To tell or not to tell?

One of the things that I think a lot of IVF-ers find difficult is telling their friends and family that they are doing IVF.

Actually, the decision to tell or not to tell starts well before that, when you first start trying to conceive.

We started TTC in Nov '07 and we didn't share the news with anyone at that stage. Although I had turned 40, because we weren't married, people didn't ask or assume. Even in this day and age, some people still expect to wait until they are married. That didn't worry us and it did take the pressure off in terms of unwanted questions.

It didn't stop one friend though. She has three kids and after only 6 months of my living with my now-husband, she asked if we were trying to get pregnant. I didn't deny it and so she 'knew'. Unfortunately, this means that every time she calls me, the first question she asks is 'Are you pregnant yet?' I've told her she'll be one of the first to know but it doesn't stop the question. It has unfortunately now got to the stage that I avoid calling her because it is really hard to have that 'Are you pregnant question yet' question after nearly a year of trying.

She is also of the learned opinion that I should now get pregnant instantly since I have given up my full time, very stressful, executive level job (Actually I gave it up because I hated it :-). I know lots of others encounter this opinion - that 'it will all happen once you relax' (more on that in another post) but we have (almost) avoided it because of the secrecy.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am discussing my personal life online for all the world to read, I am actually a very private person. I don't like share too many very personal things with many people. As a result, I have told very few of my friends, and none of my family, that we have been TTC for nearly a year. Now that we are legally hitched though, I am expecting I won't get away with this for much longer.

Lovely husband doesn't guard his private life as closely as me. He has told his parents and sisters, and a few friends. He has also told his boss and another person at work (more on that in the 'having a life' post).

So who did I tell and why? Well, I've actually told a couple of friends who are near my age but don't have any children, and one friend who has one child but with fertility difficulties. The childless ones just listen and ask questions because it is a whole new world to them and this suits me fine. And they don't give advice on how to get pregnant. Academic interest in the whole TTC process, including IVF, is fine and definitely better than pity. The friend with her own fertility problems of course doesn't have to say much at all - she's been there, done that, and knows the emotional stuff only too well.

As for family, I think I might need to broach the subject of IVF soon but there is one slight difficulty - the catholic parents. I am lapsed so don't have any issues with IVF but not sure how the folks would take it. Still, they didn't have any issues with my completely civil wedding (or if they did, they didn't say). If I am lucky enough to succeed in having a child, I don't suppose they need to know the details on how it was conceived.

The ones I haven't told are the big group of women friends of my age who have two or more children each. I can't cope with the idea of being a failure at this in their eyes and I don't want their pity. I am sure I am probably being too hard on both myself and them but its just how I feel. As long as I've got emotional support from some close friends, I don't think I need to tell them all. I recently had to sit through a well-meaning lecture from one of them about how my fertility will be waning, my eggs disappearing and how it can all be measured, and I really shouldn't wait too long to see a doctor. Little does she know just how much I know about all this already.

So there you have it. I'm sure each one of us has a different idea about who to tell and perhaps mine will change if this TTC thing goes on for a long time.

Today I'm finding it hard to think about much else other than my impending IVF cycle. Lovely husband comes home late tonight and he has his sperm wash appointment in the morning. Not sure why they do this, except to make sure there are no surprises when they collect to mix with the eggs I guess.