What's going on in there?

'What's going on in there? How the brain and mind develop in the first five years of life' is a brilliant book written by Lise Eliot, a neuroscientist who is also a mother.

I read it in the early weeks after Zoe was born and it is fascinating. It really gives a great insight into how babies develop. Zoe has now reached her first milestone of smiling, which according to this book is very specifically developed at 6 weeks after the due date.

Now she's mastered it, she can't get enough of smiling at us. She always smiles at me when I get her out of bed and change her nappy. The smiles are now also turning almost into laughs although she hasn't got the sound happening yet.

She is also making all the little cooing noises, which according to this book at the beginnings of speech. I have been imitating any sounds she makes and she copies them right back at me, which is amazing. She now has this wee squealing noise and when I imitate it, she takes great delight in copying me.

She will also copy facial expressions now too. So if we poke our tongue out at her, she pokes hers back at us, and then laughs like it is a great game. It is so wonderful and rewarding to be getting this feedback from her now. The early weeks were amazing because she was just so small and perfect and dependent but I am really enjoying the recognition she now has.

She is also much more interested in her surroundings. Where two weeks ago, she could only last 5 mins in her rocking chair before getting tired and crotchety, now she can sit there happily for 20-30 mins taking in her surroundings. She can also see much further, and can recognise my face from a much greater distance.

She is still fascinated with black and white things, and strong contrasts. In our bedroom, we have quite dark curtains against a white wall and she never tires of just staring at them. I think she almost finds it comforting. We also have a steel bedstead with bars against a white wall, and she also likes staring at the bars for ages - its quite funny.

And her sense of smell is really strong too. It is one of the most well developed and in fact is already developed in the womb. So she has been able to smell me from the start, even before she could focus on me very well. But she can also smell other things too.

We have a couple of packets of baby wipes that have strong smells - one is like bubblegum and the other are posh ones that LH bought from L'Occitane. If we wave them under her nose, she stops what she is doing to sniff them and is really enthralled by their smell.

As for her motor skills, she's slowly making progress although a few weeks behind on these due to the prematurity. She can hold her head up and her neck muscles are getting stronger, but her head still lolls forward without control. I am trying to give her as much tummy time as I can to help with this. She can lift herself up briefly on her hands but she needs to be much stronger to get this one.

She is also now starting to reach out towards things she's interested in but with no effect. She should be able to have a voluntary grasp reflex soon so I will keep watching for it.

When she is lying in her rocking chair, she sometimes kicks the felt balls in front of her that have bells in them. I am sure it is involuntary because she shouldn't have any control over her legs yet, but it does seem at times as though she is doing it deliberately.

All of these developments are just amazing to watch and one of the best things about having her in our lives. Lately I have struggled to keep sight of these amazing things as the weight and breastfeeding issues threaten to overwhelm me and its nice to reflect on the best part of all this.

I've now made a decision about the breastfeeding after thinking a lot about it for the last couple of days. I will keep going until 3 months (now only a week away). This wasn't ever really in doubt but when we get to 3 months, I will decide how much longer to go on for.

I could keep combined breastfeeding and bottle feeding indefinitely but the stress of wondering if Zoe is getting enough food is doing my head in. I think it might be more viable to keep the breastfeeding going as a nice bonding and comforting thing, perhaps doing it once or twice a day in the morning and night time, rather than being a means of giving her lots of food. This could be a good compromise, which will be nice for both of us and much less stressful for me.

There is also the issue of trying for another baby. To do another frozen cycle successfully, I think I will need to get my cycles back on track and regular and that won't be possible with breastfeeding. I've got an appointment with the IVF specialist to talk about it on Jan 19.

If I can get to 4 months with the breastfeeding, I think I will have done well under the circumstances. I feel much more relaxed now I've made this decision and that I can get on and enjoy the next few weeks instead of stressing out about how much milk I've got.