The beginning of the end????

I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever achieve the goal of exclusively breastfeeding Zoe with no formula.

Yesterday, I took her to the paediatrician for her 6 week check. The good news was that she'd had another great weight gain - from 3.3 kg on Friday up to 3.45 kg - 150 g in 4 days. Her head circumference had also grown, as well as her length. Unfortunately, she was doing her crying unsettled thing while I was there and the dr thought it needed to be sorted out.

He started out saying it could be reflux and he would give me a prescription for some medication to try for a few days to see if it made a difference. Then he changed his mind and said it might be hunger after feeds.

He wasn't really satisfied with her weight gain and said she needed to be more on a trajectory in line with her birth weight ie. up around the 50th percentile, and similar to her length and head circumference. He said she needs to gain at least 200 g a week, which at the moment she is achieving.

He told me to top up her comp feeds by 10 ml each feed until they reached a point where she wouldn't take any more.

Needless to say, I was pretty devastated at this assessment and felt that it really was the nail in the coffin for our breastfeeding.

But I followed his instructions and topped up the bottle to 60 ml, then 70 ml, then 80 ml, then 90 ml over successive feeds. It really made no difference to the crying after feeds so I think he's wrong about the cause of that. At 90 ml she finally lost interest in drinking it all and we've settled at 80 mls for now.

I think this extra formula is just so bad for promoting my supply. I was in tears last night, just thinking that everything I've tried to do with having this baby, my body has let me down. LH tried hard to reassure me that I was doing a good job, but I can't help but feel a failure.

I feel better today and in a more positive frame of mind. I called the Australian Breastfeeding Association helpline today to talk it through with a councellor, but basically she just trotted out all the things I've already heard. The two additional things I haven't tried yet are a 'breastfeeding holiday' and a supply line. The supply line sounds hard. Basically, its a tube that is taped to the breast so the baby takes the comp feed through sucking at the breast. But it needs a lactation consultant to instruct in its use and cleaning the lines sounds fiddly. I think it will just be an added stress on top of washing and sterilising bottles, preparing formula and expressing that I just don't need.

But the breastfeeding holiday I am planning to give a try. It basically involves staying in bed with Zoe for a day or more and just feeding and feeding and feeding every time she wants it, and with as much skin to skin contact as possible. It will also mean sleeping with her at night.

I've read that it really helps some women's supply so I am prepared to give it a try as a last resort. I am also back on the Motilium. It really helped my supply a few weeks ago, so we will see how it works this time.

I told the child health nurse after mothers group today about the visit to the paediatrician. She was less than impressed with his demand that Zoe move up percentiles. Their philosophy is that as long as the baby is moving upwards on a percentile, which one it is doesn't matter so much.

I think Zoe will need to be well above average weight gain for many weeks in a row to have a chance of moving up the percentiles and I don't know if we can achieve that.

If by some miraculous feat, my milk dramatically increases, perhaps we will manage it. Anyway, I've decided to try my hardest to stop stressing about it. I've tried almost everything that has been suggested to me to try and fix things, and that's all I can really do.

Zoe seems to me to be a happy contented little girl, which in my opinion is no mean feat at 6 weeks of age. But we will keep trying....