The last breastfeed

Today Zoe is 5 months old and this morning I gave her what I think was the last breastfeed. I say I think, because I seem to have a blocked milk duct that I just can't seem to clear. Its a hard lump on the underside of the left breast. It isn't getting any bigger and it doesn't hurt but it just won't go away.

I don't want it to turn into mastitis so if I notice things getting more lumpy and sore, I'll get Zoe to have a few more feeds to see if we can clear it. That would just be the limit - getting mastitis at this stage of the game.

I've been reflecting back on the whole experience and what a bittersweet time its been. Starting off in the first few hours with what looked like a really successful start. Colostrum was there, Zoe seemed to know how to suck, and then it all went down hill from there.

The poor sleepy little thing didn't have another drink that day and her weight plummeted dramatically. Then into the special care nursery to get the tube down her nose and me traipsing down there from my room every 4 hours to coax her into sucking.

Then came the constant pumping to try and bring my milk in. And the endless queries from the nurses. Them: 'Has your milk come in yet?' Me: 'I don't think so. What does it feel like?' Them: 'You will know. It feels like beach balls.'

Then the weigh-ins every second day to track Zoe's tiny weight gains. Next we went it alone at home, with the help of a lactation consultant. So began 7 feeds a day and 6 expressing sessions, trying so hard to coax Zoe to wake up and feed. She would fall asleep after 5 minutes at the breast in the early days.

I tried everything anyone suggested - Motilium, herbal preparations, skin-to-skin contact, constant feeds, breastfeeding holidays in bed (3 times) and constant expressing. I even went to a breastfeeding class and learned how to change the position to help things along.

We hit rock bottom at 4 weeks when a visiting child health nurse asked me what had happened to my breasts at puberty, as if there was something wrong with me. I've never felt like such a freak in my life and this chat left me devastated. In hindsight I really want to go back to her and say, 'It wasn't my fault' once I learned the real reason for my problems (see below) but what would that achieve?

And Zoe's weight kept creeping up slowly but not fast enough to satisfy the professionals. So the volume of formula in the bottles kept creeping up too - first 20 mls, then 30, then 40, then 50, then 60.

Finally at 3 months, I gave in and increased the amount of formula up to the full quota for Zoe's weight and age and accepted that she would not be getting her main calories from me but she would still have the benefits of my immune system from breastfeeding.

And then things started to get better. A 3 week long period that ended at 10 weeks must have released some of the leftover placenta lurking in my uterus and suddenly the long hoped for 'beachball' feeling was there! Who ever heard of milk coming in at 10 weeks? But attempts to cut back the formula caused Zoe's weight gains to drop off again and I knew we would never achieve 'exclusive' breastfeeding.

And finally at 14 weeks, the discovery that some placenta had been left behind after the caesarian. This goes some way to explaining why I had such supply problems. The leftover hormones must have been fighting with the milk-producing ones. Once it was taken out with a D&C, the milk supply increased again.

But it was too little, too late. By mid-February, I was keen to stop breastfeeding since my periods had not returned and we wanted to move onto our next frozen IVF cycles. So I decided 5 months would be the end and here we are today.

But its not been all bad. I never had problems with sore nipples, mastitis or pain. The last 6 weeks of breastfeeding have been a real pleasure, especially the few weeks where we were feeding at the start and end of the day. Zoe was very contented to suck away before her bottle and I really enjoyed spending this time with her. Its so lovely to just sit in a dark room, just me and her, with her drinking away contentedly.

I tell myself that we achieved 5 months of breastfeeding, even though it was never exclusive. If I someone had told me we would achieve that at 6 weeks, I never would have believed it. And my original goal was 6 months so we weren't far short of that. And now its time to see if we can have another baby. That's exciting too and I feel like its another stage of our lives that we are about to launch into before we close the door and say enough is enough.