The road back again

It's two days since the negative pregancy test from our first IVF cycle and I'm starting to come to terms with it. I still feel very sad and am thinking about it a lot but at least we are now starting to look to the future.

I had a chat to the doctor yesterday and today and she said we can go into a frozen cycle after we have a month's break. I asked would it be possible for us to do another fresh stimulated cycle before trying the frostie embryos and she said yes. She said she assumed that our reasons was wanting to save the frozen ones for a second pregnancy. That wasn't what we were thinking - rather that we want to do the fresh cycles before I get very much older, so we can go back to the frozen ones later (they aren't getting any older but my fresh eggs are).

She thought it was a good plan and agreed for us to start in the next cycle (late November). She also wants me to do a shorter protocol using an antagonist rather than the Lucrin for down-regulation. The main reasons are that the cycle is shorter and it seems like it might be easier to control my oestrogen levels so they don't go dangerously high again and risk OHSS.

It all sounds fine to me and we hope we are doing the right thing. It's probably a unexpected choice not to try the frozen embryos first but I really feel the clock is ticking down and we would rather spend the money on a fresh cycle while there is still a good chance of it working well.

I also asked her how long it should take before I get my period - because, typical, it still hasn't turned up - story of my life. She seemed a bit surprised and said it should start within the next day or so. If it doesn't she would like me to come in for more blood work to see what's going on with my hormones. In my more low moments, I sometimes delude myself that the pregnancy test was a false negative but I know that's not even remotely likely but just a sign of my current mental state.

Tonight I went out with a close friend and told her about the IVF. It was good to talk to her about it, but once again I've chosen a single 40-ish year old friend with no children to tell and I'm worried that I might have made her feel sad about her own childless state.

I've also booked myself in for a councelling session on Monday. I don't really know what to expect but its included in our treatment and it really can't do any harm. Not sure yet whether husband will come with me or not.

I just keep thinking to take one day at a time and not focus too much on the bigger picture - ie. waiting for the next cycle to start, and potentially a long line of IVF cycles that might not work. All in all, I'm doing ok considering the result this week and it will only get better as time goes on.