Day 23 frozen cycle - transfer day

I've been ensconced on the sofa for the last few hours, putting my feet up after the transfer.

It all went very well. No rushing about this time, just calmly went to my pre-transfer acupuncture then off to the clinic and arrived right on time. Unfortunately we had to wait about 30 mins in our cubicle because they were running late. I think we were the last for the day so not surprising.

I started out staying calm reading about celebrities and their botox in WHO magazine for the first 20 mins or so but then my mind started to wander and I started to get worried we were waiting because there was something wrong with our embryos. There is no limits to my paranoia at times!

By the time the embryologist came in to have a chat, my heart was thumping in my chest. She started out by explaining that when they thaw embryos, they measure how many of the cells are still alive and that there needs to be at least 75% still living.

'Here it comes,' I was thinking. Breathe in... 'So,' she says. 'We thawed two of your embryos and they have 95% of their cells alive so they are looking good and ready to transfer.' Long exhale.

As lovely husband said later, she should have started with the last news first. One blast was fully expanded and the other one was expanding but not looking as good. Dr D said the first one didn't even look like it had been frozen.

The transfer was remarkably smooth. Dr D initially couldn't see my endometrial stripe, which she said didn't matter but then she found it and we were away. She pointed out the 'bubble' with the two embryos transferred but I joked that she could tell me anything and I'd believe it. The ultrasound just looks like one big white screen of static to me.

The best thing was, no cramping. I really can't feel anything at all. I had a wee bit of bleeding but nothing to worry about.

So, how am I feeling this time around? Well, cautiously optimistic about how the embryos were looking and how to transfer went, but still with the 20% chance firmly entrenched in my brain. I am taking the advice of my councellor who said, 'You don't have a crystal ball and can't see into the future so don't think about what will happen because you just don't know.'

So every time I think about getting a positive or negative test, I remind myself of this.

I think I trully am getting better at handling the emotional stuff. Last night we went out with friends for dinner and they annouced they were pregnant. I was genuinely happy for them and wasn't expecting it (I hadn't realised they were planning to have children). He is much older than her and has adult children so I thought he might not want more. It is a honeymoon baby and I guess that's possible when you are 35, which she is. That's not our reality and that's ok.

We were planning to explain about the IVF if they asked why neither of us were drinking but once they announced their news, it definitely wasn't the thing to do. Its kind of like announcing you've just been sacked from your job to someone who is excited about their brilliant new job. The timing just wasn't right.

So, here we go again for another two week wait. My blood test is in 11 days, if the spotting doesn't start before then. I can't really hope for a stress free 11 days, so I'd be happy with moments of calm and lots to keep me busy.