An answer and more questions

Today I went for my Hysterosalpingo-Contrast-Sonography (aka HyCoSy). This is where they squirt saline into my uterus and then infuse my tubes with a blue die to see if they are open.

I've already had the saline part before and I found it incredibly painful and I felt very faint and unwell. It was the same today. I had taken two Panadeines before I went in but it was still incredibly painful and I still nearly fainted.

Anyway, the upshot was that my left tube is open but my right tube is blocked. At last I have at least a partial explanation for my infertility, other than my age. I feel a bit sad to know that one tube is blocked but there's nothing I can do about it. I feel a bit sad that I might have had an infection at some point that caused it, but what could I have done if I didn't know it was there?

It also means that our chances of conceiving naturally, which are already incredibly low, are now even lower. This was the reason we had the test done in the first place. It means that we will persevere with IVF because we have little chance of conceiving naturally. Although it is disappointing, it is good to get at least some sense of what has been preventing us from getting pregnant.

The other issue was that the sonographer tried to inflate my uterus with saline to have a look at it, but it just wouldn't work. He had two go's at it with no luck. He asked if I'd had a curretage recently because that sometimes causes it. He couldn't give me any idea of what the problem was so I am completely in the dark about what this means.

I will have to wait until I talk to Dr D about it and see what she thinks. The weird thing is that this test was done back in July last year and it worked fine and they showed that there were no issues with my uterus. The sonographer said maybe this has something to do with the embryos failing to implant but I am at a loss to work out what it means.

When I was sitting in the waiting room today, there were two women there with their husbands, having their first trimester ultrasounds. They just looked so happy as they came out with the photographs of their little babies.

I sat there and thought 'This will never me me'. I know that's not necessarily right but I was just overcome with self pity and weariness with it all. Between the IVF and my leg surgery, I am just over hospitals and doctors. Every day I get a new medical bill in the post and I've had so much time out of the office that it seems people must surely be suspicious.

Today one of my colleagues announced that she is pregnant. I was surprisingly ok with it and genuinely happy for her. She got married about the same time we did last year so they have managed to get pregnant very quickly. Of course, she is younger than me so it isn't surprising. I was proud of myself for coping with the news pretty well but not sure how I will go if there is lots of pregnancy talk over the next few months.

I'm at a pretty low ebb right now. I'm sure I will bounce back - I always do. We've got the frozen cycle in February to look forward to. I talked to the nurse about it today and it really does sound very simple. I just let them know the first day of my period and then about 10-11 days later I go in for an u/s and bloods and they monitor me from there on for ovulation.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. We've got a long hard road to follow this year, so I'd better get used to it.