Angry

I've been trying to put my finger on what I'm feeling about IVF since Monday and I think its that I'm angry. I don't know with who or what I'm angry, but I think its how I feel.

I allowed my hopes to build up, despite my better judgement, when I had such a nice crop of follicles growing this cycle. Then we needed ICSI and only got four fertilised and that was a little disappointing. After having a great Day 3 result, I came crashing back down when it turned out we had no embryos to freeze and only one that was barely suitable for transfer.

I know I started this cycle saying I'd be happy with just one frostie, and in effect that's what we got with our fresh transfer (I'm ignoring the other one - it was just transferred because we could). But still I feel angry about how it turned out.

I guess while we were in limbo waiting to get started on IVF again, I could hold out hope that it might work for us. And in the back of my mind, if our two remaining frozen embryos didn't work, we could always try another stimulated cycle. But now its a big reality check - there's no fallback to making more embryos and the two remaining frosties aren't that likely to work either.

I suppose the day of reckoning was coming for a while, and it will get worse if and when it is finally really all over. But my overriding feeling is that I really, really don't want to put us through another stimulated cycle. LH thinks I might change my mind when we get to the end but I'm not so sure. The way I feel at the moment, wild horses couldn't drag me through another one.

It did occur to me that I'm starting the grieving process for the absence of child number two and this anger is just part of it. I can only hope we pass through without too much emotional damage.