The end of the yellow brick IVF road - farewell

Its been two months now since our last IVF cycle failed and we haven't changed our minds about stopping IVF. I think our decision is the right one and I haven't had any second thoughts. So now its time to say farewell to this blog.

I'm trying to move on from our TTC journey and so stopping writing this blog is part of that. I started it nearly three years ago and in that time, we've been through 3 stimulated cycles, 3 frozen cycles, 2 cancelled cycles but most importantly one pregnancy, and one birth of our beautiful girl.

This blog has been fantastic therapy for me to make sense of this whole stressful, agonising, scary but ultimately amazing process. I'm so grateful to all the wonderful people who read the blog and cheered me on from the sidelines. I know we are truly one of the lucky ones that succeeded at IVF and I hope that some of my posts have helped others in the same position and given them hope.

As for me, I'm doing ok. I still feel sad that we can't give our lovely daughter a brother or sister and perhaps that feeling will never go away. And part of me has a small shred of hope at the end of each cycle that we might just manage to get pregnant the 'natural' way yet. But that's a very slim hope. I'm starting to move on now - planning out our life, my career and lots of other things. I'm not sure yet how this IVF stuff has affected me - perhaps I'm more tolerant, more patient and more grateful for what we do have. I certainly hope so anyway.

So its goodbye from me and thanks for reading.

Top 5 reasons why its good not doing IVF anymore

So here's my top five things that are good about coming to the end of the 'Yellow brick IVF road', not in any particular order.

1. No obsessing about AF

When doing IVF or just TCC, obsessing about AF is a way of life. Either you are waiting for it to arrive so that things can get moving and the next cycle can start, or hoping like hell it won't arrive because you are pregnant.

Either way, its a lot of brain power that goes into worrying about something that's been happening to me for nearly 30 years. Its going to be nice not to think about it anymore, although if I'm honest, that's not completely true.

I still hold out a dim hope that we might manage a natural conception so I will be awaiting the arrival of my period each month, but hopefully not with as much fear, trepidation, hope.. that I have done in the last couple of years.

2. No doctors

No doctors, no nurses, no needles, no injections, no pessaries, no tablets, no surgery, no poking and prodding...I've had it all and then some over the last three years. But I really must say that all the doctors and nurses I have dealt with on the IVF road have been absolutely wonderful. They have all been incredibly supportive and no-one ever had a bad word to say, even when I was at my most obsessive with crazy questions and worries.

My goal is to go six months without seeing a doctor at all - what a novelty. I've got my next melanoma check then so I reckon if I stay healthy I've got a good chance of achieving it.

3. No TWW

Of all the stress-inducing, heart-breaking, soul-destroying things that happen during IVF, the two week wait has got to be the worst. It is just pure torture - the only way I can describe it. You ride the roller coaster of emotions, one day feeling positive that everything is going to work out this time, to the next when you convince yourself that its hopeless and you will never become a mother.

I lived through six two week waits and I never want to go through it again. Technically, I'm in a natural two week wait now, but I really am not thinking about being pregnant or ever getting pregnant again, so its just not on my mind at all.

4. Back in control

The loss of control over your life that you hand over at the door of the IVF clinic is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. Suddenly, you can't control something as basic as when you can have sex, what days you need to see a doctor and when you can go on holidays.

Its wonderful to now be planning our life - holidays, trips overseas, a possible job offer for LH in Europe, all without having to worry about whether we need to be around for IVF cycles. Even just to be able to plan a weekend away without worrying about whether it will clash with blood tests or ultrasounds.

Maybe women who are less controlling of themselves deal with this aspect better than I did, but it feels nice to be able to decide what, when and where I'm going to do something without IVF hanging over my head.

5. More money

There's no doubt about it, IVF is a huge financial drain. Even here in Australia, where much of the cost is funded publicly, you still end up 1000's of dollars out of pocket for every cycle. Add to that all of the extra surgery I had to have, and we have spent thousands on IVF. Lucky for us, we could afford it but plenty of people can't and often the decision to stop is a financial one and I feel lucky that we could stop on our own terms, not because we ran out of money.

Well, that's my list and its very satisfying to write it. Right now I am coping pretty well with our 'loss' of conceiving baby number two. I'm not feeling too sad most of the time but I would stop short of saying I am 'happy'. That will come with time.

I'm enjoying being Zoe's mother more now I'm not preoccupied with IVF, and I'm thinking lots about my next career moves and further study.

As for this blog, its almost served its purpose now. I started it because I needed the therapy I get from pouring out my thoughts onto a page, and its given me that outlet in a wonderful way. I'm undecided about what to do with the blog. We are off on holidays to Europe in a week, so I'll decide when I get back.

Regrets

I'm starting to realise that one of the other reasons why its hard to accept there won't be another baby is because I really wanted to go through the process again and right the problems that happened with the last pregnancy and birth.

I'd hoped to be able to have a less stressful pregnancy that wasn't spent worrying about whether the baby would live, and even aim for a natural birth and not an emergency caesarian. And most importantly, I was hoping to relive the breastfeeding experience without any retained placenta and supply issues. Its as if I thought another pregnancy could just wipe away all of that trauma and angst.

That's an unrealistic expectation of course, because maybe there would have been other issues. But I don't think its uncommon for women to be hoping to have a more 'normal' pregnancy and birth the second time around if things didn't work out so straightforward the first time around.

Of course that's not the main reason we wanted to have another baby - just having a second child and a sibbling for Zoe is the main desire that we just can't fulfill. But all this has made me realise that I've got some unresolved issues around the first pregnancy and birth that I really need to work through and move on from. I guess all these last months I've pushed it aside, thinking that another pregnancy would sweep it all away, but I can't avoid it anymore.

Perhaps its a little unexpected that I'm not more relieved that we won't have to go through all that trauma again. Some people who had experienced the sheer fear that we did in that pregnancy, would be keen never to have another pregnancy again. I certainly know a few horror stories of women who never want to go back for more, and I can't really blame them. Ah well, another mental and emotional issue for me to work through over the next few months.

I'm starting to formulate my top 10 list of good things about stopping IVF and TTC. I'll post it once I've finished. I think its good therapy for me :-)

Aftermath

Its three days since we got the news that our last frozen embryo transfer didn't work. I'm in a pretty sad place right now, after the initial feelings of relief that the IVF process was over.

We are still sure that this is it and we don't want to do any more IVF. Today my period started so if we were going to do another stimulated cycle, we would have started today. I feel sad about so many things - that I won't get to go through the amazing experience of pregnancy again, or the even more experience of birth, and that wonderful early baby stage. But most of all I feel sad that Zoe will never have any siblings.

As one of six, this is something I just can't comprehend but the fact is that she won't know any other life than being an only child, so she won't think it is odd. And at least these days there are so many one child families, that she won't be alone. We just have to work hard to make her life as normal as possible so that she develops the social skills she needs to get through life. We also need to make sure that we aren't a burden to her in our old age so she doesn't have to shoulder it on her own. I kind of wish we lived nearer to our families so that she will get the benefit of that interaction and maybe that is something to think about for the future.

A part of me can't help but clutch at the extremely unlikely chance that we may still conceive a baby naturally. There seem to be so many things working against it but I can't help but hold out a very slim hope it might happen. At 43, there is a 1-2% chance I would have a baby within 12 months so it is remote. But I've got a good supply of eggs so I'm nowhere near menopause, so its possible I guess. But with one fallopian tube blocked, and LH's sperm swimming slightly slowly, that drops our chances down even more.

I also don't want to move from IVF back to 'trying' each cycle and working out when I'm ovulating. All of that has ruled my life for the last three and a half years and its time to stop. Soon I'll start focusing on all the good things about this TTC stuff being over, but I'm not there yet. I don't think it has fully sunk in yet so maybe in a few days or weeks I will start to move towards accepting its all over.

"They think its all over - it is now"

Today I got the results of the pregnancy test for this last cycle - it was negative. So I think, but am not yet prepared to state categorically, that this is the end of the IVF road for us.

My plan this morning was to get up at 6am and pee on a stick, then lovely husband would call to see what the result was. As it worked out, I woke up at 2am dying to go to the loo so I just did it then, and it was negative. I had primed myself so well for it being negative, that it didn't hit me too hard. But of course I then couldn't sleep so I only managed a few hours and then LH rang from Chicago.

I think he took it pretty hard, or so it seemed down the phone line. He always copes with IVF cycles by assuming the worst but this time I think his tactic didn't work.

So then I got Zoe up, got us both dressed and fed and off we went to the clinic. It was weird looking around thinking that this would probably be the last time I go in there. At 11.30 the call came through from the nurse to say it was negative and then Dr D rang this afternoon. She asked what did we want to do next?

I said we almost certainly will stop IVF now but I said we'd need to talk it over in the next few days and decide for sure. She asked as a matter of form, I guess, did we want to look at donor eggs. But that's never been part of our plan for baby number two although it was on the cards if we failed IVF first time around. So she has logged a treatment plan for us to do another cycle if we want, but the ball is in our court now.

So how am I feeling? Well sad obviously but I think the feeling of relief is a bit stronger actually. I'm wondering if the reality hasn't hit me yet and maybe I've got a tough few weeks and months ahead. I suspect we will never completely get over the disappointment of not being able to have more children. But as I keep reminding myself (and so does everyone else!), at least we have a beautiful daughter and some who tread this IVF road never achieve that.

I'll keep blogging for a while to work my way through this stuff but I think we are nearly at the end of the road. More in the coming days....

Day 9 post transfer - a small glimmer of hope?

Today is 9 days past embryo transfer and 14 days past ovulation and I still don't have any signs of AF.

I know this isn't a bad thing, but can I take it as a positive thing? I really don't know. I've been googling again, as it seems every woman does in the two week wait, and it seems the consensus is evenly divided as to whether progesterone pessaries keep AF away or not. In some women, they still get AF regardless of whether they are taking progesterone, and in some its delayed.

I know that in stimulated fresh IVF cycles and in medicated frozen cycles, the progesterone is absolutely necessary to keep things going because your body doesn't make progesterone itself if ovulation doesn't occur.

But I'm in a natural cycle so the progesterone pessaries are just a 'nice-to-have' rather than a 'need-to-have'. My own endogenous levels of progesterone would have fallen by now but what I don't know is whether the progesterone from the pessaries is enough to keep AF away. Oh well, who knows?

It would be nice not to obsess about this but I am only human and wondering what is going on this close to the blood test is to be expected I guess. This morning I bought a pregnancy test in preparation for Thursday morning so that I will know the answer without needing to wait for the clinic to call. I'm really not tempted to test before then because I don't want to get a negative on the home test and be really disappointed only to find that the blood test comes up positive.

I spoke to a friend last night and she said it was really disciplined of me not to test now but really I'm just trying to avoid unnecessary disappointment.

So all in all, I feel slightly more positive than negative about this cycle. I'm trying to focus on the feeling that this whole journey will be over in two days, one way or the other. And that is going to be a huge relief, even if the test comes back negative.

Day 7 post-transfer - an even keel

Today I am feeling slightly more positive about this cycle but trying not to be too positive. I haven't got this far in any cycle without having spotting, even the one that resulted in our lovely daughter. That is apart from the medicated frozen cycle I did last year but I'm thinking that because it was completely controlled by drugs that I would not have had AF until I stopped the progesterone.

Anyway, I have to get through the next two days before thinking AF is not coming and even then, I'm not entirely convince it means I'm pregnant. I'm really just not sure what to make of it. Today I've had more of the cervical mucous, which would be unusual at this stage of my cycle but again, I don't want to read too much into it.

I've got four days to go to the pregnancy test, and I think they are going to be the hardest of this two week wait. LH went off to Chicago this morning so its just me and Zoe this week. I am aiming to stay as busy as I possibly can to take my mind off this damned wait!