In a better place today (and watch out for the internet)

I feel better today about this whole vasa previa thing.

I got myself back into my IVF cycle frame of mind that the councellor taught me. Every time negative thoughts pop into my head, I get an inner dialogue going about why I shouldn't follow that train of thought.

It must be working because I feel much better and more positive today.

I think spending the whole weekend reading terrifying stories on the internet of what could happen to me and E3 was a bad idea.

I realised that there's always been the possibility of disastrous but unlikely things happening in this pregnancy, just as there is in all pregnancies. I haven't worried about them before, so why start now? Those rate and scary events are a fact for all pregnancies but like most things, its not worth worrying about them.

I realised that there's absolutely no reason (that I know of yet), why I would go into premature labour before we have a scheduled caesarian to get E3 out. What scared me was reading the vasa previa stories about women who knew they had it and went into labour before the caesarian could be done.

I realised when I was reading a story about a woman with vasa previa who had been put in hospital, had bleeding at various stages, and then escaped from the hospital without telling the staff because she wanted to go home and see her child, along with other fairly unstable behaviour, that perhaps not all of these people are reliable sources of information.

I also know that some people have a tendency to hang all of their experiences on a 'diagnosis', even when it might have nothing to do with the other things that happen to them. I started to wonder if the women who went into very pre-term labour perhaps were leaving out some fundamental details that meant it wasn't actually related to the vasa previa.

So, no more reading horror stories on the internet for me.

I've got an appointment with the obs booked for Wednesday morning and we can discuss everything, from a reputable medical point of view, with him.

I suppose my overriding feeling today is one of sadness that things aren't going to turn out the way I thought they were. I had been imagining waiting for E3 to arrive, going into labour, and how I would cope with all that.

I've had a very open approach to how I wanted it all to go. That is, natural birth but no strong feelings either way about taking drugs for pain relief and a realisation that if a caesarian was necessary, then that's would be fine.

But in actual fact, I think I was subconsciously quite attached to the idea of a natural birth without realising it because now I feel that I've lost something.

It doesn't matter of course. Women have caesarians all the time and that's fine. I have a personal hatred for the natural birth maffia who look down their noses at those women who don't do it naturally and now I will be one of the 'caesar' camp, I hope I don't encounter any of them because for sure they will get a lecture from me as soon as they dare even sneer in my direction.

I've got a friend (childless) who has always been very scornful that another friend had her babies by planned caesarian. I've told her many times that there are lots of medical reasons why that might have been, but she prefers to be judgemental. Perhaps she will have a change of tune now that she knows my story.

So E3 will probably be an October baby, rather than a November one - does it really matter? Better to just have one birthday per month for out little family anyway :-)

I will probably finish work a lot sooner than I thought - really can't shed any tears over that one!

I'll have a caesar instead of a vaginal birth - at least I don't have to worry about tearing down there and other associated scariness. I think lots of women think this but are too scared to admit it lest the abovementioned natural birth maffia rain down their wrath on them.

E3 will come out a little undercooked - if I am putting my feet up for weeks on end before he's born, he should get a good chance to grow to a good old size before he comes out and I'm sure they won't take him out until he's ready to cope with the world.

So, looking back at yesterday's blog, today is a better day, and tomorrow will be better too.