Getting real

I've just been reading my older blogs and its great to realise that I've made some progress emotionally over the last week. I am still down about our second IVF fresh transfer failure but I am at least spending some of the day thinking of other things and small glimmers of positivity are starting to push their way through the gloom.

LH and I have really had to re-evaulate our goals with the IVF treatment. As my councellor says 'IVF is a process not just a cycle or two'. I guess I went into it thinking that we would succeed pretty quickly because I've got lots of eggs etc but we are now in a more realistic place.

I am now thinking that our aim is to get a positive beta before the end of 2009. That's a big shift in expectations. We are doing a frostie cycle in February and then straight into another fresh cycle in March and then alternating fresh cycles and month off for the rest of the year. The aim is to get in as many freshies as we can before I turn 42. We should get another 4-5 cycles done if we don't get pregnant in the meantime.

That means we will have done a total of 5-7 IVF cycles. We will then go back and transfer any frozen embryos two by two because we don't have any less chance of success with the frosties as I get older (within reason of course). The critical thing is to make the embryos before I get any older.

We've done the finances and worked out that we can afford it. The question is whether we can emotionally cope with that many cycles and the fallout of successive BFN's. I hope that with much reduced expectations of achieving a BFP soon that it will take the pressure off each individual cycle. So my thoughts will always be on the next cycle, rather than thinking 'This is it' each time. At least, that's the theory. We'll see how well it works.

If we get to the end of 2009 and no pregnancy, then we start to look at donor eggs. We haven't investigated this yet so we really don't know where to start. It's not legal to pay egg donors in Australia so it relies on women who do it for alturistic reasons. They can be relatives/friends or someone else who is prepared to donate to a stranger.

And we are also planning a long (3-4 weeks) holiday at the end of the year. There's nothing like travel planning to give me something to look forward to. We will go to the UK to see Lovely Husband's family for christmas and possibly spend a few weeks somewhere in Asia on the way. If I am pregnant, we will still go but less of the backpacking and more of the lying on the beach in a resort type of holiday :-) And of course if we actually have a baby by then, we will still go as long as it is old enough to travel, but only to England to see the family.

It just seems so weird to think of us having a baby. After almost taking it for granted for so long (choosing names etc), now it seems like such a remote idea that I can't believe it might one day be real.

We have also been thinking about how our life will look with no children. I am now actually able to do this without crying (in fact I just realised that this is the first day I haven't cried at all since the BFN - I am making progress!!). There are all sorts of things we could do if we had no children. It means that the standard goals like 9-5 job, house, and quiet life in the 'burbs doesn't have to be ours if we don't want it.

We've spent a good part of this weekend looking for a new place to live. We think we've found it and are keeping our fingers crossed that we will be able to rent it. It's a large new terrace a couple of streets away from here, with 3 BRs and lots of space. It is a relief to think we might have solved that problem. Hopefully we can get the move sorted out before I get into the next cycle.

As ever, I am not ready to give up on my body for this cycle either. With my one good tube, it is remotely possible that my left ovary will decide to release a really nice looking egg that will be nicely fertilised and will implant into my uterus and turn into a baby. There's always hope, and its nice to have our sex life back after the abstinence of the last cycle.