Regrets

I'm starting to realise that one of the other reasons why its hard to accept there won't be another baby is because I really wanted to go through the process again and right the problems that happened with the last pregnancy and birth.

I'd hoped to be able to have a less stressful pregnancy that wasn't spent worrying about whether the baby would live, and even aim for a natural birth and not an emergency caesarian. And most importantly, I was hoping to relive the breastfeeding experience without any retained placenta and supply issues. Its as if I thought another pregnancy could just wipe away all of that trauma and angst.

That's an unrealistic expectation of course, because maybe there would have been other issues. But I don't think its uncommon for women to be hoping to have a more 'normal' pregnancy and birth the second time around if things didn't work out so straightforward the first time around.

Of course that's not the main reason we wanted to have another baby - just having a second child and a sibbling for Zoe is the main desire that we just can't fulfill. But all this has made me realise that I've got some unresolved issues around the first pregnancy and birth that I really need to work through and move on from. I guess all these last months I've pushed it aside, thinking that another pregnancy would sweep it all away, but I can't avoid it anymore.

Perhaps its a little unexpected that I'm not more relieved that we won't have to go through all that trauma again. Some people who had experienced the sheer fear that we did in that pregnancy, would be keen never to have another pregnancy again. I certainly know a few horror stories of women who never want to go back for more, and I can't really blame them. Ah well, another mental and emotional issue for me to work through over the next few months.

I'm starting to formulate my top 10 list of good things about stopping IVF and TTC. I'll post it once I've finished. I think its good therapy for me :-)