Is this what motherhood is like?

For a while now, I've been trying to sort out how I am feeling now that I am a mother. For so long, we wanted our own child and we had to go through so much to achieve it. But now we have, its not so easy to analyse how it feels.

I have been feeling like I am not quite as happy as I should be. I don't think that I'm depressed or unhappy but it just feels like I'm a bit down a lot of the time. Perhaps that's the problem - I have this expectation that having a baby was what I wanted so much and now I expect to feel more overjoyed than I do.

I wonder if this is the aftermath of all that we have been through - the infertility, the stress of IVF, the pregnancy complications, and Zoe's worrying weight gain in the first couple of months. I am trying as hard as I can to go easy on myself.

Another thing that is just harder than I expected, is adjusting to being a 'housewife'. After working for the last 20 years and feeling like I was quite successful, being at home is just such a huge life change for me. Other mothers seem to take to it like a duck to water, but I have found it hard.

The loneliness is one of the problems but also I think not getting the validation from doing a good job at work is missing.

Of course I've now got one of the most important jobs in the world - bringing up the gorgeous Zoe but the feeling of a job well done is less tangible, and complicated by always wondering if I am doing the right thing. Lovely husband has been wonderful - he tells me constantly that I am a great mother, and that's nice. He's a more cautious and particular person than me, so his praise means a lot.

Its impossible not to compare my mothering with what other mothers are doing and any comment on my decisions regarding Zoe I take so personally. Its crazy really because I wouldn't take comments about other aspects of my life to heart in the same way I do when it comes to Zoe's care.

I think I am inherently reasonably confident in my skills as a mother but I watch all these other mothers who are super-cautious about every little thing and I wonder if I am not too relaxed.

For instance, I don't keep my eyes on Zoe every second she is awake. I leave her to play on her mat while I work on the computer at the other end of the room. I also go upstairs to the bathroom while she's playing. It feels fine to do this, since she can't go anywhere yet, and I'm no more than a few seconds away if she gets upset.

But I get the feeling that other mothers never let their baby out of their sight. Is this what I should be doing? I don't know.

I am also feeling guilty about finding a babysitter for Zoe when she's only 5 months old. Should I be waiting until she's older before we leave her with someone else? Are parents and family the only safe people to care for her? I guess this mother guilt is something I just need to get used to.

As for my mental state, I just keep trying not to put too much pressure on myself to feel 'happy'. I've read experts talking about how our society is obsessed with happiness and that its not a normal expectation for everyone to feel happy all of the time.

It is truly wonderful when I go into Zoe's room to get her up and she gives me this amazing smile that lights up her whole face. She's just so gorgeous and lovely, and as far as she's concerned, I'm the most wonderful person in the world.

Hopefully with time I'll become more confident in my abilities as a mother and enjoy this time more.