Snakes and ladders

I started spotting yesterday so AF is not far away. I thought I might have ovulated last week but obviously not if AF is about to start. I think perhaps I didn't ovulate at all this cycle but hard to know.

Even though I've got one blocked tube and I'm 41, I still have hope each 'natural' cycle that we might get lucky and conceive and its still a blow each time we don't. I'm feeling quite down today that another cycle has been and gone with no positive pregnancy test.

I found out from a friend the other day that one of our other friends is pregnant. It made me sad, even though I am really happy for her. I guess it should give me hope when another 'oldie' (she's 41 as well) gets pregnant but my resilience is pretty low at the moment. Hearing that other people are pregnant is just painful these days. I feel that I am such an awful person for not feeling as happy for them as I should be, but its just torturous really.

My strategy at the moment is still to think a couple of cycles ahead of myself so that I don't get too hopefull. So at the moment, that is thinking about the embryos we will get from our next fresh cycle if the frozen one doesn't work.

At the moment, I'm in a supremely pessimistic mode. I am thinking that my body won't co-operate and ovulate and make a nice lining so we won't get transfer, or that none of our 5 frosties will survive the thaw. That's a measure of how low I am today. I know I will bounce back again but I'm just rolling with it today.

Other than the usual TTC issues, we've had a lovely January. We had a brilliant weekend on Fraser Island last weekend, just relaxing, exploring the beaches and lakes and sleeping. This weekend, we've been in the Hunter valley at the Leonard Cohen concert, which was just amazing. I've never seen him perform before, and even at the age of 75, he was just wonderful.

Maybe, just maybe, when we climb to the top of the ladder this time, we won't just slide down a snake back to the bottom again.