole IVF business.

Also, I'd calculated that we would be past the embryo transfer stage by the time LH went to Singapore in June. Now it looks as though that's not going to happen, so we'll just have to manage as best we can. And it may well be that we have to do our last IVF cycle when we get back from Europe in September.

Now that I've accepted things aren't going to turn out how I expected, I feel a lot better. But gosh, I should really be used to relinquishing control over this whole business by now! I think if I called my doctor about the missing period, she'd say I could take birth control pills to get everything going again and it may well come to that.

But actually I've just had enough of drugs and I really just want to let AF come along naturally for a change. I guess I'll have to work out how long I'm prepared to wait before taking drugs to get things moving but for now, I'm working on patience - something us IVFers need in spades!

Dejected

2011-05-28T14:26:00.002+10:00

Today is Day 38 of this cycle and as usual, I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for my period to start so we can get moving on the next frozen cycle. Once again I did a pregnancy test, which of course was negative. I really wasn't expecting it to be positive so I'm not sure why I feel so down.

This morning Zoe and I went to the park for a play date with two mothers from our mothers' group. One of them is pregnant, which is wonderful news but I couldn't help but thinking that it will never be me. My hope for a second baby is at its lowest ebb at the moment. I just think we need so much luck on our side.

Its really tough just wanting something in life and knowing that all the effort, money or time in the world can't make it happen. I still feel absolutely cold about doing another frozen cycle so I think the end of our IVF road is near.

Its frustrating that my ovaries seem to be asleep. Last week I started to get very light spotting and I was sure AF was just around the corner but it wasn't to be. I'm hoping that its just slow and will get started soon, and not that for some reason my lining isn't thickening up and I'm not getting any bleeding at all.

At least with not having it come today, we are past a potential embryo transfer on either a Wed or Thurs work day. If I get through tomorrow, that puts me past it being on a work day at all. But the downside is that we start to run into the time when Lovely husband will be in Singapore for a week. He doesn't actually need to be around but organising babysitters for blood tests and ultrasounds, or the embryo transfer isn't going to be easy. I just have to sit tight and wait to see when it will all play out.

Day 32 - The long post-stim cycle

2011-05-23T18:58:00.002+10:00

On Saturday, it was Day 30 of this gap cycle so I started preparing for my period to start so we can move on to the next frozen cycle. But looking back at my first two stimulated cycles, I actually had cycles around 36 days long after the stimulated cycle so actually it might not be until next weekend that things get moving again. In any case, I won't be doing a pregnancy test unless I make it to next Saturday, which would be Day 37.

I'm still in a very zen-like state of calm and working hard to maintain that feeling to take me into the next cycle. I was actually happy that I've got another week of chilling out before we get started. I am really hoping that the embryo transfer day won't fall on a work day, since I've had so much grief from my employers over taking time off for doctors appointments. To avoid it, I don't want my period to start on either Fri, Sat or Sun.

So here's hoping things will get moving before Friday, or if not, then next week.

In the gap cycle

2011-05-03T18:18:00.002+10:00

I just realised tonight that I haven't posted on the blog for ages. We had a wonderful break over easter in Broome in WA. The weather was hot and sunny and the beach fabulous. It was just what we needed - time away from home to just chill out and enjoy spending time together. Zoe was just delightful - she's so excited to be walking, and she really loved the beach and the pool.

Today is Day 12 of this 'gap' cycle while we wait to start our next frozen cycle. My period this time around was worryingly light after the failed IVF cycle. I just wonder how I can possibly sustain a pregnancy when it seems my lining is so thin. I'm doing acupuncture again in the hope that it will help to build up the lining this cycle, and in the next one.

Its nice to not be thinking about IVF all the time. These gap cycles are good like that - real life can intrude again and its very welcome. I am trying to prepare myself for the worse case scenario - that neither of our remaining two embryos survive the thaw. But our clinic has such a good track record with freezing embryos, and they set such a high bar, that hopefully they will both thaw ok and we will get our two remaining cycles.

I am pretty much resigned to us being a one child family though. The reality is that our remaining two embryos are unlikely to give us another baby. I'm doing ok with it at the moment but no doubt if and when it actually becomes reality, it will be much harder to deal with.

Anyway, for now am enjoying being more relaxed for a change.

Caution prevails

2011-04-17T18:49:00.002+10:00

We've made the decision to delay our next frozen cycle by a month. LH really wasn't happy going straight into the next one - he thinks we should give my endometrium more time to heal. I'm not sure it would make much difference, but the timing of the embryo transfer would clash with our trip to Melbourne to see the family in early May, so we've decided to wait.

Even though I hate waiting, at least I'll have piece of mind that we've given my endometrium every chance to recover from the surgery in March. I feel that we are very close to the end now - possibly only two frozen cycles to go, and maybe not even that. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that there might not be another baby.

But as ever, we are just so grateful and lucky to have the beautiful Zoe. She's just learned to walk this weekend and has been stumbling around with stiff legs and arms outstretched, shrieking with delight because she's so chuffed at her new skill. I also feel relieved she's finally managed it. At nearly 18 months, it was starting to be a bit of a worry that she hadn't got to such an important developmental milestone by now.

I'm really excited about our easter holiday. We leave on Thursday night for Broome, which is where we got married in 2008. It will be really hot and sunny and I'm just so looking forward to lying on the beach and by the pool and reading books and generally chilling out. It will be great to destress after the incredibly hard few months we've had with IVF this year.

Guess what...it was negative :-(

2011-04-15T18:35:00.002+10:00

This morning I had my pregnancy test and it was negative. It didn't come as a big shock and I was well prepared for a negative result, so I received the news pretty calmly.

For the first time, I decided to do a home pregnancy test before my blood test. I had a lot of work to do this morning and I didn't want to be distracted waiting for the phone to ring. So I did the pregnancy test as soon as I woke up. I was telling myself it would be negative so I was ok when it was.

By the time Dr D, and then the nurse, rang, I'd kind of forgotten about the test with all the work I had to do. I told them both I was expecting a negative result so I was doing fine.

Dr D suggested we go straight into a frozen cycle, which is what we had planned anyway. What I didn't realise is that we can start straight away without waiting a cycle, so that's good news at least. Luckily it won't interfere with our trip away at easter since I won't need to do my first blood test until after easter. But it might run into our trip to Melbourne in early May to see the family. But that's not so much of an issue. I can change our flights or have my blood tests down there if I need to.

Anyway, we are now one step closer to reaching the end of this IVF journey. Its good that it might happen sooner rather than later and we don't have to wait out a cycle. I'm feeling pretty good about things right now, mainly because the awful waiting time is finally over. Even though the result is bad, its just nice to be out of that awful cycle. I've still got to endure possibly two more two week waits but that's not many and I can see daylight at the end of the tunnel. And who knows, maybe there will be a baby at the end of it.

Hanging in there

2011-04-12T13:07:00.002+10:00

There's now only three more sleeps until my pregnancy test. I'm really not coping very well with this TWW. The anger and frustration has come back again and I'm struggling to contain it. Plus it looks as though the eczema on my hands has got infected, so now I'm dealing with the pain of that as well.

I'm just so certain I never want to put myself through another stimulated cycle. LH reckons I will change my mind if our two frozen cycles don't work, but at the moment, wild horses couldn't drag me through another one. I feel like the end is in sight. If we can get our two frozen cycles (assuming both embryos survive the freeze) done before we go away in August to Europe, that will nicely draw a line under my IVF life and we can move on - baby or no baby.

I'm already starting to think about what I want to do with life once we stop doing IVF. Its dominated my life for the nearly all of the last three years. I know that's a lot less time than some people endure it for, and after all, we are one of the lucky ones having our lovely Zoe out of the process. But I'm looking forward to this not being part of life. I can make plans again, get my career back on track and generally move on. I also think it will be better for Zoe to have a Mummy that's not constantly stressed or depressed. It can't be having a good effect on her.

Once more...can't wait for Friday....

Day 29 - ignoring the signs

2011-04-11T11:12:00.002+10:00

I know from experience now that there really are no early pregnancy symptoms in the two week wait. The first and second time around I was always imagining that I might be experiencing pregnancy symptoms. But in the cycle where I actually was pregnant, I felt nothing at all for at least 6 weeks.

The other thing is that the side effects of Crinone read like the typical pregnancy symptom list: breast enlargement, urinating at night, cramping and so on. So anything that remotely resembles a pregnancy symptom could just be the Crinone.

The big one though is the presence or absence of spotting. In my first two fresh cycles, spotting started at about Day 8 after transfer and they were both negative. The same thing happened in the frozen cycle that resulted in Zoe, so spotting or not could mean AF is on its way, or it could mean nothing at all. In the one frozen cycle I've done since being pregnant, I had no spotting at all and wasn't pregnant. I think this might be because the days of spotting I used to see before each period has been cured by the pregnancy. It was probably endometriosis and the pregnancy starved it of regular hormone rises and falls, so it disappeared.

So the upshot is that no spotting before Friday could be good news for this cycle, or it could mean nothing at all. Needless to say, I am feeling less that this cycle will be a washout and I think that's because I just feel more positive as time goes on and I get over the almost failure of this stimulated cycle. Can't wait for Friday...

Over the half way mark

2011-04-10T11:52:00.002+10:00

Today we are 6 sleeps down and 5 to go of this post-transfer wait. Its just as hard as ever and I'll be glad when its over.

I'm no more hopeful that this cycle will work than I was last week. I keep thinking that we've transferred 4 other embryos in our first two IVF cycles that looked much nicer than these ones, and they didn't work so why should these two? But at the same time a part of me can't help but think there's a teeny, tiny chance it might work.

I haven't been feeling physically great this weekend either. I've been feeling really tired, and my head cold that's been hanging around for two weeks just won't go away. Plus my eczema on my hands has flared up again with the stress and I can't use any hydrocortisone on it because its unsafe to use in pregnancy. At least when Friday comes and the test is negative, I can start using it again and at least clear up my skin.

And I'm really looking forward to stop using the nasty, messy Crinone. I used it in my first IVF cycle because my oestrogen levels were too high to use Pregnyl and its just as messy this time around. I'm supposed to use it twice a day, approximately 12 hours apart. I'm aiming to do it at 6.45 morning and night, which is about the only logistical way of managing it on work days. The only problem is that I keep forgetting to use it in the evening. I haven't completely forgotten yet but I have taken it about 2 or 3 hours late a few times. I expect it doesn't matter too much, as long as I don't completely miss a dose.

Roll on Friday, I say.

Angry

2011-04-06T19:31:00.002+10:00

I've been trying to put my finger on what I'm feeling about IVF since Monday and I think its that I'm angry. I don't know with who or what I'm angry, but I think its how I feel.

I allowed my hopes to build up, despite my better judgement, when I had such a nice crop of follicles growing this cycle. Then we needed ICSI and only got four fertilised and that was a little disappointing. After having a great Day 3 result, I came crashing back down when it turned out we had no embryos to freeze and only one that was barely suitable for transfer.

I know I started this cycle saying I'd be happy with just one frostie, and in effect that's what we got with our fresh transfer (I'm ignoring the other one - it was just transferred because we could). But still I feel angry about how it turned out.

I guess while we were in limbo waiting to get started on IVF again, I could hold out hope that it might work for us. And in the back of my mind, if our two remaining frozen embryos didn't work, we could always try another stimulated cycle. But now its a big reality check - there's no fallback to making more embryos and the two remaining frosties aren't that likely to work either.

I suppose the day of reckoning was coming for a while, and it will get worse if and when it is finally really all over. But my overriding feeling is that I really, really don't want to put us through another stimulated cycle. LH thinks I might change my mind when we get to the end but I'm not so sure. The way I feel at the moment, wild horses couldn't drag me through another one.

It did occur to me that I'm starting the grieving process for the absence of child number two and this anger is just part of it. I can only hope we pass through without too much emotional damage.

Being realistic

2011-04-05T10:07:00.002+10:00

Today I'm feeling that there's just no chance this cycle will result in a pregnancy. There's just so much working against it:

- Embryo growing slowly so it was only at the early blastocyst stage

- My age and the very low chance of success with every transfer (around 5%)

- Doubts about whether my endometrial lining was actually thick enough

I feel now more than ever that we are nearing the end of this IVF journey and getting ready to stop for good. Yesterday Dr D talked about a new drug - DHEA, that can help improve the quality of eggs and embryos. Rather than feeling excited about something new to try, my first thought was that I just don't want to go down that road and give ourselves false hope. I think if I'm feeling this instinctively, then its time to stop.

But I will get the papers from her and have a look. Maybe I'll feel differently in a few weeks. I feel like we are just going through the motions with IVF at the moment, and don't have any genuine belief that we'll succeed. Its not a bad thing, and I don't feel worried about it, just being realistic. But maybe its time to move on with life and start planning new things, instead of being in this constant limbo.

A surprising day

2011-04-04T15:27:00.002+10:00

This morning I got a call from the IVF nurses with bad news - none of our four embryos was suitable for freezing. This was a big blow, particularly since they seemed to be doing well on Day 3. She did say that the embryologist recommended that we transfer one embryo fresh today, since it was ok for that purpose, just not for freezing. But apparently Dr D had recommended we don't do this since it was so unlikely to work given the endometrial problems.

Anyway, I gave Dr D a call to talk about it and turns out she had my endometrial biopsy results, which she hadn't had a chance to look at today. That was the good news for the day - all normal!! No retained products of conception and no inflammation. I was so happy, even despite the bad news about the embryos.

So I said I thought we should go ahead with an embryo transfer today and she agreed this was fine, as long as we were ok about the cost and low chance of success. So by then it was 10.45am and the transfer was to be at 12.30. Fortunately I've got a friend who doesn't work on Mondays and she was able to come over and look after Zoe while I rushed into the city for the transfer. Lovely husband wasn't there - I couldn't get in touch with him until a little while before the transfer and he couldn't get away from work.

When I arrived at the clinic, I had a chat to the embryologist about the state of the embryos. Apparently, they need to be fully formed blastocysts before they can freeze them, otherwise they won't survive. But their attitude is that the embryos have a better chance inside the uterus so its worth going for a transfer. The embryos get until Day 6 to turn into blastocysts and then its too late for freezing.

Dr D also told them to put back two embryos since there's nothing to lose, and the chances of having twins is really miniscule. So I've now got two embryos inside me, one of which is an early blastocyst. I know our chances of success are just so remote this cycle so I won't be at all surprised if the pregnancy test is negative.

But its just wonderful to finally have the endometrial issues sorted out. Dr D said my endometrium looked fine so we can expect it was the embryos if this cycle fails. I can't quite believe we are back in another two week wait - its just so unexpected. I'm very realistic about our chances but as usual, part of me can't help but feeling a little bit positive. It seems a shame not to send some positive vibes to the little embryos.

100% success at Day 3!!

2011-04-02T10:12:00.002+11:00

I got the call from the embryologist this morning and she had great news - all 4 of our embryos are still going strong! We've got:

1x 7 cells, 1x 8 cells, 1x 10 cells and one compacting morula. Of those, two are grade 1, and two are grade 2. They should be 8 cells by Day 3 so we are on track.

Its a brilliant result and similar to our first two cycles, where all the embryos that fertilised got to Day 3. So I feel more confident that we will have at least one embryo from this cycle, and maybe even more.

I've been a bit low the last couple of days and I think it might be because of the hormones. My oestrogen levels will be crashing down to earth after being around 13000, so I guess its to be expected. But this news today has made me feel a lot better.

Today I am also starting acupuncture again. I did it after IVF 2 failed and then we went on to have Zoe, so maybe it will work for us again this time. I mainly want to do it to try and stimulate blood flow to my uterus. I need the endometrial lining to repair and thicken before we start another frozen cycle. I still remain skeptical, but it will at least help with relaxation and relieving stress so that's no bad thing.

4 mature eggs, 100% fertilised

2011-03-31T19:42:00.002+11:00

I got the fertilisation report today - of our 6 eggs, 4 were mature and all fertilised normally. Its a pretty good result and based on my first two cycles, hopefully we will get one, possibly two, embryos to freeze.

I'm feeling so much more relaxed today, even before I got the news about the fertilisation report. Its so nice to be finished with this cycle. There's much more IVF to come but for at least 6 weeks or so, we can enjoy not being on cycle.

Hopefully there will be more good news next week about the endometrial biopsy. I feel like we are slowly emerging from a long dark tunnel that we've been in for the last 6 months.

Egg pick-up - 6 eggs

2011-03-30T14:51:00.002+11:00

This morning I had my egg pick-up for this cycle, and hopefully my last. We got six eggs and the embryologist thinks most if not all are mature.

That was a pretty good result and not far off the 8 or 9 I had predicted. Its a fantastic result considering I'm 43. Dr G reckons many younger women would kill for as many follicles as I had.

Now we just have to wait for the fertilisation report tomorrow. Based on my first two cycles, it would be around 3 that fertilise. But there was another unexpected change. The embryologist had a chat to us before the procedure and said it was in our file that they would be doing ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection). We said this didn't sound right - we'd only marked ICSI if it was needed, and at the embryologists discretion.

But then Dr D came in for a chat and said Lovely Husband's sperm wash had shown the sperm had a slightly lower than normal motility, so we should go ICSI. She said the benchmark for doing ICSI is pretty low and it was worth doing if needed. She said there were no risks and most of the adverse outcomes were in men who had male factor fertility, and therefore probably some other issues with their sperm.

It was unexpected, but not really too concerning. The good thing is that at least all the eggs should get a chance to be fertilised with ICSI, and then its just up to their chromosomes to match up properly to get fertilisation. There's no real explanation for why the sperm were a bit less motile, but Dr D said it can change from one sperm wash to another.

Anyway, its good to have it out of the way. I'm trying to keep my expectations low for the fertilisation report tomorrow and as I thought when we started this cycle, if we get one embryo for freezing, I think it will be a good result.

And Dr D also did another endometrial biopsy, so we should know next week if I am finally free of the dreaded retained placenta. I'm feeling more confident now, since it didn't look like there was any chunk of placenta on the ultrasound, just an area of (hopefully) healing around the site where it was taken from.

I asked Dr D about how my lining hadn't thickened up very well but she seemed to think it had come good in the end. That wasn't how it looked on Monday but maybe it was ok after all. Anyway, I guess we'll know about that when we next attempt a frozen cycle, which fingers crossed, will be after my next cycle.

Day 16 - hormones

2011-03-29T18:07:00.002+11:00

I think all the hormones swilling around in my body are affecting my mood. I've felt really low all day today, even though I've got good reason to feel positive. All that oestrogen must be having a bad effect on my mood. And my eczema, which I've been battling with for months, has gotten completely out of control today. My hands are just a mass of angry, itchy redness.

I've been telling myself that life will get better and we will be out of this IVF mess some time in the not too distant future. I'm not worried about tomorrow - the stakes aren't as high this time around and I've got a good collection of follicles, but it will be good to get it out of the way.

Now that we've done another stimulated cycle, I'm not very keen to ever do one again. I think no matter what the outcome, we probably won't. If I don't get any or many embryos, there's no reason to think another cycle will fix it. And if I do get a lot of good ones, then several frozen cycles will be enough to endure.

Time does dull the memory of just how hard IVF is. I went into it quite upbeat this time but now we are in the thick of it, I realise yet again just how tough the whole thing is. I hope I've got the resilience to get to our endpoint, whatever that may be.

Day 15 - trigger at last

2011-03-28T16:12:00.002+11:00

Tonight I'll be doing my trigger injection for this cycle, then egg pick-up on Wednesday. Only one injection to go - hurray! It may be my last ever as well but never say never...

Today my follicles were looking good. There are 10 worth measuring:

Right: 21mm, 20mm, 16mm

Left: 22mm x2, 18mm, 17mm, 16mm, 15mm x2

So with any luck we will get 10 mature eggs, which would be a fantastic result. My oestrogen had risen a little from Saturday to 13030, but nothing like my first cycle where it went to over 16000. P4 was 6.9 and LH 1.8.

The lady doing the ultrasound today was training another person so she was explaining everything as she went along. When she got to the endometrial lining, she realised straight away it looked funny so I had to explain to her what had happened. She explained that the echogenic area around the small black hole that is where the placenta was, is apparently a granulomatous mass. That's just a fancy way of saying there's some tissue growth where the surgery was done. Its apparently harmless and hopefully will disappear with future cycles, or at least not interfere with implantation.

The endometrial lining wasn't looking good though. She measured it at only 1mm in the main part, away from the granuloma. She reckoned it was thin because I'd had a 'scrape' as she put it but I'm not so sure. Anyway, hopefully it will right itself before we start our frozen cycles.

All in all, its been a pretty good cycle, all things considered. Let's hope for a good haul of eggs on Wednesday.

Getting there slowly

2011-03-26T12:50:00.003+11:00

This morning I had my third ultrasound for this cycle. I'm up to Day 13 and still stimming with 300 units of FSH a day. I had expected to be almost ready to trigger tonight for an egg pick-up on Monday.

But I'm still not quite there yet. My next ultrasound is on Monday, and they expect that to be the trigger day as well. That means an egg pick-up on Wednesday, which of course is a work day.

After the run-in with my line manager last week about taking time off for doctors appointments, this isn't great news. I've decided to use Zoe as an excuse and say she's got a temperature and I can't take her to childcare. That will mean I can say I'll work at home and I can still get work done, and I can't get the blame for yet more time off work. It shouldn't be necessary to be constructing stories around all this but I really don't think I should be compelled to tell my employers what is going on. Its none of their business and I just want to keep it quiet. Plus at least we don't have to worry about who will babysit Zoe.

Anyway, despite feeling a bit stressed about the work stuff, I am actually progressing pretty well with this cycle, if a bit slow.

My E2 is 11500, P4 at 6 and LH at 3. Its about the same level I was at with my first IVF cycle back in 2008, but on Day 11 instead of Day 13.

The follicles are looking good too. The large ones haven't grown much but the small ones have made up a lot of ground. This is what I've got:

Left side: 20mm, 3x 15mm,2x 12mm, 6mm; Right side: 2x 17mm, 14mm, 9mm and 6mm. So by my reckoning, we should get about eight or nine mature eggs with any luck. Its a fantastic result for a 43 year old I think, and hopefully will give us some nice embryos.

The lining was measured at 6mm, which is better than the other day but she did measure it over the area where the wound is from the hysteroscopy. I told her about it but she measured that area anyway, so I'm not sure it is right but it doesn't really matter for this cycle anyway.

So hopefully only another three days of injections to go.

Cautious optimism

2011-03-24T18:58:00.004+11:00

Cautiously optimistic is how I'm feeling after today's ultrasound. I'd say the doctor is feeling outright optimistic.

I had Dr G, the sonographer and the ultrasound office doctor at my scan today. They once again saw that the top left of the endometrium looked a bit odd but they concluded that the round 'hole' they could see is the spot where the retained placenta was removed and the endometrium just hasn't grown over it. They thought the fuzzy stuff around the black hole was probably just a build-up of tissue around the area where the placenta was removed.

So Dr G said he didn't see any reason why I wouldn't put embryos back into my uterus now. Needless to say, this was good news but since I've been there before with this, I'm just cautious about being too optimistic. I won't rest easy until we've got a biopsy definitively showing that there's no more placenta there at all. Dr D will do that when I have the egg pick-up for this cycle, so we should know next week if I am finally free of the damned placenta.

As for the IVF cycle, well its progressing ok but for the fact that the lining is very thin. I don't think they actually measured it but it was probably around 5mm, similar to what they saw on Wednesday. They couldn't give me any explanation for it, and didn't think it was related to my advanced age. Hopefully it will catch up in the coming days, or at least not be a problem next time around.

Dr G said in light of the patch where the endometrium hasn't grown over, and the thin lining, I should freeze all the embryos this time around. That was the plan anyway, so there's no change there.

As for the follicles, still doing very well. The numbers are:

Right side - 5; 18 mm, 16 mm, 12 mm, two <>

Left side - 9; 18 mm, 14 mm x2, 10-11 mm x3, three <>

They are not quite as large as they were at this stage compared with my first two cycles, but all in all, doing pretty well. My next blood test and ultrasound is on Saturday, which is a relief because its so much easier to manage logistically. So egg pick-up won't be on Sunday, so we let one babysitter off the hook, and put our Monday babysitter on notice.

Today my line manager gave me a really hard time about taking time off on a Thursday morning (our busiest day of the week). I said I had no choice about when the appointment would be, but I was devastated to hear this criticism. She said last time I had a doctors appointment on a Thursday, the 'powers that be' were not happy with me. I am just so upset that they have so little faith in me that they think I am deliberately scheduling my appointments at our busiest time. I pointed out that the person who gets most affected by it is me, because I still have to meet the same deadlines but with less time and more stress. I am just really gutted that they are taking this attitude.

When I was in the ultrasound office, the girl before me was asking for a plain envelope to put her results in so that no-one at work would recognise the ultrasound logo and work out that (I assume) she was pregnant. Its so sad that in this day and age, employers are still casting suspicion on women when they have doctors appointments and we have to skulk around being secretive about everything. Lovely husband thinks I should come clean and explain all the problems I've been having so they feel shamed and more accomodating about how they are treating me.

Anyway, that's my rant. So I end today feeling more positive than I have in weeks but trying not to get my hopes up too much until we have certain proof the placenta is really gone.

'That's very depressing'

2011-03-22T15:17:00.002+11:00

'That's very depressing'. Those were the words of Dr G when I saw him today and told him things didn't look right on my ultrasound yesterday. How does he think I feel??

I went to see him as a follow-up to the latest hysteroscopy. He explained that he had cut down to the smooth muscle of the endometrial lining to remove the retained placenta and was absolutely certain he had removed it all this time.

He seemed particularly concerned when I said the nurse said she could see a bright white patch on the ultrasound. He was aware that it was the nurse doing the scan and not a sonographer, plus she wasn't looking for lining abnormalities, just the thickness.

I asked was it possible its scar tissue but he seemed to think there wouldn't be any scar tissue and it should just look normal. But maybe it just hasn't healed up yet. It was only just three weeks ago I had the surgery.

Anyway, we now have yet another new plan. I am to go for my ultrasound for the IVF cycle on Thursday instead of tomorrow, and it will be done in the ultrasound office, not by the IVF nurses. Dr G is going to come along and have a look while its done. I must say I don't have great hopes everything will be fine. But the woman who did the ultrasound yesterday failed to spot the retained placenta last year, so maybe she has just made a mistake this time as well.

I also ran into Dr D in the clinic as I was picking up some more Gonal-f. She said we can do another biopsy when we do the egg collection to see if there's any placenta left. As far as I'm concerned, I won't be having another embryo transfer until both a biopsy and an ultrasound come up normal.

On a good note, both Dr G and Dr D think I am responding incredibly well this cycle and say that 12 follicles for a 43 year old is really brilliant. So its not all doom and gloom. I just hope we get to use any resulting embryos one day.

Good news and bad news

2011-03-21T12:59:00.002+11:00

This morning I had my first on-cycle ultrasound. Its Day 8 of FSH stimulation. Unfortunately, things weren't looking great for my endometrium. At first the operator said I had a 7mm lining, which was good.

I told her she needed to be sure that she had that right because I've had four operative hysteroscopies to remove retained placenta. She then said, 'oh yeah, I wondered why that bit looked so bright.' And then relooked at it and decided that yes, there is something in the top left of my uterus.

I just can't believe that yet again, she would have missed it and happily reported to my doctor that my lining was 7mm if I hadn't said anything. This is the same operator that last year reported my lining was 23mm (!) during a frozen cycle, when in fact she was measuring the chunk of placenta.

Anyway, needless to say, this is pretty bad news. It means that yet again, the hysteroscopy has failed to get rid of the retained placenta and I have no chance of getting pregnant while it persists.

My mindset now is that I want to wait for a while and see if more of it comes out of the lining, and then have another try to get rid of it. Or maybe over time, it will eventually go away by itself. The way I see it is that there's only a finite amount of the damn stuff in there so if we keep trying, eventually there won't be any more that can come out. But the problem is that more surgery might just irreparably damage the lining so I can't get pregnant anyway.

But what choice do I have? I'm stuck with embryos that I can't use and no chance of things resolving without surgery, since they haven't after 16 months. Anyway, tomorrow I go to see Dr G for a follow-up on the last hysteroscopy so I can talk it through with him,

On a more positive note, things are going well with my ovaries. My E2 is 3361, LH is 3.9 and P4 is 4.7 so the down-regulation of LH is working and oestrogen is rising. I've actually got 12 follicles growing, and about 3-4 of them are around 11-13 mm so that's all good. Its a pretty good result for a 43 year-old. So perhaps we might end up with another one or two embryos to play with. This stage of my first two IVF cycles I had about 24 or more follicles growing, so it just shows how much my fertility has dropped away in the last two years. But plenty of women my age just don't respond to FSH stimulation at all, so I'm lucky really.

I think Lovely Husband was a bit upset at the bad news about my endometrium this morning. He's been fine all along with this second round of IVF, saying he doesn't mind if we don't have another child. But this morning, even though he tried to hide it, I think he was really disappointed. Perhaps he is wanting a second baby more than he is letting on.

For me, the urgency of everything has gone away now that we are doing this stimulated cycle. I'm pretty sure now that it will be our last, and then we can just take a break for a while as we wait for the uterus to sort itself out. That may never happen but at least I'm not feeling any more that time is trickling away and there's nothing I can do about it.

Two years does make a difference

2011-03-18T18:46:00.002+11:00

Yesterday I had my Day 3 FSH blood test. It was actually Day 4 of FSH since I started a day early. E2 was 1053, P4 was 15.8 and LH was 6.6.

At the same stage of my first IVF cycle, E2 was 513, although that would have been with only two doses of FSH at 200 units, compared with four doses of 300 units now. The P4 and LH are above what they were in my first cycle. I guess its harder for the Lucrin to down-regulate them now that I'm older. Or maybe its because I only started Lucrin on Sunday.

Anyway, apparently all is fine. The nurse first told me I needed to come in for a BT and ultrasound on Saturday but she then called back to say Monday would be fine. I am to continue on the 300 units of Gonal-f. That's the maximum dose anyone can have in a day and I suppose they think it will be fine for a 43 year old.

I'm feeling fine with no real side effects, apart from being a bit tired and very thirsty. I am pretty relaxed about this cycle, and work has been so busy that I haven't been thinking about it much at all. Just keeping the expectations nice and low. But I am looking forward to seeing what my follicles look like on Monday. It will also be good to see if my endometrial lining looks more normal after the latest bout of hysteroscopic surgery.

I screwed up

2011-03-14T13:57:00.002+11:00

Last night, there I was, reading up on how to inject Gonal-f, got it and the Lucrin out of the fridge to warm up, then jabbed myself with 10 units of Lucrin and 300 units of Gonal-f.

As soon as I'd done it, I suddenly remembered that I wasn't supposed to be starting Gonal-f until today - whoops!!!!!

After the initial sinking feeling, I realised it probably wasn't going to be dangerous because I will be injecting both drugs together for the rest of the cycle, so it can't be unsafe. But then I had to wonder whether it would screw up my hormone levels and ruin the cycle.

According to my googling last night, the Lucrin flare cycle is used in low responders to get an initial high production of LH and FSH. This primes the follicles so they can respond to FSH better. The high levels cause a negative feedback loop that then down-regulates both of them. The continued dose of Lucrin should then keep the LH level down so that I don't accidentally ovulate the eggs from the follicles.

So I reckoned that probably the effect of a Gonal-f dose a day early was mainly that it would be wasted because my follicles aren't ready to respond yet.

When I called the nurse this morning, she said not to worry about it. It wasn't a big deal at all - whew!!! I breathed a big sigh of relief. I couldn't believe I'd screwed up the injections on the very first day!

My first two IVF cycles I cruised through both of them with no mishaps at all. Maybe I am a bit complacent about this cycle. I really am not assuming it will work, and if it does, that it won't yield many embryos.

Anyway, feeling fine so far but I guess the symptoms of ovaries being stimulated so much are a few days away yet.

IVF #3 - all good

2011-03-13T12:28:00.002+11:00

This morning I had my first blood test for this third IVF cycle, the first one for 18 months. My baseline hormone levels were all good - E2 was 162, FSH was 5.1 and P4 was 5.8. Its good to know that my FSH levels are still fine. I think over 10 is a problem for IVF, but I guess I already knew my ovarian reserve was pretty good from the ultrasounds.

So tonight I will start with my Lucrin injections and then tomorrow also with 300 units of Gonal-F. The FSH I'm taking is much higher than before. Last time I started out on 200 units but I guess they are assuming I need more to get my ovaries going this time.

It will be weird injecting myself again. For me, that part wasn't really a problem and certainly not the worst part of doing IVF. Next blood test is on Thursday to see how things are going. Projecting ahead, it looks as though I won't be having egg collection on a work day, which is great. I feel like I've already had so much time off because of medical things, so its good it won't interfere this cycle at least.

Here we go again...

2011-03-12T18:20:00.002+11:00

Today my period started so tomorrow I will have the first blood test of what will hopefully be my last stimulated IVF cycle.

The idea is they will see if my hormone levels are looking good, then I'll collect my drugs on Monday and away we go. The nurse said I would not be able to do an antagonist cycle using Cetrotide because apparently there is a worldwide shortage of it.

She said I'd need to do a Lucrin cycle, and for a moment my heart sank because I did a Lucrin cycle for my first IVF way back in 2008 and it required starting the injections in the cycle before the stimulated one so I was fearing yet another delay of a month.

But the nurse assured me it was a different protocol - the Lucrin flare cycle, so we can start tomorrow as planned. Apparently how it works is that the Lucrin causes the FSH and LH to flare and then down-regulate so that they stay low for the cycle. It is apparently used for poor responders, which I guess they are assuming I will be because of my age. Maybe I can surprise them.

I do hope my FSH levels are not too high and that we can start. They do start to rise as you get older and I'm sure they will be higher than two years ago, but hopefully still in the right range.

As for the endometrial lining problems, I'm not sure when the next endometrial biopsy will be. I will see Dr G for a follow up on hysteroscopy #4 next week, so maybe he will organise it then.

Both my expectations and anxiety are pretty low this time around with IVF. If we get one embryo from this cycle, I'll be happy. I think I can say that either way (lots of embryos or almost none) that we will not do more stimulated cycles. I think I can emotionally cope with a few more frozen cycles but I do want to get off this IVF merry-go-round soon, come what may.

Hysteroscopy 4# done and dusted

2011-03-02T12:24:00.002+11:00

I'm back home relaxing after my latest hysteroscopy. To all intents and purposes, it went well. Dr G said this time he was going to try something different. He wanted to go down into the muscle of the uterus to try and get all of the remaining bits of placenta.

Afterwards, he said it had gone well and all should be right now. But he said that last time, so who knows if this will solve the problem. I fear that if it doesn't, I might have reached the end of the line. I don't know what else can be done for me if there is still placenta in there.

Dr D was also there - she must have been doing egg pick-ups and embryo transfers for other patients. As for the other hysteroscopies, she again wants to do an endometrial biopsy. As far as I'm concerned, there's no way I want to transfer any embryos until that comes up clear, so its fine with me.

Dr G said it should take about 4-6 weeks for my uterus to return to normal, assuming all the placenta is gone this time. That works out fine because we will be doing the stimulated cycle this month, and may need to sit out next month as well since we will be going away for easter. That's fine because with the stimulated cycle done and some new embryos in the freezer, there's less urgency.

I don't know how I will react if this hasn't dealt with my problems. I guess we will deal with that if we come to it.

IVF mark #2

2011-02-26T17:34:00.002+11:00

On Thursday I had an appointment with the nurses to get started on our next stimulated IVF cycle. I think things must have ramped up a lot at the clinic because at first they told me I couldn't get an appointment to see the nurses before March 10.

Even when I said that I would have expected to start the cycle by then, I was told I would have to wait a cycle until I'd seen the nurses. Needless to say, I wasn't going to wait it out for another whole cycle just because I couldn't get an appointment to see the nurses.

I explained that I'd already done IVF before and this was just a refresher appointment and she put me on hold for a bit and then came back to say I could come in the next day. Thursday lunchtime was a spectacularly inconvenient time work wise because it was right in the middle of deadlines, but I managed it without too much disruption.

It all came back to me as the nurse walked me through the process, showing me how to do the injections and explaining the system. Its all pretty much the same but there are a few differences.

They now use a different brand of FSH, so the pen is slightly different. And I don't need to go and buy the antagonist from the chemist in pre-filled syringes any more. Now I get vials of it that need to be filled with water each time. As I've already experienced, they've got rid of the clipboard to record everyone coming into the clinic for tests and now everyone has an electronic pass card with a bar code that records automatically what tests need to be done each day.

So now all we have to do is wait for Day 1 of my cycle and we are off and running again. I've got very low expectations of this stimulated cycle. I think if we get one 5 day embryo, it will be a good result. I work on the rule of halves - if there's 20 follicles, we might get 10 eggs, and from that we might get 5 fertilised normally, and then end up with one or two at Day 5. Maybe we'll do better but at 43, I think its best not to have high expectations.

But what is really different this time around is juggling the appointments with Zoe, my work and LH's work. We are planning to go to three different clinics, depending on the day of the week. If its a work day for me, I'll go early to the one nearest work after I've dropped Zoe at childcare. Other days we will go near home or maybe to the main clinic if its the weekend. I'm already dreading the logistical planning that's going to go into it. It was so much simpler to get to appointments when it was just me I needed to worry about. But what a nice reason to have - our lovely Zoe is worth it all.

An explanation and a new plan

2011-02-22T14:45:00.003+11:00

I just spoke to Dr D about the findings of yesterday's ultrasound. Dr G had contacted her about what he thinks is going on. He says that the abnormal placenta must be extruding from the endometrium over time. Apparently the same thing can happen with fibroids, where they are removed but parts of them continue to stick out and need further removal.

That at least explains to me what is going on. Looking back at the ultrasound I had in October, the placental fragment looked about the same size as the one they saw yesterday, as if none of it had been removed. But if its coming out of the endometrium over time, that explains why they can never seem to remove it.

So, as I expected, he wants to do another hysteroscopy to see if he can get it all this time. I'm fine with that and realise that it may need even more effort to remove. Dr D also said they have to be careful and not go digging around in the lining for it, lest they cause some irreparable damage to the lining.

I also discussed the possibility of doing another stimulated cycle with her. She thinks its a good idea and said we can get started on my next cycle. That way, we don't have to worry about time ticking away while this issue with the endometrium gets sorted out.

So I am feeling more positive about everything now. I was still feeling pretty up from yesterday, despite not having a good result but to me it was a good outcome, because at least we know what is going on. It's when we don't know what the problem is or how to solve it that I find it more stressful.

Dr D said we need to get updated blood tests, LH needs another sperm wash and we need to have a meeting with the nurses before we start IVF again, since its been two years since our last stimulated cycle. All in all, I think its a good outcome.

The last bit of rogue placenta

2011-02-21T12:53:00.002+11:00

This morning I had another ultrasound to try and see where the placental tissue identified on the biopsy is coming from.

Dr G was to attend but in actual fact he just had a quick chat to the sonographer before he got called away to theatre. It didn't matter because he explained that he needed to see what was happening in the top left part of my uterus.

The scan showed that there is still a bit of placenta lurking there. Its seems to be about 2cm by 1cm. I felt relieved in a way because it just shows there is still some tissue there and not some other strange unexplained reason.

But Dr G was adamant that he had been absolutely religious in removing every tiny bit of placenta he could see when he did the hysteroscopy. But I guess he did miss a bit, or maybe the last bit is particularly hard to get at. The worrying thing is that its at the top of the uterus, which is right where the embryos are transferred to.

Anyway, before I had the scan, he said he thought the best course of action was to wait a couple of months to see if it resolved on its own. But having now seen that there's still a clear chunk in there, I don't see how that's going to help. If it hasn't come out in the last 15 months, I can't see what difference another two months is going to make. On the bright side, he said the rest of my uterus was looking very good - perfect were the words he used.

I feel sure that he and Dr D will recommend a fourth hysteroscopy, otherwise I don't see how we are going to get it out. Guess I'll just have to wait for them to call to see what they think.

There was some good news though. According to the sonographer, my ovaries look very good. There were about 7 or 8 follicles on each side, which is really excellent for someone as old as me :-) But that's only part of the story - it means I would probably get a good number of eggs from a round of IVF but the eggs are still 43 years old and the quality isn't going to be great. But at least I can still produce a good number of eggs for someone my age.

I'm more sure now that we should go ahead and do another stimulated cycle without delay. It may be a waste of time if one of our two remaining embryos become a baby, but we consider the cost worth it. I just can't waste any more time and we can do the stimulated cycle and freeze any embryos while we wait for the uterus to be sorted out.

Some action at last

2011-02-17T19:18:00.002+11:00

Today I got a call from Dr D's receptionist to tell me she'd organised an ultrasound for me on Monday morning. Dr G wants to attend while it is done so that's the time he's apparently available.

I am feeling so positive again and thinking that we might actually resolve this horrible mess and the only reason is because we are taking the next step towards sorting things out.

If I had to put my finger on what causes the most stress with this IVF journey, it's the waiting for things to happen, which accounts for about 95% of the time. I just find it so stressful. Knowing I'm going to have an ultrasound on Monday is enough to make me feel a glimmer of hope again, even though it could reveal problems that we just can't solve.

I don't know what they will find on the ultrasound but my worst fears are that they will see a fragment of placenta that is buried or attached so deeply to the uterine wall and that will mean there's no chance of getting it out. On the other hand, maybe they will find almost nothing amiss, which will hopefully mean the placental tissue found on the biopsy is really minimal and will pass with time.

Either way, it will be good to have more information. And then we can decide if doing another stimulated cycle sooner rather than later is the way to go.

'A very difficult problem'

2011-02-16T20:38:00.002+11:00

'A very difficult problem' - that's what Dr G had to say about my situation. This morning I finally called Dr D again to see if I could get some answers. I was so sick and stressed out with waiting, I just couldn't cope with it any more.

Fortunately, this time I got some action. She called this afternoon to talk things through. In the opinion of Dr G who did the last hysteroscopy, the only thing I can do now is wait for a couple of cycles to see if the problem of the placental tissue in the uterus resolves itself.

Needless to say, this was pretty bad news. If it hasn't resolved over the last 15 months, I don't know why another couple of months would help. But maybe after the last hysteroscopy, where all the visible bits of placenta were removed, the final tiny pieces will come away.

I asked Dr D was it possible to see the placenta when the last hysteroscopy was done. She said they could be seen as yellow bits in the endometrium and this is why Dr G is so confident that he'd finally got them. But maybe the placenta that is being detected by the biopsy is microscopic and too small to see.

Dr G has also recommended I have a 'special kind' of ultrasound to have a look at the lining, which apparently shows what the hysteroscope can't. Maybe this will show why there are still bits of placenta that won't come out. It might show that they are embedded deep in the lining, which will be really bad news because then I don't know if there will be any hope of getting them out.

Dr D said we may never resolve this problem. This didn't come as a huge shock because I'd already concluded that might be the case. She also said we can't put the embryos back in while this placental tissue is there because the inflammation will absolutely stop any implantation.

So we may end up in a situation where we can't fix the uterus and we can't put the embryos back. I think if that happens, we may need to take a chance on it even though there's little chance we would succeed.

So all in all, the situation and prospects are very grim indeed. I strangely don't feel too bad about it because its nothing less than I expected anyway. And the sheer relief of finally knowing what's going on is just huge. Waiting for a phone call from Dr D for nearly three weeks has just been killing me so I'm glad its finally over.

Now at least we can get on with life and not think about IVF too much for a little while.

When I told LH about all this, he voiced something I've been thinking about too. That is, should we do another stimulated IVF cycle now and freeze all the embryos. Its a big thing to do given that a. we may already have an embryo that will become a baby, b. we may never get the chance to implant more embryos if my uterus never recovers and c. our chances of success on a stim cycle are probably about 5% at best.

Anyway, we will mull that one over for a while. The cost is the main reason not to do it. With the Medicare safety net now gone from IVF, it would cost a lot for something that may not be worthwhile for many reasons.

In the too hard basket

2011-02-14T18:24:00.002+11:00

I feel like I'm 'in the too hard basket'. Another day has gone by, and still no contact from my doctor. I feel like I've been abandoned because my problems are too difficult to deal with.

I'm sure she hasn't completely abandoned me but it feels like it since I've had not even a phone call of reassurance from her. I'm assuming that she still hasn't spoken to her colleague so they can work out what to do with me next, but even so, is she too busy to even call me to talk things through?

I don't even know any more if I'm being unreasonable. I've been wondering if we should start looking for another doctor. I don't want to change at this stage but I do feel pretty neglected at a time that's really stressful for me. Calling again doesn't work. The gate-keeper receptionist just says she'll pass on the message and then I continue to hear nothing.

I want to know where we go from here. From my untrained point of view, it seems there are only two options. Either I have yet another hysteroscopy in another attempt to scrape out the remaining bits of placenta, or we go ahead with the embryo transfer and hope for the best.

The second option seems like a real risk but maybe there's something that can be done to block the immune response to make sure the rogue cells and tissues don't interfere with implantation. I just don't know.

What I do know is that when my doctor finally bothers to call me, I'm going to ask a lot more questions than I have so far. Like, just how much placental tissue is in there? Are there lots of small pieces, or a couple of large ones? Are they easy to see or really microscopic? And what does the pathology show? Is there lots of inflammation, or just a little bit? Is there anything that can be one about it, other than more surgery? How much does it matter to have these bits of placenta there anyway? Has this happened to anyone else and what was done about it?

But for now I'll just have to sit tight and wait until she calls and really, I've just got no idea when that might be.

Resilience

2011-02-13T15:14:00.002+11:00

Resilience - that's what the counsellors and experts say you need to do IVF. I feel like I need to rediscover my resilience reserves.

What does it actually mean? According to wikipedia - resilience is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning.

So I guess that's what I'm doing now, and have been doing for the last couple of years - coping with the stress and adversity that is IVF. I can't say I'm bouncing back to a state of normal functioning, but I am at least functioning somehow.

I'm in a state of depression this weekend but I'm slowly coming out of it. I've resolved to carry on and stay the distance with this stuff somehow. Until now, I keep focussing on how time is ticking away on us being able to do another stimulated cycle successfully if our two remaining embryos don't 'take'.

But actually we will just need to do what needs to be done to have baby #2 until we are sure we can do no more. I just need to let go of the time thing. If it turns out we are doing our last stimulated IVF cycle with me at the age of 44, then so be it.

When we started IVF again last year, I had hoped it would all be over, succeed or fail, by about September. Then it changed to the end of the year, then I hoped it would all be over by easter. Now I think we'll be lucky if we've hung up the towel by the end of this year.

But knowing that, at least I can mentally prepare for it and get my 'resilience' going so I can get through it. The other good thing, although mystifying for me, is that LH is honestly unaffected by all these delays and problems. For him, having Zoe is enough and a second baby is just a bonus. Its good he feels that way because he can be more supportive of me, even though he doesn't feel the same.

Its a long way from the dark days of January 2009, when we were both on the floor after the second IVF cycle failed. It may well take 6 months or more to sort out these retained placenta issues, and in fact we may never sort them out. But at least I'm now in a more realistic place and that's so much easier to deal with than having my elevated hopes dashed again.

Bad news again

2011-02-11T17:49:00.002+11:00

Today I got the results of my latest endometrial biopsy. The news isn't good - there are still bits of placenta in my uterus.

Its been a terrible afternoon. I came home early from work because I wasn't feeling well with this cold I picked up from Zoe. I was planning to call the doctors office yet again to see if my results were in, and then it occurred to me I could just ask the path lab if they were completed.

The path lab said that yes, they had been sent to my doctor but I spoke to the accounts department and they couldn't tell me when they had been sent.

I then called my doctors receptionist to tell her this news and ask why I still didn't have the results. She said she didn't know what was going on but that she had left every messages with Dr D each time I'd called. She also said Dr D was interstate and I wouldn't hear anything until Monday.

Well, then I just cried. I was so exhausted from this waiting and wondering it just overwhelmed me. Then I decided to call the path lab again, to try and find out exactly when the results were sent to Dr D.

This time they put me through to the results department and they confirmed the results had been sent electronically on January 31 and the hard copy had been sent on Feb 2nd.

I can't begin to describe how enraged I was to hear this. I was just so incredibly angry, thinking that Dr D had known my results all this time but hadn't told me. I then called the receptionist again and this time she said she'd call Dr D to find out what was going on.

In the meantime I tried to contain my anger and started thinking about whether we should change doctors. It wasn't long before the receptionist called back.

The upshot was that the biopsy showed there is still placenta in my uterus so there is no change for the better. The reason Dr D hadn't called is because she didn't want to worry me with the news until she had a plan of action. To make a plan, she needed to talk to Dr G, the one who did the last hysteroscopy. Unfortunately for me (and him!), he's been sick and away from work for two weeks so she hasn't been able to talk to him.

So hopefully I will hear from her on Monday about our next steps once she's had a chat to him. Even though I'm pretty devastated that we are no further towards resolving this, the overriding feeling is that at last I know the results and the dreadful waiting period is over. And I don't think badly of Dr D because of course the right thing to do is not to break bad news to the patient until you have a plan.

But in the end, making me wait two weeks for an answer did worry me a lot, so she didn't really achieve that goal. But as LH says, if I had known the result two weeks ago, I would have just spent the last two weeks worrying about waiting to hear what we are to do next.

I think I know what the next step will be anyway - another hysteroscopy. Dr G had told Dr D previously that sometimes in these cases you just have to keep going back in to try and remove placenta until you succeed.

But our chances of having another baby are really slipping away now. More surgery increases the risk of damaging the uterus such that I might not be able to get pregnant at all. And if the placenta is in tiny bits all over the uterus, they may never be able to completely remove it.

I wonder if we might reach a point where we say enough is enough, and just put the embryos back in and hope for the best. If that's what happens, then so be it. I just want to be moving forward and getting on with life.

Will this horrible wait never end?

2011-02-10T20:52:00.002+11:00

Today its exactly two weeks since I had my latest endometrial biopsy and still no results. I called my doctors office today to check but of course the receptionist just said the results weren't in yet.

I can't begin to explain how tired, fed-up and angry I am with this whole mess now. I just want it to be over so we can move on. I don't even care if the result is bad - I just want the waiting to stop. I don't think I even care if our two embryos don't work. I just don't want to do it any more.

Now we are facing another weekend of waiting and wondering what will happen next. And I've got a cold that I caught from Zoe so I feel physically terrible as well. Add to that the fact that Zoe hasn't slept a night in the last two weeks without waking up and its all just a bit too much.

She couldn't sleep because of the heat and then she got a cold. Now I'm experiencing the same cold, I can see why she's been so unhappy. My throat really hurts and it makes me sad to think how hers must have been hurting too. I'm really, really hoping she stays asleep tonight so we can all get some rest.

And the other worry is my period, which was so light it was almost non-existent. I just can't see how I can grow another baby with such a crap cycle. I guess all we can hope for is that the drugs do their job and support the endometrium enough to get implantation, assuming of course the embryos are up to it.

So I may well be four days into our nextfrozen cycle, or about to abandon the tablets for the unknown yet again. I just can't wait to get some resolution - good or bad.

The heatwave has broken

2011-02-06T16:09:00.001+11:00

I'm sitting here with the window open and a blissful cool breeze is blowing over me. Finally, after 6 days the heatwave has broken. I've coped with it pretty well but last night was really hard core. LH said it was still 31 degrees C at 1am when he came to bed. That's a very hot night. Zoe has been finding it hard to fall asleep in the heat and last night she woke at 3am and it took me an hour to get her back to sleep. We are all looking forward to a nice restful sleep tonight.

And at last my period has started. I was really wondering what was going on. Its Day 33 of this cycle and I thought it was never going to end. Yesterday I spent the day see-sawing between thinking there was a chance of me being pregnant, and telling myself not to be so silly. Anyway, its nice to get resolution and the PMT was pretty bad because I've just been so stressed this cycle.

Tomorrow I'll start taking my oestrogen pills as if we were starting a frozen cycle and hopefully I will have the results of the biopsy by Thursday. It can't come soon enough. This waiting period has just been torturous and even if the news is bad, I'll be glad just to at least know what's going on.

Maybe this time everything will be clear and we can get back into IVF.

Worse than a TWW

2011-02-05T09:36:00.002+11:00

I've decided there is something worse than a two week wait. Its a two week wait, waiting for my latest endometrial biopsy results.

The reason its worse than waiting for a pregnancy test is that at least with a negative pregnancy test you can just go back and have another try (usually). But if the results of this biopsy are negative, then I don't know where we go from here. A fourth hysteroscopy? Don't know.

Dr D said we'd have the results by the end of this week. That hasn't happened and I'm not actually surprised. Each other time it took two weeks for the biopsy results to come through. I think they have to culture the cells to work out if there's any inflammation going on, and maybe some PCR as well, so not surprising it takes a while.

I think Dr D must have been thinking of some other test. If I had one criticism of her, its that she can be a bit absent minded with minor details like that. In the grand scheme of things, they don't matter, but they do make a difference to me. Still, only a very minor criticism and we are very happy with the way she's looked after us and as LH says, proof of her expertise is wandering around the house causing havoc now.

And there's another complication to throw into the mix. My plan was to start oestrogen pills for the next frozen cycle before getting the biopsy results so we wouldn't miss another month. But as yet, there's still no sign of AF. I'm now on Day 33 of this cycle. Since being pregnant, I haven't had a cycle go longer than 29 days tops and even before then, 35 days was the longest it ever got.

Through the darkest hours of the past week when I've been thinking about the biopsy results, I started to wonder if AF wasn't coming because I might have developed intrauterine adhesions. This is a condition called Asherman's syndrome and it is mainly caused by having D&C after miscarriage or to get rid of placenta etc. The damage to the uterus causes adhesions to form and the walls stick to each other. After three D&Cs (which is what I've had), about 30% of women develop it. The flow of periods gets less or disappears altogether because the adhesions stop the blood from being released. It seemed unlikely this was the case for me and it occurred to me yesterday that any adhesions would have to block the cervix to stop AF and I'm thinking that DR D would not have been able to get the tiny brush in there to sweep around for the biopsy. So these are the thoughts that have been running through my head.

That only leaves one option - maybe, against all the odds, I'm actually pregnant. I've been telling myself for a week not to be so stupid as to entertain that idea because, apart from anything else, the biopsy would have got rid of any embryo that was in the uterus.

But this morning I did the sums. If I ovulated the weekend before last, that would have been around Day 19 or 20, which I know from experience is about when I ovulate. After fertilisation it takes six days for the embryo to move into the uterus - Day 25 or 26. I had the biopsy on Day 24 so it is in the realms of possibility that any embryo would still have been in the fallopian tube.

So I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up and the whole situation is just too ridiculous to contemplate. I'm not planning to do a pregnancy test until Day 35 or 36 - Monday or Tuesday. I've done them so many times prematurely before, I'm determined to wait it out this time.

Mentally, I've really struggled this week. I've been very grumpy with LH and extremely on edge. But now I've got to some calm place, maybe because I know the biopsy results are another week away. Or maybe because there's just a small, tiny glimmer of hope that the impossible might have happened.

More waiting

2011-01-31T20:59:00.002+11:00

Today I've been a bit preoccupied thinking about the result of the latest endometrial biopsy. I'm so afraid it will come up negative again and show that there is still inflammation present. I just don't know where we go next if that is the case.

I haven't even tried to think positively, I'm so intent on not setting myself up for a fall. I've been worrying about whether having three hysteroscopies has done any damage to my uterus that will also mean problems getting pregnant, even if the inflammation is gone.

Crazy to think about this but I'm protection mode, trying to insulate myself from any further bad news.

Meanwhile I wait for AF to start. Today is Day 28 of this cycle so it should not be far away. The last cycle, it had started on Day 27 and I was expecting it to be short again but not this time it seems. Perhaps the PMT is getting to me as well and making me feel less positive. There's no rush for it. Even if AF didn't show up until I got the results of the biopsy, that would be fine.

So life ticks along ok otherwise. We've been booking lots of holidays this week. We'll be taking advantage of the longer easter break this year to go to Broome. And today we booked our outward flights to Europe in August for LH's sister's wedding. Its all good stuff to look forward to, and I'm stopping myself thinking about whether I'd be able to go if I was pregnant. Assuming we did a frostie cycle in February, that would make me 7 months pregnant at the time - not sure if that's allowed or not. Anyway, letting my thoughts wander down those roads is crazy stuff...

Another step forward

2011-01-27T18:58:00.002+11:00

Today I had another endometrial biospy. It was as straightforward as before. Dr D asked had I taken any pain killers and I said I didn't even think of it. I just don't seem to have much pain and no cramping so there wasn't any need.

So I now have to wait up to a week for the results. In the meantime, I'm expecting my period to start. Dr D agreed that I could start taking oestrogen pills as if this will be a medicated frozen cycle. If the results are bad, then I'll just stop taking them some time next week. I've still got plenty of pills and all my paperwork ready to go from last time.

As for what happens if the results of the biopsy show yet more inflammation, Dr D admitted she wasn't sure what next and that she would talk to her colleague who did the last hysteroscopy. Although she was reasonably confident, without getting my hopes up, that he had done a good job of removing all the rogue tissue.

So here I am again...waiting....waiting...waiting.

I've been a pretty slack blogger of late. The truth is that I've just felt so low and incredibly frustrated by the whole IVF process at the moment that I couldn't even blog. But the whole point of the blog is for me to work through all the hard stuff, so I've resolved to make more effort.

I'm also starting to feel again that IVF is a big imposition on our lives. We are trying to plan holidays, and even thinking about potentially going to live in New York and yet everything revolves around when we might finally hang up our IVF boots for good.

In the end, we've just gone and made plans for holidays regardless. We've wasted so much time now that another month isn't going to matter much. LH has had to abandon the possible NYC move because they want someone in March or April, which we can't possibly commit to.

I hope that we will be finished with IVF one way or another by the end of June but perhaps it won't be until the end of this year. It reminds me of the mind set we were in at the start of 2009, where we planned for a whole year of IVF. Happily, we were all done by March.

I've also been thinking I need another visit to the counsellor to try and work out how to deal with this incredible frustration I am feeling. The sheer annoyance of not being able to do anything and having to wait is just so hard.

I feel at the moment that one positive event (eg today's biopsy) happens and then we wait another whole month before the next stage can happen. Its just excruciating :-(

A good omen??

2011-01-10T17:56:00.002+11:00

Last week we got another bill for embryo storage fees. It may well be the last one we have to pay. It stated how many embryos were left - two, and when the cycle they came from happened - October 2008. That means that in the last frozen embryo cycle, they must have used the lone remaining embryo from our second stimulated cycle.

I'm not sure how they go about choosing which embryos to thaw for a frozen cycle, but I've got this completely unreasonable hope that the two from the first cycle that Zoe came from, have got a good chance because that cycle has already produced a baby.

There's no reason to think embies from one cycle are any better than another, but maybe it will be good luck for us next time.

I talked to Dr D today and the endometrial biopsy is scheduled for January 27th. She said she'll do it in her office instead of the clinic since its pretty straightforward. This means I should be able to fit the whole thing into my lunch hour and Zoe will be at childcare so I won't have to worry about what to do with her.

The doctor wants to make absolutely sure that things in my uterus have gone back to normal. I haven't had any results from the latest hysteroscopy but there's no need really because they will just show that there was still more retained placenta there.

But fingers crossed, the next biopsy will come up clear. It will be on Day 24 of this cycle and there will be no monitoring. Dr D thinks it very unlikely I will get pregnant naturally at the moment so there won't be any pregnancy test.

I'm ok about this because I do think the chances of conceiving naturally are pretty remote so its no big deal. We will then have to wait a week to get the results and if all is clear, we can get going on the next frozen cycle. I won't be anticipating a good result on the biopsy though - I've been through enough to know that it might not happen.

By the time the results come through, I will be into my next cycle but Dr D said its fine to start the frozen cycle a couple of days in if need be. Not sure how that will work with the oestrogen pills, but I guess they just reset things so maybe I start taking them and that becomes Day 1.

Anyway, its all a way off yet. And it will be about two years to the day that we started our frozen cycle that gave us Zoe - another good omen maybe.

A new year, a new start?

2011-01-03T11:01:00.002+11:00

Happy new year to everyone out there. Thanks to everyone for their support over the last year of more IVF trials and tribulations.

On christmas eve, I had my third hysteroscopy. It was good to have fitted it in before christmas and not wasted any more time. My doctor got another doctor, who is an expert at endometriosis and hysteroscopy, to perform it. I think she felt he has more experience and therefore would be able to get rid of more of the rogue placenta.

It all went well, as far as I could tell. The doctor told me he had removed lots of bits of tissue so fingers crossed it is all gone now, but I won't be surprised if it isn't after all this. Once again, I had no pain at all and didn't even use any of the Panadeine forte I was prescribed. And the bleeding only lasted a couple of days and was pretty light. So no lasting side effects at all. Hopefully everything is equally straightforward on the inside.

Dr D said I will once again have to have an endometrial biopsy to check if things have got back to normal, which I was expecting and I wholeheartedly agree with. I definitely don't want any more embryo transfers until everything in my uterus is 100% back to normal.

She said we can skip all the blood monitoring this time and just time it for late in the cycle, since she said its unlikely I will get pregnant on my own anyway. So I am assuming I will be having the next endometrial biopsy some time in January.

She said that she hoped one of the embryos would take after all this, and I said I was resigned to the fact that they might not. We talked about another stimulated cycle and I said we'd decided to make a decision on that once the next two embryos are out of contention. I made it clear I know our chances of success down that road are pretty unlikely, but Dr D said she's got a 43 year old patient pregnant with twins, so anything is possible.

My overriding feeling about IVF at the moment is I just want to get through it and move on. I am still feeling very negative about our chances of having baby #2 and therefore I just want to get on with life.

I've at least got out of planning mode, thinking about when transfers will happen because everything is very much stalled at the moment so I've got no real idea of when the next cycle will be. Despite the negativity, I'm actually feeling all right about things and in as good a space mentally as you can expect to be when in the middle of IVF.

Always assume the worst

2010-12-22T14:39:00.002+11:00

Well I did assume the worst - that the hysteroscopy would not have solved my endometrial problems, and that's exactly what's happened.

Yesterday my dr called with the results of the endometrial biopsy and said that once again they have detected something they thought might be placental tissue and also a lot of inflammation and necrosis.

I'd been assuming the worst since things have gone so wrong this time around, and I had a gut feeling the news would be bad so it didn't hit me too hard.

The upshot is that I'm to have yet another (my third) hysteroscopy and curette to see if they can't get rid of the problems this time around. Dr D said they have to strike a fine balance between trying to get rid of all the rogue tissue and not doing any damage to my uterus.

In effect I will have had the surgical equivalent of three abortions this year, which is not great. Each one increases the chances of scarring and adhesions the more they are done. But I really have no other option. We can't put any more embryos in there until this is sorted out, and it hasn't resolved naturally after more than 12 months, so Dr D (and I) doesn't think its going to. She's asked one of her colleagues to do the surgery - not sure why, maybe he is more experienced.

I haven't got low expectations now, I've got no expectations that things will go well. It would be great to think this is the last of the surgery and it will be sorted out, but it might not be. Strangely, I don't feel as gutted about it as I might expect. I think its because we have such a slim chance of another pregnancy anyway, this is just another road block for us. If I was 10 years younger, I think it would worry me a lot more because I would be concerned about the damage to my uterus and future pregnancies.

But as it is, at best we will have only one more pregnancy, and that is extremely unlikely anyway, that it doesn't seem so devastating. Maybe it will hit me harder if it doesn't work out this time but for now, I'm just stoically plodding on and hoping for the best.

Amazing how much of a mess a badly formed placenta can make.

Just made it over the line

2010-12-07T17:55:00.002+11:00

Today I had the endometrial biopsy as planned. AF did start to get going this morning but was very light. When I talked to the nurse, she asked was it spotting and I said, what's the definition of spotting? So she spoke to Dr D, who said we could go ahead as planned. She said she didn't want me to wait another month and this biopsy was really important before we use any more frozen embryos.

Needless to say, I was pretty glad that it was going ahead. Dealing with yet another month's delay would have really done my head in and I was feeling very down about everything last night.

The biopsy itself was very straightforward, although by the time it was done at 1.30pm, the flow was greater. Dr D made a comment about it being more than just 'spotting' so I don't think she felt it was an ideal situation but she was as keen to get it done as I was. It took just 5 minutes and I didn't even have any cramping. I've started to wonder if my cervix isn't as resistant to dilation as it was before pregnancy and so I get less cramping and pain these days.

Anyway, Dr D said this cycle was also worthwhile because we learned that my luteal phase is short and my progesterone levels are not good. She said something like 'A peak progesterone of 16 is very low'. I hadn't asked for any hormone levels this cycle, so I've got no idea what they were. It seems that while my cycles were ok when we first started out on IVF, maybe they now have changed and are not ok.

She said the progesterone levels would not have been enough to support a pregnancy and we would need to go with medicated cycles from now on. We've already done one of those after the first cancelled frozen cycle, so nothing new there. But I definitely won't be asking if we can try an unmedicated cycle as we did when Zoe was conceived.

Anyway, the results of the biopsy won't be available for two weeks, so that puts paid to another cycle until next month. I can't say I'm unhappy about that. It would have happened over christmas and new year, while we were juggling family visiting and having a few days at a beach house at new year, so its a good thing that we will be starting fresh in January.

But at least the biopsy is finally done. Now all I need is for the results to come back clear. If they don't, Dr D says we might need to try antibiotics, or even another hysteroscopy. I'm feeling so pessimistic about things at the moment that I'll be preparing myself for more bad news along those lines in two weeks.

Maybe 2011 will be our year.

More troubles?

2010-12-06T14:13:00.002+11:00

Today I had the second blood test to confirm there wasn't a pregnancy ahead of the endometrial biospy tomorrow.

The one on Friday came back negative so I wasn't surprised that today's one did as well. Unfortunately I had started to feel hopeful about it, based on feeling some stinging at the sides of my breasts, as I did with the first pregnancy. But once again, it was negative. Don't know why I even entertained the idea it might be otherwise really. And it worries me that I was imagining phantom symptoms.

But today we've got another problem. The nurse said my progesterone levels have come right down and my period is probably not far away. I've been feeling all morning that it might be on the way and I've got some almost non-existent spotting.

The nurse said Dr D will go ahead with the biopsy tomorrow if it is just spotting. But if my period starts full-on, then its all off. I was worried this might happen all along, once I knew the biopsy was done on Day 11 after ovulation. My own experience of my cycles is that the luteal phase isn't very long but I thought I would at least make it to Day 12 so we would be ok.

Now it seems this whole cycle might have been wasted, not to mention the $335 that it has cost us. Maybe my period will hold off long enough to get the biopsy done but I'm not very hopeful.

Its just one more blow to our chances of having another baby. How much more of this can I take? I feel like I've been waiting months just for us to have another go at a frozen cycle and here we are delayed yet again.

Anyway, we won't know more until tomorrow but I know my body and my guess is that my period will be in full swing before tomorrow afternoon :-(

The long slog

2010-12-02T13:37:00.002+11:00

I'm wondering whether I've got much more emotional energy to put into IVF. I've been feeling pretty low about it all the last few days and not having much hope we will have baby #2. I know I haven't had that hard a time of it, having only done two stim cycles, two frozens and two cancelled. Some people go through way more.

But I'm dreading another 11 day wait after a transfer, let alone multiple ones. I have to keep focussing on one day at a time and not let the long term bring me down. I'm more sure now that I want to do another stimulated cycle if our two frosties don't take. I think I have to take the approach that my body responds well to stimulation and my age might be less of a factor than it is for other women.

The statistics only tell part of the story when I look at the rates of success for the over 40's. Some women get very few eggs and don't respond well. I'm confident I will respond well again, even though it is two years later and I'm that much older.

Tomorrow I have my next blood test to make sure I did ovulate and that I'm not pregnant ahead of the endometrial biopsy next week. As much as I'd like to think positive about the pregnancy test, its just so unlikely so I'm trying not to think about it.

All sorted for this cycle

2010-11-27T20:03:00.002+11:00

Things are going well in this endometrial biopsy cycle. I had another blood test on Friday because the nurse said I was 'close' to ovulation and it turned out I did actually ovulate on Friday - Day 17. LH and I made sure we made the most of the opportunity to go for a baby the 'natural' way, the first and probably the last time we will get the opportunity to do it knowing just exactly when I ovulated.

Next step is a blood test 7 days after ovulation (Friday) and another one on Monday (D10 PO). They will be checking to see if I'm pregnant before going ahead with the biopsy. I'm hopeful everything will be ok and we can get into the next frozen cycle right away.

I haven't updated on Zoe's progress for a while. A momentous occasion happened last week. We finally stopped formula for good, which was a great feeling. No more sterilising bottles, boiling water and making formula every night. She's now on cows milk, although it is lactose free. Every time we give her the real thing, she gets bad nappy rash so we are trying to wean her onto it very slowly.

And she managed another milestone yesterday. She learned how to drink from her sippy cup with the straw. This means she can have a drink independently - I don't need to lie her down (she can't work out how to tip the cup up to drink yet) and she's off the bottles. All in all, getting to be a 'big girl'. It also means I might be able to get her to drink more water, which has been pretty unsuccessful so far.

Day 14 - business as usual

2010-11-23T12:46:00.004+11:00

Yesterday I had my second blood test for this endometrial biopsy cycle. As usual, things are progressing slowly. I have to go for my next BT on Thursday. From past experience, I don't usually ovulate until Day 18 or later and since today is only Day 14, we've got a way to go yet.

But the last time I was being monitored for ovulation was for my first frozen cycle back after pregnancy and it ended up being cancelled because my oestrogen levels just kept dropping away. Hopefully that won' t happen this time.

LH and I had a discussion about our next frozen cycle and we decided we want to go ahead with it straight away so we will plough on with it through christmas and new year if we have to. I am just finding the endless delays and waiting really frustrating and stressful so we just want to get it over and done with as soon as we can.

Other mildly bad news today is that LH is about to be staffed on another interstate case. We've had such a good run - he's been working in Sydney all year. It had to end sometime I guess. The upside is that since I finish work for the year on Dec 10, Zoe and I might spend a few days in Brisbane with him for a change of scenery.

At the moment, I am trying to just take one day at a time and enjoy this lovely weather we are having. Its so nice to not be working every day at this time of year.

Slowly but surely progressing

2010-11-19T15:27:00.002+11:00

Today I had my first blood test for this endometrial biopsy cycle. Its Day 10 and I was expecting not much to be happening and for them to send me for another BT on Monday. And guess what, I was right. I know the drill so well these days...

And I didn't ask to know what my test results were. I'm just over obsessing about it all and this cycle doesn't matter anyway.

Having the blood test this morning wasn't exactly smooth sailing. I've decided not to go to the IVF clinic for my blood tests and just to go to the local path collection centre. This I did this morning - Zoe and I walked over there with the pram. The first snag was that the path collection centre was at the back of a doctors surgery and up a big flight of stairs. So I had to leave the pram at the bottom of the stairs, hope no-one stole it while I was gone and hold Zoe in my arms while the nurse took blood. Fortunately she's such a good girl that she just sat there and didn't make a fuss.

I'd written urgent on the path request form since the nurses didn't do it before sending to me. I asked the nurse who took the blood when I could expect the results. She said 2-3 days, not realising that it was urgent. She was most insistent that I wouldn't get any results today and I was pretty worried about how that would work. But then she spotted the word 'urgent' and backtracked and said the results would be done today. I got the call at about 3.15pm and blood was taken about 8.30am so that's not too bad.

But on Monday I'm going to another collection centre that has wheelchair access - kicking myself for not checking this sooner.

I'm feeling a bit low about our miniscule chances of having another baby. A friend called and I told her all about my trials and tribulations with the hysteroscopy and last failed cycle. She said we should have asked for a refund. I told her its not the money I'm fretting about, its the lost embryo. Putting it into words - that of 7 embryos, we've had one baby so the chances of having another from the remaining two is slim - made me realise just how unlikely it is.

And I've been googling what the chances are of having an IVF baby from your own eggs at 43 and it looks like its even lower than I thought - less than 5%. But I can't help but think I want to have another good at a stimulated cycle just so I can rest assured that we tried everything we could before we gave up.

Its kind of weird to think that I will probably never use contraception ever again. All those years of taking the pill and using condoms are behind me now. And its quite a good feeling really. Contraception is just a nuisance so it will be good not to have to worry about it again.

And so to the next step

2010-11-12T09:09:00.003+11:00

Well my period finally arrived. It actually didn't take too long - about 5 weeks since stopping the oestrogen tablets. I must have ovulated exactly when I thought I did as well. This is very reassuring and makes me think maybe we can go for an unmedicated frozen cycle once we get moving again.

So now I am on the endometrial biopsy cycle - something new! The idea is that they will be tracking ovulation with blood tests and then the biopsy will be scheduled for 11 days after ovulation. There's at least one more blood test before the biopsy to make sure I'm not pregnant.

Its going to be an interesting cycle because it means that I will know exactly when I ovulate from the blood tests so LH and I can try to get pregnant the 'old-fashioned' way. There's little chance of that, but we take every opportunity.

The first blood test is next Friday and knowing me, there will be about a week of them until I ovulate. I feel a bit less anxious now that we are going again. I've been struggling to deal with the waiting and worrying lately. The one concern I've got is that the biopsy will show there's still inflammation in the lining, which will mean more waiting but I'll deal with that if and when we come to it.

Another year rolls around

2010-11-09T10:04:00.002+11:00

Tomorrow its my 43rd birthday. I've got a lot to be thankful for. I've got my beautiful Zoe and LH, we've got a lovely house and I've got a job I really love that also allows me to still have lots of time with Zoe.

Life couldn't be better really. But despite all that, I'm still feeling down. Its not the ageing thing - I've been, and still am, happy in my 40's. Its this IVF stuff that's getting me down.

I'm slowly but surely becoming reconciled to not having any more children and I'm mostly ok with it. But being stuck in the middle of this process is what is wearing me down. At the moment, we are just completely stalled waiting for my cycle to start so we can do the endometrial investigative cycle. I just want to be through all this and out the other side so we can move on. Its been so long now and I'm a bit weary from it all.

I do keep reminding myself of how lucky we are to have actually succeeded in having a baby through IVF and in the grand scheme of things, two years of it really isn't much. Lots of couples spend far more years of their lives caught up in IVF and some don't succeed at all.

But I feel like life is in on hold in a sort of a way until we reach the endpoint of IVF, whatever that might be.

I've also been thinking about how things might be different next time around. It would be great to have a 'normal' pregnancy, whatever that is, without the scary complications. It would be great to have a normal birth without a caesarian and it would be great to be able to breastfeed normally without issues of milk production and wayward placentas. And it would be really good to have a baby that wasn't premature.

Not much of a wish list, is it? (not!). I realise all this is probably a pipe dream because in reality most births and pregnancies aren't completely normal. I have to admit that I'm still a bit scarred by the first weeks of Zoe's life. The weight gain issues and breastfeeding were incredibly tough and I just have this real desire to do it all again without the troubles. But first I need to be pregnant again and that's just getting more and more unlikely by the day.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to enjoy my birthday tomorrow and not wallow in feeling sorry for myself. I really am very lucky.

In limbo

2010-11-01T13:22:00.002+11:00

This morning, against my better judgement, I did a pregnancy test. I just knew it was going to be negative and of course it was. But as always, I live in hope.

We are now just waiting to get started on the endometrial biopsy cycle. I think I might have ovulated some time around Friday or Saturday so I'm hoping that AF will show up in a bit less than two weeks and we can get started.

It looks as thought we won't get to another frozen embryo cycle until 2011 now. The endometrial biospy cycle will take a month and that means we couldn't get started until mid-December. I don't want to be in the middle of another cycle when my family are visiting at christmas, so it will be January before we get going again I think.

It doesn't matter really. I think the chances of us trying another stimulated cycle are fading now anyway, and there's no rush to get the frozen cycles done. The good thing with all this extra delay is that it will give my poor uterus time to settle down and hopefully the inflammation will have gone by the time we get around to another frozen cycle.

As for Zoe, she's finally now consistently mastered pulling herself up to a stand. She just couldn't stop doing it yesterday, and has now figured out how to go up the two stairs from the kitchen into the dining room and lounge. So we now have to get stair gates since that part of the house isn't child proof.

And if that wasn't enough, with her new found skills she decided it would be a good idea to try and climb onto a low table in the garden. She very nearly succeeded and luckily I was there beside her to make sure she didn't fall. Can't believe the crazy little imp thought it would be a good idea to start climbing the same day she figured out how to stand. Seems like she's is in a hurry to learn new stuff.

Life is going to get much harder for me now though. I'm not going to be able to leave her for a few minutes to come upstairs any more because of all her new tricks. But as lovely husband would say, that's what we signed up for :-)

She's one!!!

2010-10-24T10:39:00.002+11:00

Today is Zoe's first birthday. Yesterday we had a big joint birthday party for all the bubs in our mother's group. It was lovely to see everyone again since I've been missing the group since it switched to Wednesday, one of my work days.

I've been reflecting on Zoe's first year and thinking about how lucky, lucky, lucky we are. Below are a few of my thoughts on the highlights and low lights of her first year:

1. The unbelievable feeling of happiness I had as she was handed over to me at the birth. It was so wonderful looking into her face and meeting her for the first time.

2. The incredible euphoria of the first 12 hours after she was born. LH and I just could not stop staring at her in wonder at how perfect she was.

3. The descent into fear and worry as she had a nasogastic feeding tube put in and was admitted to the special care nursery.

4. The incredible sadness and frustration with my breast milk supply and the feeling that my body had let me down again. Little did I know that it was the rogue placenta causing the problems and the anger that no-one thought of this.

5. The wonderful feeling of carrying Zoe over the threshold of our house for the first time, shutting the door and starting the first day of our lives as our little family of three.

6. The never-ending obsession with her weight gain in the first 8 weeks of her life. The professionals never really made me feel ok about it and just escalated the worry.

7. Plumbing the depths of despair when the child health nurse questioned me about how my breasts grew when I hit puberty in an attempt to figure out why my breast milk was such a problem. Sadly, she just succeeded in making me feel like a freak.

8. Walks in the park with Zoe sleeping soundly in the pram and just feeling so happy to be her mother.

9. Our first christmas as a family when Zoe smiled at me for the first time on christmas morning.

10. Zoe reaching each of her milestones - rolling, sitting up and crawling; the endless babble as she tries to say words.

11. Starting solid foods and having her love them and eat everything in sight.

12. Thanking our lucky stars that we got a baby that loves sleeping and trying not to make a big deal of it as the other mothers struggled with sleepless nights.

13. Zoe meeting her english cousins for the first time, who treated her like a princess.

14. Wondering how LH and I managed to breed such a pretty, beautiful little girl. All parents are biased but she really is so gorgeous :-)

More delays..

2010-10-21T19:13:00.002+11:00

My infertility doctor called on Monday. She said she had my pathology results from the hysteroscopy two weeks ago. I wasn't even aware that she'd taken samples.

Anyway, the tissue she found was indeed placenta so no surprise there. But she also said that there was evidence of inflammation. I guess this will have been caused by the placental tissue.

She said she wants to do an endometrial biopsy sample for my next cycle so that she can be certain that things have settled down and the inflammation is gone. If it hasn't, then we have to wait until everything is fine before we go ahead with the next frozen cycle.

Needless to say, this news was a real blow. I'm now more certain than ever that all these issues will have interfered with the first frozen cycle. We will never know if that embryo had the potential to become a baby, but if it did, it really didn't stand a chance.

I've done well trying to look forwards and not backwards but its hard not to wonder if we have lost our only chance to have another baby. And I'm now absolutely resolute that I want to have all my future ultrasounds done by the sonographers and not the nurses.

To avoid the conflict that demanding this might mean, I've decided to go for my blood tests and ultrasounds at another clinic nearer home. That will mean the sonographers have to do the scans. In some ways it will be more convenient anyway, so it should be a good option.

So now we are yet again waiting, waiting, waiting for AF to arrive. Dr D seemed to think it would start soon after the hysteroscopy but two weeks later and I'm still waiting. It might be that once I stopped the oestrogen tablets, I need to go back to zero and have a full month before my period comes.

In any case, I won't be doing a pregnancy test until at least four weeks after I stopped the tabs. It really looks like we won't be done with IVF for some time yet. I had thought that it would all be over, one way or another, before christmas but I think things might drag on into next year.

And I'm focusing more and more now on a future without a second child. I've been thinking about where my career is going and what I want to do with it in the next couple of years. I think that's a good sign that I'm moving on. And who knows, maybe we will have baby number two but if not, I'm starting to come to terms with it.

At last - Zoe reaches another milestone

2010-10-12T18:16:00.002+11:00

I've been a bit worried lately that Zoe hasn't yet learned to pull herself up to standing. According to all my baby books, she should have started to do this around 8-9 months. She has been pulling herself up onto her knees but not to stand. In fact, she really isn't that keen on standing at all so I've been giving her some practice because I was starting to worry.

Anyway, today we were in the park and she was doing her favourite thing - playing with her stroller. She was kneeling and playing with the harness straps and then suddenly she bent one knee and put her foot down, and then straightened the other leg and she was up!

It was pretty precarious and not very graceful but she finally did pull herself up to a sort of a stand - hurrah! Its just so easy to start worrying about her not reaching the developmental milestones. She has reached all of the other ones but that one had me a little worried. Hopefully she will now keep practicing and get the hang of it. I really don't care if she doesn't walk for a while but its good to know she's heading in the right direction.

And I made another discovery today when she decided to shout out loud for no apparent reason when she was in the stroller. I looked down and she looked up and me with her mouth wide open and she's got another tooth - a molar no less! I couldn't believe that this one had popped up without me being aware of it at all. And with much protesting she let me poke my finger in her mouth and lo and behold, she's got another molar on the other side. It isn't properly up yet but I could definitely feel it.

She's almost one now - only a couple of weeks to go. Can't believe it has gone so fast. She's just a delight.

As for the IVF, well I'm feeling a bit down about it at the moment. I've still got some slight spotting from the hysteroscopy last week but its nearly gone. So now I am just waiting for AF to appear and then away we go again.

I'm really just looking forward to getting to the end of it now and moving on. I'm not very hopeful that we will have another baby, but maybe I'll be proved wrong...

The very persistent placenta :-(

2010-10-07T19:56:00.003+11:00

Today I had my hysteroscopy at the IVF clinic. After the initial confusion, my infertility doctor did it. I had to have a general anaesthetic and I was feeling quite apprehensive about it.

Fortunately, Zoe was in childcare today so we didn't have to work out who would look after her but it did mean I had to have a day off work. I'm really busy at the moment, so it wasn't ideal.

I dropped Zoe at childcare and then went to the clinic before 9am. The anaesthetist saw me first and explained what would happen. It's just so weird being fully aware of people in the theatre and then next thing waking up in the recovery area.

Dr D came in soon after and said she'd used the camera to have a look around and had found yet another piece of placenta. This wasn't good news at all but at least its gone now. I asked would it have affected the last embryo we implanted and she said we'd never know.

Its just so frustrating that this mess of a placenta has caused me so many problems. Hopefully it really is all gone now.

One thing is for certain though - the piece of placenta has been there since Zoe's birth, so it really worries me that it wasn't spotted in the earlier ultrasounds. I'm now more certain than ever that I want to go to the ultrasound clinic to have all my future scans and not to the IVF clinic where they are done by the nurses.

I've recovered pretty well from the surgery. I was really tired this afternoon as the anaesthetic wore off, but I've had no pain at all.

Lovely husband came home with me and worked from home this afternoon. He also went and picked up Zoe from childcare this evening. Unfortunately, as soon as he walked in the door, she burst into tears. She must realise that the days she spends there ends with me coming to get her, and having LH appear instead just really upset her expectations. I felt really sorry for poor LH - its hardly the welcome he was expecting. Zoe really is very attached to me these days. It apparently becomes really strong at this stage of her life. It's kind of nice to have the little darling so attached to me and thinking I am the best thing in the world. I should enjoy it - I'm sure she won't feel that way at times when she's older!

Anyway, I now need to wait for the bleeding from the surgery to stop and then for my period to start again and we can launch into the next frozen cycle. My hopes for success are pretty low now, especially with these extra complications. I just need to stop thinking about that last embryo and move on now. I'm also swaying towards doing another stimulated cycle but we won't make that decision until the last of the frosties are gone.

Cancelled again :-(

2010-09-29T19:23:00.002+10:00

Today I had a follow-up ultrasound and the upshot is that this frozen cycle has been cancelled.

As I explained yesterday, Dr D decided to send me to the ultrasound clinic for another U/S to see what was going on inside. I can't work out whether this happened because I questioned things, or whether she had a change of heart.

Anyway, it was a completely different experience having the U/S done by a professional. It only took about 10 minutes and she didn't comment on anything so I had no idea of whether things were ok or not.

When the nurse called at lunch time, she said they had found 'something' and we should not proceed any further with this cycle until we sort out what it is. She said it didn't look worrying, although how she could say that I really don't know.

She told me to go back to my obstetrician (the one who did the D&C in Feb) and get him to sort it out. Since I would need a referral from Dr D to see him, I called her office and explained what I wanted. The receptionist called back later in the day after she'd spoken to Dr D and said Dr D can do a hysterograph next Thursday.

So then I was really confused. Was I supposed to be getting the obstetrician to sort this out, or Dr D? The receptionist said Dr D would call at the end of the day, which unfortunately she hasn't.

So I am left wondering what is going on? My greatest fear is that this 'something' was there in the last cycle, and it might have caused it to fail. In fact they did see a fibroid but came to the conclusion that it wasn't interferring with the endometrium so we should go ahead.

I also can't work out if this cancelled cycle has happened because I'm nervous about this and they want to reassure me with more tests. It will be good to find out what is really going on in there. If it turns out the uterus is fine and the fibroid or whatever it is doesn't interfere with the endometrium, then we can go ahead with confidence.

But if it turns out that there is something in the wrong place, I can't help but wonder if it caused the last cycle to fail. We will never know.

And now my confidence in the clinic is well and truly shaken. I really think the move to get nurses doing the ultrasounds for the IVF cycles is a big mistake. I think they don't have the experience to know if they are not spotting something that they should. I am thinking of requesting that all my future scans are done in the ultrasound clinic, just to be sure that there are no more issues. I'm not sure how that's going to go down with them.

Its really a blow to be delayed yet again. It all seems to be just as difficult this time around. Here was I thinking that we would just do three frozen cycles in a row and would know where we stood but its just problem after problem. And in the back of my mind is that all this trouble is for nothing - that the embryos aren't going to grow into a baby no matter what we do.

Anyway, at least work is busy and keeping me from thinking too much about all this. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some resolution to the plan to get this sorted out and back on track. LH called from Berlin tonight and reminded me that there's no rush but in my mind, the possibility of doing another stimulated cycle is really slipping out of our reach now.

Day 12 frozen cycle #4 - a bit of a mess

2010-09-28T15:39:00.002+10:00

Today I had my first blood test and ultrasound for this cycle. The ultrasound was tricky to say the least. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the IVF clinic are now using the nurses to do the ultrasounds instead of us going up to the ultrasound clinic.

The nurse really struggled to get a handle on where my endometrium was. She called in the ultrasonographer trainer but they both really had a hard time focussing on it. The problem seems to be this fibroid that has appeared. It was spotted on the last cycle too but Dr D decided it was ok and not a concern for the transfer.

But today they really had a hard time measuring the endometrium without mistaking it for the fibroid. This seems like a real worry to me. If they can't measure the lining because the fibroid keeps getting in the way, then how can we be sure it won't affect the transfer and implantation? I also think that in my first cancelled frozen cycle, when the nurse measured my endometrium at 22mm, she was actually measuring the fibroid, which is even more concerning. My absolute faith in the competence and skill of the clinic has been shaken a bit by all this.

Anyway, they finally determined that my lining was 6.5mm on average of several measurements. This is really borderline - it needs to be 6mm. So by the time I got out of there, LH was well overdue to start his 7.30am teleconference so it was all a bit of a muck-up.

They took ages to call today as well. I didn't get the call until about 1.30pm and then the nurse said Dr D was happy with the results of my hysterography in March, so it was all fine. I said I didn't think I'd had a hysterography in March, so the nurse decided to call Dr D back to double check. Then I started thinking, maybe I did have one before the D&C in February. In any case, no-one spotted any fibroid at that stage.

Finally, the nurse called back again and said Dr D had decided I should have another ultrasound tomorrow at the ultrasound clinic (ie. not with the nurses), where a doctor would write the report, just to be sure.

The only problem is that LH has gone to Berlin on a business trip today so I haven't got anyone to look after Zoe while I have the scan done. Plus I have to go to work tomorrow. Fortunately, the nurse said I can go to the ultrasound clinic on the North Shore, near work, instead of the one in the city that I normally go to.

So my plan is to get up really early, get Zoe up and fed and leave the house around 7am. I'll then drop Zoe at childcare, then get the train up to the clinic, have the scan done, then get the train back to work. Hopefully it will all work out.

Before today, I was already feeling pretty down about this cycle. The realisation is starting to settle that we are just not going to be successful this time around. And now the events of today have made me feel even less hopeful. I really hope we are not wasting embryos on a uterus that's got problems.

As I posted previously, it does feel like we are going through the motions now to tick off all our options before we finally acknowledge that there won' be any more children. I hope that I'm wrong but all my positivity has evaporated this cycle and I just need to mentally prepare for more negative pregnancy tests.

We do have our gorgeous girl though and for that I am eternally and daily grateful. If our family is just the three of us, it will be fine. It just takes a little getting used to though.

Day 5, frozen cycle #4

2010-09-21T18:32:00.002+10:00

Well things are ticking along ok for the fourth frostie cycle. I am mainly trying not to think about it. Every time it pops into my head, I just push it out and think about something else. I know all my mental energy will go on the two week wait so I feel like I need to preserve some of it for then.

Today I was cleaning up Zoe's car capsule, which has been mouldering away in the shed (literally!) since we moved. I was wondering if it will ever hold another of our own babies. I set the straps on the smallest baby setting after washing all the bits, thinking that even if we don't use it, hopefully someone else will.

I'm feeling like its going to be a long haul getting through these next two cycles (assuming there are two). I still also feel a bit like we are going through the motions and it will all be for naught. And some of the inconveniences that haven't bothered me until now seem more of a hassle. Like the thought of potentially another four weeks of progesterone pessaries. I've taken them uncomplainingly so far but its a hassle if its all for nothing. And I'll more than likely have to take a day off work this time for the transfer, which isn't great since I only work two days a week.

Anyway, I know this is all just pointless and self-indulgent whingeing and if we do get pregnant, all of it won't matter. But I can't help but feel we'll run out of luck this time.

Frozen cycle #4 - here we go again

2010-09-17T18:27:00.002+10:00

Today my period came and so we are off and running in our fourth frozen cycle. We've got two frosties left so its getting close to being all over.

I'm feeling ok about things at the moment. We will just work our way through the next two cycles (assuming we get two more - hopefully both embryos will thaw ok) and then decide what to do if they are negative.

I'm coping pretty well with the cycles, its just the two week wait for the pregnancy test that never gets any easier. I certainly didn't dwell too much on it for the first week but by the time I got near the end I was ready for it to be over. One day at a time I guess.

And this week I finally went back to work. So now I'm officially a 'working mother'. Everything went fine and it was nice to be back. I'm only working Wednesdays and Thursdays so its pretty easy.

I'm glad we had three weeks for Zoe to settle into childcare because it is going so well and I wasn't worried at all about her when I was at work.

Moving on

2010-09-14T13:27:00.002+10:00

I'm feeling ok about the failure of our first frozen cycle, second time around. It has made me realise that we don't have a very good chance of having another baby. I always knew this but the failure of this cycle has brought it home to me.

LH reckons we've got a 50/50 chance of getting a baby from our remaining embryos. Ever the analytical one, he worked this out from the fact that we got one baby from 6 embryos and therefore we have a 50% chance of getting another baby from 3 embryos.

I did momentarily think last night about putting back the remaining two embryos at the same time next cycle but it would just be rushing things needlessly. I'm really not sure if we will do another stimulated cycle if all three of our embryos don't take. I may be tempted to do just one more and then draw a line under IVF by the end of this year. We'll see how we feel if all three cycles fail.

And life goes on with Zoe. I took her to the doctor this morning because she's come out in a rash around her mouth. It looks awful - little red pustules and I was worried it might be infectious. Turns out it is folliculitis, which is an infection of the skin.

The doctor said it's caused by the amount of dribbling she's been doing. Her chest is also red. Lately she's just been completely soaking herself in dribble, which makes me think a tooth is imminent. I think I can just see a tiny corner of one on the bottom row, so hopefully it will come through soon.

The doctor has prescribed antibiotics to clear it up and also paw paw cream as a barrier to stop the wetness. She wasn't too keen on the antibiotics. I had to squirt 5ml into her mouth and she spat some of it out. She's going to be having it three times a day for the next six days, so I hope she gets used to it.

I'm also glad that what she's got isn't infectious because I was worried she might not be able to go to childcare tomorrow, my first day back at work. Missing my first day at work would not have been a great start to my working mother career. Anyway, hopefully she'll crack this tooth soon and will feel better for it.

Strike one - not this time..

2010-09-13T10:11:00.003+10:00

I just got the result of our pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. So E5 unfortunately didn't have what it takes to become a baby.

I'm in a pretty good frame of mind about this. As I've said before, second time around is infinitely easier than when we were going through this the first time. I'd pretty much convinced myself this morning that it was negative, so the result didn't hit me too hard. Of course a tiny part of me was hoping I was wrong but here we are.

The good news is, we are launching straight into the next frozen cycle without a break. This is great and I won't feel frustrated about waiting a month to get going. The nurse said my period should arrive in about 3 days and then we can start. She's going to express post the prescriptions and consents so we will have what we need to get started immediately.

But we are now one step closer to possibly acknowledging that we are going to be just three. But how lovely that there are three of us - life with Zoe is just so wonderful and I still consider myself incredibly lucky that we are one of the lucky ones to have had IVF work for us.

Onward and upward...

Day 30, 10 days post-transfer - 1 day to go

2010-09-12T16:36:00.002+10:00

Tomorrow we will know if this cycle has worked or not. I'm feeling happy that the 11 day wait is almost over but I'm also anxious to just get it over and done with.

Physically I feel fine. No pregnancy symptoms to speak of, but that doesn't worry me. And no spotting or bleeding whatsoever. This is the first time we've had an IVF cycle where I haven't spotted and also the first one where we've actually made it to the 11 day test day. Every other time, the test has been done early because I was spotting and thought it was all over.

So this will be the first time that we are going into the test genuinely not knowing what the result will be. Of course last time, we thought it was negative for sure and it turned out it was positive. But this time, it really could go either way.

And I have managed not to do a home pregnancy test. In truth I'm too scared to do it. I worry that it might be a false negative and I'll feel sad for no reason. That's my main reason for not doing one.

I'm also thinking that if the phone call tomorrow comes from Dr D, then its positive and if it comes from the nurses, its negative. But actually that might not be how it works. Maybe Dr D only calls patients with results when she has time.

So roll on tomorrow morning so I can just get it over with. At least they seem to call through the results faster these days. It used to be around 1-2pm but now they usually call around 10.30am or a bit later, so I will be put out of my misery quickly.

Day 26, 6D post-transfer - half way there

2010-09-08T14:44:00.004+10:00

We are now 5.5 days through this 11 day wait for our pregnancy test and I'm starting to feel time dragging.

This morning I thought I could feel a 'period pimple' coming up on my chin but I'm trying to ignore it - its just too crazy to thing about something so insignificant.

In our first three IVF cycles, I started to spot around Day 6 or 7 after the transfer and so we never made it to the 11 day test - it was always earlier. Of course in the last cycle, it turned out to be a BFP so I'm not too worried even if I do have spotting.

But I don't think I will get the dreaded spotting this time. I think the pregnancy has caused what I think was endometriosis to 'dry up' and so now my periods start properly as they should with normal bleeding.

Anyway, I wish it was next Monday so we could find out the result and move on accordingly. I'm primed for a negative and feeling optimistic about starting another cycle straight away if that's the case. A positive would of course be brilliant but then we have another 3 week wait until the 7 week ultrasound.

I'm trying to remember what my counsellor from last year advised about the TWW - we don't know what the result will be and so we just shouldn't think about it either way. Easier said than done but I'm in a much better space this time around. I find myself going whole mornings or afternoons without thinking that I might have a baby growing inside me. That would have been inconceivable last time around.

Pregnant until proven otherwise...again

2010-09-02T12:36:00.003+10:00

This morning we had our embryo transfer for this cycle and it went extremely smoothly.

I took Zoe to childcare and then got the train back into the city to go for my pre-transfer acupuncture. It was really relaxing and by the time I got to the clinic, I was feeling very calm.

The transfer itself went really well. The scientist told us our embryo had been thawed last night and had grown well overnight so we were good to go. I managed to get my bladder fairly full without being in agony to pee for ages this time, so I am getting better at it :-)

When we saw the embryo - E5, on the screen, the scientist pointed out that it was in the process of hatching. One side had burst open and she also showed us the inner bit that forms the foetus.

The transfer itself was really straightforward. I'm not sure if it was because I was so relaxed but I didn't feel any cramping at all, and only a slight sting as the catheter went in. Dr D said my lining was nice and thick so it all looked good.

Then it was back for another acupuncture session and now I'm back home and planning to spend the afternoon lying on the sofa watching DVDs.

I feel really optimistic about this cycle, although I need to remind myself that 5 other embryos we have transferred so far have not gone on to become babies. But it all looks good, so I'm just going to enjoy feeling positive.

And this time around, I won't be analysing every tiny twinge as a possible pregnancy symptom because I now really do know that its just too early to experience any. And finally, I won't be worrying that there's something wrong with me and that I can't grow a baby. I know I can, and now its all up to the embryo to do its stuff.

Frozen cycle on track

2010-08-30T13:04:00.002+10:00

I realised that I haven't blogged on the latest with this frozen cycle. I had another ultrasound last Wednesday to check how the lining was looking. I had thought I also needed a blood test but the nurse said all was fine on that front, so just a scan was needed.

My lining thickness had gone up to 10mm, which is more than 7 and therefore fine. There was no sign of the fibroid and the space at the top of the lining where the embryo will be transferred looked good.

I am now on 20 mg oestrogen tablets a day, as well as two lots of 100 mg progesterone pessaries in the morning and evening.

I was also given my transfer day, which is this Thursday but no time as yet. It's just such great timing because Zoe will be in childcare that morning, which means we don't have to worry about what to do with her. It also means I can come home and relax and put my feet up after the transfer. This is what I did last time and who knows whether it makes any difference or not?

I am also planning to have before and after transfer acupuncture sessions as I did last time. I also don't know if they made a difference but there are studies to show that it can help with implantation and getting a positive pregnancy test. I haven't been for any more acupuncture lately, mainly because we've been away but also because I got a bit fed up with the acupuncturist.

When he was talking about how it fits in with western medicine and when he said he thought that chemotherapy wasn't much use to cancer patients and hindered rather than helped them, he lost me. Anyway, no harm done and the sessions on Thursday should help me to relax, which is all I want from them.

It's just so much different this time around with the transfer. The big thing that is different is that I know my uterus actually works. It has grown a baby before and I know it can do it again. Its all up to the embryo now. Before we had Zoe, I would always wonder if we kept getting negatives in our IVF cycles because there was something wrong with me but now I know that's not the case. Its just one less thing to worry about.

Travelling with baby

2010-08-26T20:23:00.004+10:00

I promised to update on our trip to the UK. Its taken a while because I've been crazy busy with work since we got back.

Anyway, I've been putting the Zoe travel checklist I made last year to good use. It really helps to make sure we don't forget anything. I know it is just so totally dorky but it really works :-)

Our first flight left Sydney for Singapore at 3.15pm so Zoe was ready for a sleep by the time we took off, since she'd missed her post-lunch sleep. In fact she actually fell asleep in my arms before we took off. The ear equalising doesn't seem to be a problem for her, because she kept sleeping and seemed totally unconcerned about it.

The bassinets they have on Singapore airlines are quite good and she did fit into it - just! But she just wasn't really interested in sleeping in it for the first flight. Every time we tried to put her in, she just cried and squirmed around. All was going well until about 6 hours in when, as she was sleeping in my arms, she suddenly woke up and projectile vomited everywhere! Luckily I had a blanket over me so not much of it ended up on me.

It wasn't just her old regurgitation trick - this was a real vomit. She chucked up a few more times, which was just bile. She didn't seem remotely concerned about it though but we were still a bit worried.

When we got to Singapore, she excelled herself by managing to stay asleep in my arms as I got off the plane and walked around the terminal. We decided to take her to the doctor in the airport because we were worried about dehydration. He said it looked like she had travel sickness and so he gave her a suppository to stop the vomiting. It was Motilium - my old friend from the early days of breastfeeding. I'd forgotten it was an anti-nausea agent.

He told us to give her fruit juice, not milk, to help with hydration. She was still completely fine - having a grand old time crawling around the terminal. On the next flight, she wasn't sick again and seemed pretty keen on the apple juice we were giving her in the bottle.

I kept thinking everyone was looking at me and thinking 'BAD MOTHER' for giving her juice but it was the right thing to do. We got to England with no further mishaps and she slept quite a bit but was very tired when we got there. She even managed to fall asleep in the Baby Bjorn while we were getting the hire car organised. She hasn't done that since she was a wee girl.

We had a really wonderful time with the family. Zoe's great grandmother, who is 92, was absolutely besotted with her, as were her cousins (aged 10, 8, 6 and 4). She even had an audience when we changed her pants. They all seemed fascinated with her poo!

We managed to navigate our way around the countryside and London with no problems at all. Zoe took all the new venues in her stride and got over the jetlag pretty quickly. She woke a few times in the night for the first couple of nights, and it took about 5 days before she stopped waking at 5am instead of 7am but then she was back onto normal routine.

Coming home, the only bad incident we had was waiting to get on the plane at Heathrow at 10pm at night. She was really tired and ready to sleep but we just had to wait. She was crying and wouldn't stop until I put her in the Baby Bjorn and went for a walk around the terminal, when she calmed down until we got on the plane. Then she slept for 8 hours on the way to Singapore - what a legend!

Once again, she wouldn't sleep in the bassinet on the second leg, I think because she wasn't as tired and her body clock wasn't telling her it was night time. But she did sleep quite a bit in my arms, which was fine except that it meant I couldn't get any sleep myself.

Zoe's jetlag has been much worse coming back this way. For the first three nights, she woke up at 9, 10 and 11pm and cried quite a lot. We gave her a bottle a couple of times, which did settle her down but I was a bit wary of starting that as a new habit.

On night 4, she sleep right through from 7-8am but then again last night she woke twice at 10pm and again at 12am. She settled down again though, and then slept through to 8.30am when I woke her!

It was tempting to let her sleep but I fear if we don't get her back onto her normal routine, life will be difficult. I think she's almost back on track and certainly she is eating really well again too. Her eating was pretty random while we were away, I think because of the gastro bug she caught and then a minor cold.

So my advice for travelling is to time the flights if possible. I think she slept best when we got on a night flight but not so well during the day. Having all the lights on during the flight didn't help at all either. But the downside of that strategy is that if its past bedtime there will be tears while waiting to get on the plane, so every tactic has a downside I guess.

Now its time to get ready for my return to work on September 15, so we are getting her used to childcare (will update in next post).

So that's how a medicated frozen cycle works...

2010-08-23T13:16:00.002+10:00

Well, here I am back from our two weeks in England visiting the family, and on Day 10 of our second attempt at a frozen cycle this year. I'll post on the holiday tomorrow, but needless to say, we had a fantastic time.

This cycle I was taking Provera tablets to bring on a bleed after the last frozen cycle was cancelled after failing to ovulate. So it was all going well until I got to Day 8 of the Provera tablets, when I started to get slight spotting that would signal the start of my period. I called the nurses to talk about it and they advised to keep going with the Provera tablets a day or two longer than the 10 days prescribed to make sure I was back for the Day 10 scan and bloods.

So I ended up taking Provera for 11 days total but by then my period was well and truly in full flow. I was thinking Provera would delay the start of the cycle but in fact that wasn't what happened at all. So exactly 10 days ago, I called the nurses and was instructed to start my oestrogen tablets. That meant I was back in time this morning for my first scan and bloods.

I was under the mistaken impression that we were mimicking a normal cycle by inducing me to ovulate and then doing the transfer 5 days later. But it turns out that what actually happens is that the ethyl estrodiol actually completely suppresses the ovaries so that no follicles develop, but the lining of the uterus does develop. Then we go in with progesterone to thicken it and prepare for the transfer.

So this morning what they were looking for was no activity (ie. no follicles) in the ovary and a nice lining developing. In fact, they found something that was initially pretty worrying - a fibroid. The nurse called in a sonographer for a second opinion (I've learned to dread it when they go off to get someone else when I have a scan!) and they said I had a fibroid growing. They were pretty unwilling to comment on what it meant and I asked did it mean this cycle would be cancelled? They said not necessarily and that it depends on whether the fibroid is interfering with the endometrial lining.

Anyway, when the nurse called with my results, she said Dr D had not commented on it being an issue so all is well. I've since googled on fibroids and it seems they are fine as long as they don't protrude into the endometrium and interfere with implantation, so we are still on track.

But the lining is thickening slowly, and they want to see it at least 7mm (it was 5mm today). So I am going for another scan and bloods on Wednesday. I should then find out when the transfer will be. My oestrogen levels today were 0 and progesterone low (can't remember what).

So we are progressing along fine. I am trying not to think about the fact that our first successful IVF cycle was a natural one and that this one isn't. There's no reason to expect that this one won't work as well. I still believe its pre-ordained in the embryos themselves and it will work or not depending on whether they are able to become babies.

Here we go again...

2010-08-03T19:20:00.002+10:00

Today I got my prescriptions for the next frozen IVF cycle. I've got my Provera tablets and have started taking them today.

I need to take them for 10 days and then stop to bring on my period. The progesterone will stop it from coming and then the sudden withdrawal brings it on. That's the theory anyway.

I also tried to get the oestrogen pills but the pharmacy couldn't do it so I need to find a compounding pharmacy who will make them up for me. The nearest one recommended by the clinic is in the city, which is a bit inconvenient to get to. Hopefully Lovely Husband can get them for me tomorrow when he goes to work.

Its good to be on the way again, even though the official start of the cycle is still at least 10 days away. I'm hoping that my period will come soon after I stop the Provera but it may take a few days. Then we will start again with the blood tests and ultrasounds when we get back.

With all the stuff going on with IVF, I haven't posted much lately on Zoe's progress. She's just doing so well at the moment. Her appetite is back after all the head colds and I'm now giving her the equivalent of about 4 cubes of food for each meal. Her bowl is almost too small for the amount she's keen to eat! She's also crawling really well now and seems to enjoy getting around, especially following Mummy around.

She pulls herself up on her knees using low tables and things now but hasn't worked out how to get to her feet yet. I think her legs aren't really strong enough to hold her up yet because they fold pretty quickly when I pull her up to a stand. She seems a pretty happy little lady and she's just lovely to spend time with now.

I'm so looking forward to our holiday in England and for her to meet all her english relatives. I can't wait to get away from all this work either, which has been a bit stressful and not what I needed in the last few months before I go back to work proper.

Waiting for the next step

2010-08-02T14:12:00.002+10:00

Today I checked the mailbox hoping to find my prescriptions for Provera and the pill and unfortunately neither have turned up. I called the clinic and it turns out they didn't actually post them until Friday, which is really annoying because I thought they were posted on Wednesday.

Hopefully they will arrive tomorrow so I can get started on the Provera. I've decided that is the way to go now, since if I'm not starting until tomorrow at the earliest, then I may as well take them for 10 days and then get started on the oestrogen.

I'm just hoping my period doesn't show in the meantime. Its Day 27 of the cycle now but knowing I didn't ovulate, its hard to know when I might expect it.

I can also get the nurses to fax a prescription directly to the pharmacy as well, if the post slows things down. I've not thought much about IVF this past weekend, which is good. My mind is preoccupied with work and getting ready for our holiday. We leave on Friday and I can't wait to get on that plane and leave everything behind for two weeks.

Moving on

2010-07-29T13:03:00.002+10:00

I've amazed myself how quickly I've put the failed frozen cycle behind me and stopped thinking about IVF for now. I was a bit sad last night that it hadn't worked but I'm fine today and my mind is on other things.

The tricky thing now is just how to get the next cycle started. At first, the nurse said she'd send me a script for Provera, which is a synthetic progesterone designed to imitate pregnancy and then cause a bleed when it is stopped. That sounded fine but yesterday afternoon I started thinking about what would happen if my period showed up before I started taking it. This is possible because I wasn't going to start until mid next week so that we are ready for the first blood tests after we get back from holidays. I've got absolutely no idea when I would expect to have a period given I haven't ovulated but it seems with my body, anything is possible.

So I called the nurses back and discussed this with them. They said its not wise to take Provera for more than the 10 days they instructed, so the alternative is that I take the contraceptive pill for 16 days and then start the 10 days of oestrogen when my period comes.

This sounds like a much better plan and means I won't have to risk my period starting before I manage to block it with the medication. But yesterday I was still keen to get started as soon as possible so we can get the cycle done before I go back to work. That depends on when the script arrives in the mail. It didn't turn up today, so maybe tomorrow.

But today I am much more chilled out about it and really, it just doesn't matter if there's a delay before we get started. We are going to run into the usual problem of managing IVF and having a life though. We are going to Melbourne at the end of August for my sister's 40th birthday, so I'm hoping we won't be needing a blood test or ultrasound that weekend. I've decided to just wait and see what happens and change our flights if we need to.

The other thing I have no control over is how long after stopping the pill it will take for my period to arrive. When I used to take it pre-IVF, there would usually be a delay of 3-4 days so I'm trying to factor that in as well.

And another minor consideration is that I think taking the pill may be cheaper than Provera but I might be wrong about that. Also on the subject of money, the clinic called this morning to confirm the cost of the cancelled cycle. It is about $700, which is what I was expecting. The bonus though is that it is covered by Medicare. I'm really not sure why this is but I'm not arguing with it. The cancellation was for medical reasons so we are lucky it was that and not just logistics of going away on holidays.

So roll on the next cycle. Since we will be away for the first half, it come around fast. Yet again, I'm so grateful we have Zoe now and all of this stuff is just much easier to bear.

Day 21 frozen cycle #2 cancelled

2010-07-28T10:55:00.002+10:00

This morning Dr D finally decided its all over for us and cancelled the cycle. My oestrogen levels were 350 or thereabouts, so just not doing what they should.

I feel strangely relieved because things just weren't going to plan and I'm glad we are not going to waste any of our precious embryos.

So the plan is that I will take the pill (Provera) for 10 days, then have a bleed and start on daily oestrogen tablets so that I can do a medicated frozen cycle. I would have liked it to be natural as for the one that gave us Zoe, but its not to be. I guess my body just isn't back to normal yet after the pregnancy.

I need to wait a few days before getting started so that I will be back from holidays by the time the first blood test is due. It will be better going away now knowing that we are not in the middle of a cycle and wondering what the result will be. I will be back at work though by the time we start, so that's less convenient but we've got a good system going now with the visits to the clinic in the early morning and I'm sure we can cope.

Its just so much easier this time around. I felt perfectly fine when the nurse gave me the news that we've been cancelled this time. Last time, it would have really thrown me and made me sad. Just knowing that we have Zoe means it is all so much easier to deal with failures. I really feel for all those people out there who are going through this for the first time. I know only too well the emotional investment that goes into every cycle.

Day 19 frozen cycle #2 - STILL hanging in there!

2010-07-26T13:23:00.002+10:00

This morning I had yet another blood test for this cycle. It showed my oestrogen level is 408, which means it has doubled since Friday so this cycle is still in contention. I guess I didn't expect to be at this stage of the cycle and still so far away from ovulation.

I can't say I feel very positive that its going to work. I just wonder if my ovaries are just not going to co-operate this time and release an egg. But perhaps it will be fine. My next blood test is on Wednesday so we'll see if the oestrogen is still rising or if it will just drop away like it did last week.

The worrying thing is that we are now getting really close to when we leave to go to the UK. I basically have to ovulate before next Sunday if we are to get the transfer in before then. And there was I thinking that we might miss the pregnancy test before we left - how wrong was I!

I'm a little bit more relaxed about it now. The worst that can happen is the cycle is cancelled and I take the pill to regulate things and we try again in September. Maybe I rushed into things too soon but I really was confident that my cycle was ok with two around 28 days long. I also wonder if my period will just show up next week and I just won't ovulate at all.

As usual in this game, patience is a virtue. We'll know soon enough what's happening on Wednesday.

Day 16 frozen cycle #2 - hanging in there

2010-07-23T12:58:00.002+10:00

After my weird blood results on Wednesday, Dr D said she couldn't really explain it but that ovaries sometimes 'misbehave'. She said if I didn't ovulate this cycle, then we would cancel it, she would put me on the pill to induce a bleed and then we'd do a medicated frozen cycle.

This was pretty disappointing but I tried very hard to reserve judgement until this morning when I had another blood test and ultrasound.

This time my oestrogen had gone back up again to 271 with LH at 5.8. The ultrasound showed the endometrium was similar to Monday - about 21mm and there were 10 and 6 follicles on the right and left sides. The largest follicle was about 9mm so there had been some growth since Monday, but not much.

The nurse left me a message to say that Dr D has decided to ignore the low oestrogen reading on Wednesday and carry on. The small follicles mean I'm not near ovulation yet so the plan is to have another blood test on Monday (Day 19).

After all this, I'm starting to feel optimistic again after thinking it was all over for this cycle. I'm not too down - after all, its not as though we've got less embryos, or we've got a BFN, it just means a potential delay. All the same, it is a bit disappointing.

But my last frozen cycle I didn't ovulate until Day 17 so I shouldn't be surprise I guess. It was just really disconcerting to see the oestrogen level drop so suddenly. Who knows what it means?

We are now getting close to when we go on holiday, but we should still be ok for transfer but if this cycle does go ahead, we will definitely miss the pregnancy test and I'll need to pee on a stick while we are away. That wasn't part of the plan but I'm sure we can deal with it.

Day 14 frozen cycle #2 - what's going on??

2010-07-21T12:43:00.002+10:00

Today I had the third blood test of this cycle and the results seem to me to be very confusing. My oestrogen levels were 86, after being 354 on Monday. Why are they going down??? LH was 9.3, going up, and progesterone was 4.2 - not high enough to signal ovulation had happened.

So why have the oestrogen levels dropped? At first I thought it was a mistake and the nurse meant to say 860. But she assured me it was correct and Dr D knows about it. So the plan is to have another blood test and ultrasound on Friday.

I'm trying really hard not to worry about this but it just doesn't seem right. Together with the very thick endometrial lining, it just doesn't add up. Hopefully everything will be ok and I will ovulate in the next few days and the cycle won't be cancelled.

After all, I didn't ovulate until Day 17 on the frozen cycle that resulted in Zoe, so its too soon to think all is lost. It serves me right for asking what my hormone levels are. If I didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what's going on. But I've got a feeling the next two days are going to go quite slowly. Its amazing how quickly I've got sucked back into the stressing and analysing everything. I just need to relax and let nature take its course and trust that my body will do what it needs to.

As for Zoe, she's at last learned to crawl. Not very far and not very often, but she can definitely do it. Its better if she's got a bit of incentive - putting something she wants out of her reach so she has to crawl over to it. Its lovely to see her take the next big developmental leap.

It also means I have to be a lot more careful. This morning she pulled the plug for the radio out of the power point before I realised what she was up to. Much more vigilance needed from now on!

Day 12 frozen cycle #2 - slowly, slowly

2010-07-19T12:51:00.002+10:00

This morning I had my second blood test for this cycle, and first ultrasound. LH had a work phone call at 7.30am so we got in there super early. I was in the building at 6.45am. Even so, I was 6th in line in the foyer when the receptionist came down with the log sheet for us. Unfortunately I wasn't out by 7.30am so LH had to call work and say he would be late.

They have changed the system for ultrasounds at the clinic since we were there last year. Now the U/S happen in the same area as the blood tests, so no need to go upstairs. But there's no flat screen on the wall to see what's going on. The sonographer just looks at the computer beside the bed so I couldn't actually see what my ovaries and uterus looked like.

Anyway, I had 10 follicles on the right, and 6 on the left with the lead being about 8mm. Not very different to the same stage last frozen cycle, so its encouraging to know that I've still got plenty of follicles left, should we decide to go for another stimulated cycle if these frozen ones don't work.

But the worrying thing was the endometrial lining. It was 24mm - huge, compared with the 4mm last time. I think my lining never got above 9mm in all my cycles last year, so 24mm was just really thick.

I spent the morning worrying about whether it would mean the cycle is cancelled but the nurse reassured me that Dr D is happy with it. They will keep an eye on it though to check what it looks like before transfer. The nurse said its just 'nice and cushy', which I guess is a good thing.

The cycle is progressing slowly though - E2 is 354, P4 is 3.3 and LH is 5.1. The nurse said ovulation usually occurs once oestrogen goes above 1000. She estimated I was about 5 days away from ovulation. That would put it on about Day 17, which is very similar to last year before pregnancy, but not what I was expecting based on the last two cycles.

Anyway, we will see what's happening soon enough. My next blood test is on Wednesday. Hopefully things will be getting closer then.

Frostie cycle #2 - first blood test

2010-07-16T10:52:00.002+10:00

This morning I had my first blood test for this cycle. We managed the logistics pretty well. All three of us left the house at 6.45am and drove into the city. We parked and LH stayed in the car and fed Zoe while I went in for the test. I was in an out within 15 mins and then LH went off to work and Zoe and I drove back home.

It was weird going back in there again. I haven't set foot in the IVF clinic since March last year. They were amazingly efficient this morning - I got the call from the nurse at 10am with my results.

I didn't ask for hormone levels, she just said I am a way off ovulation yet (no surprise there) and so the next step is an ultrasound and blood test on Monday. It will be really interesting to see what my ovaries look like 18 months down the track. I wonder if the anthral follicle count will be much lower now I am a bit older. In any case, all we need is for me to be developing a nice endometrial lining.

So all good so far. I still feel very calm and collected about it all. I'm sure it will get harder once we get closer to transfer.

Other things to think about...

2010-07-13T18:54:00.003+10:00

...apart from this frozen cycle. Its amazing how relaxed and unobsessive I am about it. I was just looking back at my posts at this stage of the first frozen cycle and I was so negative about our chances.

What a different space I am in today! All the other things going on have crowded out thinking about this cycle. I am freelancing again, in preparation for returning to work and there's various stresses around it that I could do without. I'm also feeling that this lovely hiatus of not working for nearly a year is about to end, so I'd better enjoy it while I can.

And yet again Zoe seems to be in the throes of yet another cold. I swear they all just merge into each other. She's been coughing and sneezing a lot and has got a really runny nose. Last night she woke herself up coughing. I went in and changed her nappy and gave her a cuddle but she couldn't settle. Then LH went in and she started coughing and then projectile vomited all over him! The odds of it happening to him and not me are so low but that's what happened. I was worried she had a gastro bug but nothing more happened so I think it was just caused by the coughing fit.

I tried to give her extra water last night but of course she barely drank it. My efforts to get her to drink water so far have come to nil. Maybe she will get the hang of it when she has less milk each day.

Anyway, what with the dreary weather, Zoe's cold and the work stresses, its been a low day. Roll on August holiday in England.

Frozen cycle #2 starts for baby #2

2010-07-08T15:58:00.003+10:00

Hurrah....my period started today, so we are off and running in our second frozen cycle to hopefully conceive our second child.

I'm so pleased we can get started at last. It was beginning to look as though we would have to delay until September because we go away on August 6th and that might have been too late for the transfer in this cycle.

I had a chat with LH about whether we should go ahead if it turns out we haven't had the pregnancy test before we go on holidays. He said it was up to me and he would be fine with either decision.

I'm just too eager to get started so we've jumped in anyway. If I happen to ovulate around Day 14 of the cycle, we should be able to do the pregnancy test on the morning we leave for the UK, so that will be fine.

Otherwise, I could do the test a day or two early, or of course resort to a home pregnancy test, which is fine as long as I leave it enough days to be sure of the result.

I asked the nurse at our IVF clinic was it ok not to be around for the pregnancy test and she said it was fine. She suggested I could get a blood test in the UK if I really wanted to. I told her I thought that if the test was negative I would get my period before then anyway, but she rightly pointed out that the progesterone pessaries would prevent it from coming on so that isn't going to work.

Anyway, we'll see how things pan out. I am due for my first blood test next Friday to see how things are looking. I'm optimistic that I will ovulate around Day 14 because I've had a 27 day and now a 29 day cycle - just perfect. I can't believe that post-pregnancy I've now got a textbook cycle. No more spotting and no more long, long cycles!!

I am so happy to be on the way again and not doing a very good job of tempering my enthusiasm. Our embryos might not thaw well, or just might not be viable but its all so much easier with less emotional investment second time around.

We've got our gorgeous Zoe so if things don't work out, its not the end of the world. And talking of Zoe, she's now nearly over head cold number 3 and doing well. She's getting more proficient at backwards 'crawling', if you can call it that and can now move all around the family room.

And we visited a nice childcare centre this morning, which just might have a place for her when I go back to work, so it really has been a good day.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

2010-07-06T09:48:00.002+10:00

..for AF to begin. I feel like I've written this post before. Today is Day 28 of my cycle, and I need AF to arrive ideally tomorrow so we can start our next frozen cycle.

That will hopefully mean that I can have my pregnancy test the day in August when we go to the UK on holidays. Any later and I think we might have to wait until September to get started. We could skip the pregnancy test and do a home one, or wait and see if AF comes along. But after our dreadful new year in 2008 when we were on holiday with friends and waiting for the result of our second stimulated cycle, we don't want to be around people on holiday again if we get the bad news it has failed.

So, its a dilemma. I don't want to wait any longer and starting in September isn't great because that's when I go back to work, so lots going on.

Hopefully AF will turn up tomorrow and we can get started. Or maybe I am actually pregnant naturally this cycle. But to be honest, that seems just so unlikely I'm not even going to do a pregnancy test until at least the weekend if AF doesn't arrive.

And Zoe's first 'words' are....

2010-07-02T18:24:00.002+10:00

...mum, mum, mum (and also bub, bub, bub). It was just delightful to hear her saying Mum, but of course she doesn't have any concept of what it means. Its just a new sound that she's learned to wrap her mouth around. Still, it means she's getting better with the sounds and on her way to talking.

Its been a good week, apart from the fact that its shivery-cold. Our new house, as predicted, is freezing. We've invested in electric heaters for each room, which is working with varying degrees of success. Zoe's room is nice and warm because it's small, but the kitchen and family room are freezing. Plus the heater in there keeps tripping the fuse because it is overloaded. We've decided to get an electrician to put in a new circuit for the heater because I'm tired of having to turn it off every time I want to boil the kettle or use the microwave.

Anyway, we've managed to get out and about a bit this week. On Monday I took Zoe to a creche at a gym so I could try out their pilates class. I don't think Zoe even noticed I was gone, she was that excited about all the new toys to play with. She's really at an age now where she gets bored if we spend too much time hanging around the house.

She did manage to disgrace herself though. The carer said she had vomited and I resisted saying 'So what else is new?' but apparently she then decided to lick it up!!!! Eeewww. What a grubby little thing she is. I just couldn't help but laugh :-)

Navigating the childcare maze

2010-06-27T08:23:00.002+10:00

I've now sorted out my return to work and will go back in September, working on Wednesdays and Thursdays. So I can now go full steam ahead to try and get some childcare for Zoe.

I've decided to target childcare centres near work rather than home, which will be easier to manage from a work point of view. It means I won't need to worry about leaving early or getting there late. And I can get there quickly if Zoe is sick. If I got somewhere near home, I'd be able to get to work by 9am but I'd need to leave work well before 5pm to make it back in time to pick her up. But I do need to work out how we are going to get to childcare and work.

I could go on the train as I did before Zoe was born. That would be quicker than driving and also more convenient because I wouldn't have to worry about parking. There's no parking near work and I would need to park a 20 minute walk away from both work and the childcare centre. But I'm not sure if I can manage Zoe in the Baby Bjorn, with her bag and mine, and changing onto a second train in the journey. I think the only thing I can do is give it a try and see what happens.

The mornings seem like they will be ok. I will need to get up before Zoe and have a shower, then get her up at 7am as usual, give her a bottle, get her dressed, then give her and me breakfast, then off to the train station. With all of this, I should manage to get to work before 9am.

But for the evenings, I'm not sure how it will work. I would leave work at 5.30pm, pick up Zoe and be on the train by 5.45pm. Then we should get home about 6.30pm. Then I would give her dinner, bath and bottle and into bed. This would be ok but what worries me is that she is usually pretty grizzly and tired after 5pm and I don't know how a trip home on a crowded train would work. Maybe she would fall asleep. I just don't know until we try it. She would also be getting dinner nearly an hour later than she is used to but the childcare have said they give the kids a snack at 5pm so that would hopefully tide her over.

The other option is that I drive to work, which would allow her to sleep on the way there and back if she wanted to. But I would need to do the drop off, then drive to a park, then walk 20 mins back to work.

As for the childcare centres, I've visited two. The first one is in an industrial estate that is not as close to work as I would like. Its about a 15 min walk to the train station and to work from there. The centre itself did seem fine, if a little old and tired but the director was great. But the one big red flag is that they had no outdoor space. The regulations state that they do need outdoor space, and they have got around this by having a very large room that has all the outdoor equipment, like sandpits etc, but it is just inside, not out.

That isn't such a big issue for a little one like Zoe but still its not so good knowing that she would not get any fresh air at all for those two days a week. That centre, being less desirable in a few ways, of course is the one with vacancies on the day I want. Its also about $20 a day cheaper than the other ones I am considering. The only thing I can do is book her a place and hope that one of the better ones comes up before September. I would lose a $200 deposit if we went somewhere else but at least I won't be fretting that we don't have a place at all.

The second place we saw was much better. The building itself was much newer and fresher and the director was great. I also met the other carers, who were lovely. Zoe had a little play with the toys and was completely happy just sitting there having a play. It did have the outdoor space, separate for the bubs, which is quite important. But its $20 a day more expensive, but with the bonus of being right near the train station and work. They don't have a place yet, and Wednesday is the day that is going to be very hard to get. I just need to keep calling them and checking how things are going and hope that a place comes up. There's two more centres I am yet to see but they also are full and don't have places yet.

But all the directors have assured me that it is too soon yet to know if there will be space in September. Parents only have to give two weeks notice that they are taking their child out, so things are changing all the time. I may go to the least preferred option and then wait for a place to come up in the one I want.

The other factor that's in the back of my mind is if we manage to get pregnant and have another child. I won't be able to keep Zoe in childcare near work once I stop working, because its too far away from home. That doesn't matter but it does mean I will have to start over again with the whole process, once I go back to work a second time. But that's all still purely hypothetical and ages away so just not worth worrying about.

All of this is just such a juggling act, and I'm doing my best not to stress about it. I'm sure it will all work out somehow. I guess this is what its like to be a working mother.

Got my little girl back

2010-06-25T14:01:00.002+10:00

Zoe's now recovered from her cold and is her old self again. She's eating and drinking like she can't get enough, so the eating issues were just temporary, thankfully. She's also much happier playing by herself and less clingy.

The poor little thing must have wondered what was happening to her and not understood why she felt so awful. I bet that's not the last of the winter colds though.

Yesterday, I thought we'd had a setback on our mission to do a frozen IVF cycle in July. I had a very tiny amount of spotting and thought AF was on the way, making it only a 2 week cycle. But it appears it was nothing and hopefully we are still on track for a normal length cycle. No idea what the cause was - am just ignoring it for now.

I got my pass card to the IVF centre in the post yesterday. It made me feel quite excited to be starting again and I felt as I did when we started our first IVF cycle. I'm really trying to temper my enthusiasm with a dose of reality but its hard not to think that we may succeed in having two babies.

This afternoon I'm off to see a potential childcare centre for Zoe, so next post on what it was like.

Will this cold ever go away?

2010-06-20T09:32:00.002+10:00

Zoe's had her cold now for a week and it still hasn't gone away. She's much less snotty than she was but now its moved down into her chest so her breath is a bit rattly and she's coughing quite a bit in bed.

She's also been off her food and milk all week. On Thursday I got really worried when she drank hardly any of her 11am feed and then completely refused her 3pm feed. I was really concerned she would dehydrate with not enough fluid so I took her to the doctor.

He checked her throat and ears for bacterial infections, which were clear and basically said there's nothing I can do but wait it out until it clears up. He said it was normal for her to go off her food and milk when she's sick, just as adults do. He suggested giving her small amounts of milk more often.

So that's what we've been trying to do. It works sort of, but some days she's having almost half the amount of milk she normally would. And sometimes she throws loads of it up when she has a coughing fit.

Anyway, she's still having wet nappies, which the GP said is the most important sign of hydration, and she seems perfectly happy in herself as well. She's still playing and laughing as usual so she doesn't seem to be unwell. Its just that I am a bit panicky about her not getting enough fluids.

I can't wait for the cold to clear up so we can go back to normal eating and drinking.