Aftermath

Its three days since we got the news that our last frozen embryo transfer didn't work. I'm in a pretty sad place right now, after the initial feelings of relief that the IVF process was over.

We are still sure that this is it and we don't want to do any more IVF. Today my period started so if we were going to do another stimulated cycle, we would have started today. I feel sad about so many things - that I won't get to go through the amazing experience of pregnancy again, or the even more experience of birth, and that wonderful early baby stage. But most of all I feel sad that Zoe will never have any siblings.

As one of six, this is something I just can't comprehend but the fact is that she won't know any other life than being an only child, so she won't think it is odd. And at least these days there are so many one child families, that she won't be alone. We just have to work hard to make her life as normal as possible so that she develops the social skills she needs to get through life. We also need to make sure that we aren't a burden to her in our old age so she doesn't have to shoulder it on her own. I kind of wish we lived nearer to our families so that she will get the benefit of that interaction and maybe that is something to think about for the future.

A part of me can't help but clutch at the extremely unlikely chance that we may still conceive a baby naturally. There seem to be so many things working against it but I can't help but hold out a very slim hope it might happen. At 43, there is a 1-2% chance I would have a baby within 12 months so it is remote. But I've got a good supply of eggs so I'm nowhere near menopause, so its possible I guess. But with one fallopian tube blocked, and LH's sperm swimming slightly slowly, that drops our chances down even more.

I also don't want to move from IVF back to 'trying' each cycle and working out when I'm ovulating. All of that has ruled my life for the last three and a half years and its time to stop. Soon I'll start focusing on all the good things about this TTC stuff being over, but I'm not there yet. I don't think it has fully sunk in yet so maybe in a few days or weeks I will start to move towards accepting its all over.