Day 28 - hope starts to fade

Its Day 28, 14 days post 5-day transfer and I've hit rock bottom. For the last two days, I've had really light spotting - hardly noticable and not fresh but there nonetheless. I woke up at 5am this morning worrying that this cycle is over for me. My temperature had dropped to 36.6 deg C after being up around 37 on the weekend so that added to my fears.

I got up and had a shower and just started to cry. I got back into bed with lovely husband and just sobbed and sobbed. Every time over the last 12 months when I have spotting around now I convince myself that it's implantation or nothing to worry about, and every time it means my period isn't far away. I just can't keep convincing myself that this cycle is ok when I've got spotting.

I am also having quite a few light cramps but that doesn't overly bother me. It is normal even if pregnant and I wouldn't usually have cramps before my period anyway.

Of course, I've been obsessively googling and yes, lots of women do have spotting at this stage and go on to have a BFP. I also called the nurse this morning and told her. She said it could mean that I am about to get my period but it is also about the time that Crinone often causes spotting. But she really didn't want to get my hopes up on that one.

I am going in for my blood test tomorrow - one day early, which is such a relief. Even cutting the TWW short by a day is a blessing. She said the test will tell me if the hCG is negative but if positive it might be hard to tell if definitely positive, if you get what I mean.

I don't care - I just want to get the test over and done with and move on. I will be upset to get a negative but I know I will bounce back soon enough and start to look ahead to the next cycle. But this waiting and not knowing and having signs that tell me its all over is just too much to bear. The nurse also told me that I can't go straight into a frozen cycle as I thought I would be able to. I have to wait a month to give my body a rest. This was a blow as well but perhaps it is for the best. I probably mentally need a break from this stuff as well.

This morning at 5am all I could think about was that we might have to get used to the idea of being childless. It is just such a crushing thought. I feel better this evening and more positive about things but its so hard to stay positive.

Tomorrow I will be in meetings around the time when the clinic will call, so I am going to see if they can call lovely husband instead. That's probably better all round since we can control when he calls me, and I can escape from work people at a time that works for me.

This IVF gig is just so damn tough. If the outcome wasn't so wonderful, none would ever put themselves through it.